IRVIN  S.COBB 


I  see  my. 


LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

DAVIS 


urr 


V. 


Fibble,  D.D. 


Being  Divers  Episodes  in 
the  Life  of  a  Certain  Young 
Curate.  Subdivided,  /or, 
Convenience  yinto  Three  Parts 


BY   IRVIN   S.  COBB 


FICTION 

FlBBLE,    D.D. 

LOCAL  COLOR 

OLD  JUDGE  PRIEST 

BACK  HOME 

THE  ESCAPE  OF  MR.  TRIMM 

WIT  AND  HUMOR 

"SPEAKING  OF  OPERATIONS — 
EUROPE  REVISED 
ROUGHING  IT  DE  LUXE 
COBB'S  BILL  OF  FARE 
COBB'S  ANATOMY 

MISCELLANY 

PATHS  OF  GLORY 


GEORGE  H.  DORAN  COMPANY 
NEW  YORK 


MOMENTARILY  THE  ARTICLES  THAT  FILLED  MY  ARMS  AND 
HUNG  ON  MY  SHOULDERS  AND  BACK  GREW  MORE 
CUMBERSOME  AND  BURDENSOME 


Fibble,  D.D. 


By 

Irvin  S.  Cobb 

Author  of  ''Back  Home,' '  '"Paths  of  Glory, " 
etc. 

Illustrated  by  Tony  Sarg 


New  York 
George  H.  Dor  an  Company 


LIBRARY 


COPYRIGHT,  IQl6, 
BY  GEORGE   H.  DORAN  COMPANY 


PRINTED  IN   THE   UNITED   STATES   OF   AMERICA 

COPYRIGHT,  IQIS    AND    1916, 
BY  THE   CURTIS   PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


Fibble,  D.D. 


TO   BOZEMAN    BULGER,    ESQ. 


Fibble,  D.D. 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

PART  ONE  :  THE  YOUNG  NUTS  OF  AMERICA 

Being  a  Card  to  the  Public  from  the  Pen 

of  the  Rev.  Roscoe  Titmarsh  Fibble,  D  D.     13 

PART  Two:   ELSEWHERE  IN  FRANCE 

Being   an   Open   Letter   Addressed    by 
Dr.  Fibble  to  One  Sitting  in  a  High  Place  109 

PART  THREE:   LOVER'S  LEAP 

Being  a  Series  of  Extracts  Culled  from 
the  Diary  of  Dr.  Fibble 203 


Fibble,  D.D. 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


Momentarily  the  articles  that  filled  my  arms  and 
hung  on  my  shoulders  and  back  grew  more  cum 
bersome  and  burdensome Frontispiece 

PAGE 

May  I  ask  whether  you  are  going  to  a  fancy 
dress  party  somewhere  ? 42 

Until  he  loomed  almost  above  my  kneeling  form       94 
"I,"  she  said,  "am  Major  Jones" 132 

From  its  depths  I  extracted  the  parting  gifts  be 
stowed  upon  me  by  my  Great-Aunt  Paulina 176 

"Say  coo-coo  clearly  and  distinctly  and  keep  on 
saying  it  until  I  call  out  'Enough'  " 234 

To  be  exact,  I  kissed  at  her 268 


Fibble,  D.D. 


PART  ONE 


Being  a  Card  to  the  Public  from  the  Pen 
of  the  Rev.  Roscoe  Titmarsh  Fibble,  D.D. 


Fibble,  D.  D. 


The  Young  Nuts  of  America 

IT  is  with  a  feeling  of  the  utmost  reluc 
tance,  amounting — if  I  may  use  so  strong 
a  word — to  distress,  that  I  take  my  pen 
in  hand  to  indite  the  exceedingly  painful 
account  which  follows ;  yet  I  feel  I  owe  it 
not  only  to  myself  and  the  parishioners  of  St. 
Barnabas',  but  to  the  community  at  large, 
to  explain  in  amplified  detail  why  I  have 
withdrawn  suddenly,  automatically  as  it 
were,  from  the  organisation  of  youthful  for 
est  rangers  of  which  I  was,  during  its  brief 
existence,  the  actuating  spirit,  and  simul 
taneously  have  resigned  my  charge  to  seek 
a  field  of  congenial  endeavour  elsewhere. 

My  first  inclination  was  to  remain  silent; 
to  treat  with  dignified  silence  the  grossly 
exaggerated  statements  that  lately  obtained 
circulation,  and,  I  fear  me,  credence,  in 


14          Fibble,  D.  D. 

some  quarters,  regarding  the  circumstances 
which  have  inspired  me  in  taking  the  above 
steps.  Inasmuch,  however,  as  there  has 
crept  into  the  public  prints  hereabout  a  so- 
called  item  or  article  purporting  to  describe 
divers  of  my  recent  lamentable  experiences 
— an  item  which  I  am  constrained  to  be 
lieve  the  author  thereof  regarded  as  being 
of  a  humorous  character,  but  in  which  no 
right-minded  person  could  possibly  see 
aught  to  provoke  mirth — I  have  abandoned 
my  original  resolution  and  shall  now  lay 
bare  the  true  facts. 

In  part  my  motive  for  so  doing  is  based 
on  personal  grounds,  for  I  have  indeed  en 
dured  grievously  both  laceration  of  the 
tenderest  sensibilities  andanguish  of  the  cor 
poreal  body;  but  I  feel  also  that  I  have  a 
public  duty  to  perform.  If  this  unhappy 
recital  but  serves  to  put  others  on  their 
guard  against  a  too-ready  acceptance  of 
certain  specious  literature  dealing  with  the 
fancied  delights — I  say  fancied  advisedly 
and  for  greater  emphasis  repeat  the  whole 
phrase — against  the  fancied  delights  of  life 
in  the  greenwood,  then  in  such  case  my  own 


Young  Nuts  of  America  15 

poignant  pangs  shall  not  have  entirely  been 
in  vain. 

With  these  introductory  remarks,  I  shall 
now  proceed  to  a  calm,  temperate  and  dis 
passionate  narration  of  the  various  occur 
rences  leading  up  to  a  climax  that  left  me 
for  a  measurable  space  prone  on  the  bed  of 
affliction,  and  from  which  I  have  but  newly 
risen,  though  still  much  shaken. 

When  I  came  to  St.  Barnabas'  as  assist 
ant  to  the  Reverend  Doctor  Tubley  my  per 
sonal  inclination,  I  own,  was  for  parish 
work  among  our  female  members.  I  felt 
that,  both  by  natural  leanings  and  by  train 
ing,  I  was  especially  equipped  to  be  of  aid 
and  comfort  here.  Instinctively,  as  it  were, 
I  have  ever  been  drawn  toward  the  other 
and  gentler  sex;  but  my  superior  felt  that 
my  best  opportunities  for  service  lay  with 
the  males  of  a  tender  and  susceptible  age. 

He  recommended  that,  for  the  time  being 
at  least,  I  devote  my  energies  to  the  youth 
ful  masculine  individuals  within  the  parish 
fold;  that  I  make  myself  as  one  with  them 
if  not  one  of  them ;  that  I  take  the  lead  in 
uniting  them  into  helpful  bands  and  asso- 


16          Fibble,  D.  D. 

ciations.  He  felt  that  the  youth  of  St.  Bar 
nabas'  had  been  left  rather  too  much  to  their 
own  devices — which  devices,  though  doubt 
lessly  innocent  enough  in  character,  were 
hardly  calculated  to  guide  them  into  the 
higher  pathways.  I  am  endeavouring  to 
repeat  here  the  Reverend  Doctor  Tubley's 
words  as  exactly  as  may  be. 

Continuing,  he  said  he  felt  that  our  boys 
had  been  in  a  measure  neglected  by  him. 
He  had  heard  no  complaint  on  this  score 
from  the  lads  themselves.  Indeed,  I  gath 
ered  from  the  tenor  of  his  remarks  they  had 
rather  resented  his  efforts  to  get  on  a  foot 
ing  of  comradeship  with  them.  This,  he 
thought,  might  be  due  to  the  natural  diffi 
dence  of  the  adolescent  youth,  or  perhaps 
to  the  disparity  in  age,  he  being  then  in  his 
seventy-third  year  and  they  ranging  in  ages 
from  nine  to  fifteen. 

Nevertheless,  his  conscience  had  at  times 
reproached  him.  With  these  words,  or 
words  to  this  effect,  he  committed  the  boys 
to  my  especial  care,  adding  the  suggestion 
that  I  begin  my  services  by  putting  myself 


Young  Nuts  of  America  17 

actively  in  touch  with  them  in  their  various 
sports,  pursuits  and  pastimes. 

In  this  connection  the  Boy  Scout  move 
ment  at  once  occurred  to  me,  but  promptly 
I  put  it  from  me.  From  a  cursory  investi 
gation  I  gleaned  that  ;no  distinctions  of 
social  caste  were  drawn  among  the  Boy 
Scouts ;  that  almost  any  boy  of  a  given  age, 
regardless  of  the  social  status  of  his  parents, 
might  aspire  to  membership,  or  even  to 
office,  providing  he  but  complied  with  cer 
tain  tests — in  short,  that  the  Boy  Scouts  as 
at  present  constituted  were,  as  the  saying 
goes,  mixed. 

Very  naturally  I  desired  to  restrict  my 
activities  to  boys  coming  from  homes  of  the 
utmost  culture  and  refinement,  where  prin 
ciples  of  undoubted  gentility  were  im 
planted  from  the  cradle  up.  Yet  it  would 
seem  that  the  germ  of  the  thought  touching 
on  the  Boy  Scouts  lingered  within  that  mar 
vellous  human  organism,  the  brain,  result 
ing  finally  in  consequences  of  an  actually 
direful  character.  Of  that,  however,  more 
anon  in  its  proper  place. 

Pondering  over  the  problem  after  even- 


18          Fibble,  D.  D. 

song  in  the  privacy  of  my  study,  I  repaired 
on  the  day  following  to  Doctor  Tubley  with 
a  plan  for  a  course  of  Nature  Study  for 
boys,  to  be  prosecuted  indoors.  I  made  a 
point  of  the  advantages  to  be  derived  by 
carrying  on  our  investigations  beside  the 
student  lamp  during  the  long  evenings  of 
early  spring,  which  were  then  on  us.  What, 
I  said,  could  be  more  inspiring,  more  up 
lifting,  more  stimulating  in  its  effects  on  the 
impressionable  mind  of  a  boy  than  at  the 
knee  of  some  older  person  to  wile  away 
the  happy  hours  learning  of  the  budding  of 
the  leaflet,  the  blossoming  of  the  flowerlet, 
the  upspringing  of  the  shootlet,  and, 
through  the  medium  of  informative  volumes 
on  the  subject  by  qualified  authorities,  to 
make  friends  at  first  hand,  so  to  speak,  with 
the  wild  things — notably  the  birdling,  the 
rabbit,  the  squirrel?  Yes,  even  to  make 
friends  with  the  insects,  particularly  such 
insects  as  the  bee  and  the  ant — creatures  the 
habits  of  industry  of  which  have  been  fre 
quently  remarked — besides  other  insects  too 
numerous  to  mention. 

And,  finally,  what  could  better  serve  to 


Young  Nuts  of  America  19 

round  out  an  evening  so  replete  with  fruit 
ful  thought  and  gentle  mental  excitement 
than  a  reading  by  some  member  of  the 
happy  group  of  an  appropriate  selection 
culled  from  the  works  of  one  of  our  stand 
ard  authors — Wordsworth,  Longfellow  or 
Tennyson,  for  example?  What,  indeed? 

To  my  surprise  this  plan,  even  though 
set  forth  with  all  the  unstudied  eloquence  at 
my  command,  did  not  appear  deeply  to 
appeal  to  Doctor  Tubley.  I  surmised  that 
he  had  attempted  some  such  undertaking 
at  a  previous  period  and  had  met  with  but 
indifferent  success.  He  said  that  for  some 
mysterious  reason  the  nature  of  the  growing 
boy  seemed  to  demand  action.  My  own  ob 
servation  subsequently  was  such  as  to  con 
firm  this  judgment. 

In  passing  I  may  say  that  this  attribute 
remains  to  me  one  of  the  most  unfathomable 
aspects  of  the  complex  juvenile  mentality 
as  commonly  encountered  at  present. 
Though  still  a  comparatively  young  man — 
thirty-eight  on  Michaelmas  Day  last  past 
— I  cannot  conceive  that  as  a  lad  I  was  ever 
animated  with  the  restless,  and  I  may  even 


20          Fibble,  D.  D. 

say  mischievous,  spirit  that  appears  to  dom 
inate  the  waking  hours  of  the  youth  of  an 
oncoming  generation. 

For  proof  of  this  assertion  I  would  point 
to  the  fact  that  a  great-aunt  of  mine,  living 
at  an  advanced  age  in  the  city  of  Hartford, 
Connecticut,  continues  even  now  to  treasure 
a  handsomely  illustrated  and  fitly  inscribed 
copy  of  Bunyan's  "Pilgrim's  Progress," 
complete  in  one  volume,  which  was  publicly 
bestowed  on  me  in  my  twelfth  year  for  hav 
ing  committed  to  memory  and  correctly  re 
peated  two  thousand  separate  quotations 
from  the  Old  Testament — an  achievement 
that  brought  on  an  attack  resembling  brain 
fever.  I  do  not  record  this  achievement  in 
a  spirit  of  boastfulness  or  vanity  of  the  flesh, 
but  merely  to  show  that  from  a  very  early 
stage  of  my  mundane  existence  I  was  by  na 
ture  studious  and  ever  mindful  of  the  ad 
monitions  of  my  elders.  Indeed,  I  do  not 
recall  a  time  when  I  did  not  prefer  the  com 
panionship  of  cherished  and  helpful  gift 
books  to  the  boisterous  and  ofttimes  rough 
sports  of  my  youthful  acquaintances. 

But  I  digress;  let  us  revert:    Abandoning 


Young  Nuts  of  America  21 

my  scheme  for  a  series  of  indoor  Nature 
studies,  since  it  did  not  meet  with  the  ap 
proval  of  my  superior,  I  set  myself  reso 
lutely  to  the  task  of  winning  the  undivided 
affection  and  admiration  of  the  lads  about 
me.  On  meeting  one  in  the  public  highway 
or  elsewhere  I  made  a  point  of  addressing 
him  as  "My  fine  fellow!"  or  "My  bright 
lad!"  of  patting  him  on  the  head  and  gently 
ruffling  his  hair  or  twitching  the  lobe  of  his 
ear  in  a  friendly  way,  and  asking  him,  first, 
what  his  age  might  be,  and,  second,  how 
he  was  doing  at  his  books. 

These  questions  being  satisfactorily  an 
swered  in  the  order  named,  I  would  then 
say  to  him:  "Ah,  what  a  large  sturdy  lad 
we  are  becoming,  to  be  sure!"  or  "Heigho, 
then,  soon  we  shall  be  ready  to  don  long 
trousers,  shall  we  not?"  And  I  would  also 
be  particular  to  enquire  regarding  the 
health  and  well-being  of  his  parents,  and 
so  on,  and  to  ascertain  how  many  little 
brothers  and  little  sisters  he  had,  if  any; 
usually  coupling  these  passing  pleasantries 
with  some  quotation  aimed  to  inspire  him 
to  thoughtful  reflections  and  worthy  deeds. 


22          Fibble,  D.  D. 

Yet  to  me  it  seemed  that  the  lads  actually 
sought  to  avoid  these  casual  intercourses. 

Attributing  this  to  the  excusable  timidity 
of  the  young,  I  persisted,  being  determined 
to  put  myself  on  a  footing  of  complete  un 
derstanding  with  them.  I  sought  them  out 
in  their  hours  of  relaxation,  there  being  a 
large  vacant  lot  or  enclosure  adjacent  to  the 
parish  house  where  they  were  wont  to  meet 
and  mingle  freely  in  their  customary  physi 
cal  exercises  and  recreations.  Here  again, 
from  time  to  time,  I  proffered  certain  timely 
hints  and  admonitions  for  their  better  guid 
ance. 

For  example,  I  sought  to  discourage  the 
habit  so  prevalent  among  them  of  indulg 
ing  in  shrill,  indiscriminate  outcry  when 
moved  by  the  excitement  of  the  moment. 
Repeatedly  I  advised  them  to  practise  in 
concert  three  hearty  cheers,  these  to  be  im 
mediately  followed,  should  the  exuberance 
of  the  occasion  warrant,  by  a  ringing  tiger. 
This  I  recall  was  the  invariable  habit  of  the 
playfellows  described  in  such  works  as  "San- 
ford  and  Merton"  and  "Thomas  Brown's 
Schooldays."  I  also  urged  on  them  the 


Young  Nuts  of  America  23 

substitution  of  the  fine  old  English  game  of 
cricket  for  baseball,  to  which  I  found  them 
generally  addicted.  It  is  true  I  had  never 
found  either  opportunity  or  inclination  for 
perfecting  myself  in  one  or  both  of  these 
games;  but  the  pictured  representations  of 
cricket  games,  as  depicted  in  books  or 
prints,  showing  the  participants  dotted 
about  over  a  smooth  greensward,  all  attired 
in  neat  white  flannels  and  all  in  graceful 
attitudes,  convinced  me  it  must  be  a  much 
more  orderly  and  consequently  a  more  allur 
ing  pastime  than  the  other. 

To  me,  if  I  may  venture  to  say  so,  base 
ball  has  ever  seemed  most  untidy.  Per 
sonally  I  can  imagine  few  things  more  un 
seemly  than  the  act  of  sliding  through  the 
dust  in  order  the  more  expeditiously  to  at 
tain  a  given  base  or  station;  and  even  more 
objectionable,  because  so  exceedingly  un 
hygienic,  is  the  custom,  common  among 
these  youthful  devotees,  of  expectorating 
on  the  outer  surface  of  the  ball  before  de 
livering  the  same  in  the  direction  of  the  bats 
man. 

I  succeeded  in  inducing  my  young  friends 


24-          Fibble,  D.  D. 

to  allow  me  to  drill  them  in  the  choraled 
cheer.  As  I  remarked  repeatedly  to  them : 
"Why  noise  at  all,  young  gentlemen?  But 
if  we  must  have  noise  let  us  have  it  in  an 
orderly  fashion  and  in  accordance  with  the 
best  traditions  of  the  Anglo-Saxon  race, 
from  which  all  of  us  have  or  have  not 
sprung  as  the  case  may  be — to  wit,  as  fol 
lows:  Huzza!  Huzza!  Huzza!  Tiger!" 
But,  with  the  exception  of  one  or  two  lads 
of  a  docile  demeanour,  I  made  no  noticeable 
headway  in  my  project  for  substituting 
cricket  for  baseball. 

Nor  did  my  recommendation  of  the  adop 
tion  of  a  uniform  attire  for  all  the  lads  at 
tending  the  private  school  maintained  by 
St.  Barnabas'  meet  with  any  more  favour 
able  reception.  Personally  I  was  greatly 
attracted  to  the  costume  provided  at  Eton. 
It  impressed  me  that  the  short,  close-but 
toned  jacket,  exposing  the  sturdy  legs,  and 
so  forth,  the  neat  linen  collar  and  cuffs,  and 
the  becoming  black  tie,  the  whole  being  sur 
mounted  by  the  high  hat,  with  its  air  of 
dignity,  all  combined  to  form  ideal  apparel 
for  the  growing  lad.  Some  of  the  mothers 


Young  Nuts  of  America  25 

to  whom  I  broached  the  thought  viewed  it 
with  considerable  enthusiasm,  but  among 
the  boys  themselves  an  unaccountable  oppo 
sition  immediately  developed. 

The  male  parents  likewise  were  prac 
tically  united  in  their  objections.  One 
husband  and  father,  whose  name  I  shall 
purposely  withhold,  actually  sent  me  word 
he  would  swear  out  an  injunction  against 
me  should  I  undertake  to  dress  his  inno 
cent  offspring  up  as  a  monkey-on-a-stick — 
the  objectionable  phraseology  being  his,  not 
mine.  In  all  charity  I  was  constrained  to 
believe  that  this  gentleman's  nature  was  of 
a  coarse  fibre.  Had  he,  I  asked  myself  dis 
passionately,  had  he  no  veneration  for  the 
hallowed  memories  and  customs  of  a  great 
English  institution  of  learning?  I  was  im 
pelled  to  answer  in  the  negative. 

Thus  time  wore  on  until  the  beginning  of 
the  mid-year  vacation  drew  near  apace.  It 
was  at  this  juncture  that  the  idea  of  an 
organisation  similar  in  character  to  the  Boy 
Scouts  occurred  to  me.  I  decided  to  bor 
row  the  plan,  with  certain  modifications, 


26          Fibble,  D.  D. 

confining  the  membership  exclusively  -to 
our  best  families. 

Accordingly,  on  the  first  Saturday  after 
noon  in  the  month  of  May  I  called  a  chosen 
group  of  lads  together  and  explained  to 
them  my  purpose,  finding  to  my  gratifica 
tion  that  they  welcomed  it  with  the  utmost 
enthusiasm.  Possibly  my  manner  of  setting 
forth  the  project  of  an  outing  appealed  to 
them  even  more  than  the  project  itself.  I1 
recall  that,  in  part,  I  spoke  as  follows: 

"With  me  as  your  leader,  your  guide, 
your  mentor,  we  shall  go  forth  into  the 
open,  to  seek  out  the  bosky  dell ;  to  pierce 
the  wildwood  tangle ;  to  penetrate  the  track 
less  wilderness.  Our  tents  shall  be  spread 
alongside  the  purling  brook,  hard  by  some 
larger  body  of  water.  There,  in  my  mind's 
eye,  I  see  us  as  we  practise  archery  and  the 
use  of  the  singlestick,  both  noble  sports  and 
much  favoured  by  the  early  Britons.  There 
we  cull  the  flowers  of  the  field  and  the  for 
est  glade,  weaving  them  into  garlands, 
building  them  into  nosegays.  By  kindness 
and  patience  we  tame  the  wild  creatures. 
We  learn  to  know  the  calls  of  the  wildwood 


Young  Nuts  of  America  21 

warblers,  which  I  am  credibly  informed 
are  many  and  varied  in  character;  and  by 
imitating  those  calls  we  charm  the  feath 
ered  minstrels  to  leave  their  accustomed 
haunts  on  the  sheltering  bough  and  to  come 
and  perch  on  our  outstretched  hands. 

"We  lave  our  limbs  in  the  pellucid  waters 
of  the  lake  or  large  body  of  water  just  re 
ferred  to.  We  briskly  project  ourselves  to 
and  fro  in  a  swing  of  Nature's  own  contriv 
ing,  namely,  the  tendrils  of  the  wild  grape 
vine.  We  glean  the  coy  berry  from  its  hid 
ing  place  beneath  the  sheltering  leafage. 
We  entice  from  their  native  element  the 
finny  denizens  of  the  brawling  stream  and 
the  murmuring  brook.  We  go  quickly 
hither  and  yon.  We  throb  with  health  and 
energy.  We  become  bronzed  and  hardy; 
our  muscles  harden  to  iron;  our  lungs  ex 
pand  freely  and  also  contract  with  the  same 
freedom,  thus  fulfilling  their  natural  func 
tion. 

"We  find  the  day  all  too  short,  too  fleet 
ing.  And  by  night  about  the  crackling 
camp  fire  our  happy  voices,  all  united,  are 
uplifted  in  song  and  roundelay.  So,  at 


28          Ftbble,  D.  D. 

length,  wearied  but  happy,  we  seek  repose 
in  refreshing  slumber  until  the  rising  sun 
or  orb  of  day  summons  us  to  fresh  delights, 
new  discoveries,  added  experiences!" 

My  imaginative  picturing  of  the  prospect 
had  its  desired  results.  Without  loss  of 
time  all  present,  they  being  twelve  in  num 
ber,  enrolled  as  members.  From  the  min 
utes  of  this,  our  first  meeting,  as  kept  by  me 
in  a  neatly  lined  book,  which  I  had  be 
thought  me  to  provide  for  that  purpose,  I 
herewith  enumerate  the  roster:  Master 
Pope,  Master  Stickney,  Master  Worthing- 
ton,  Master  MacMonnies,  Master  E.  Smith 
and  Master  H.  Smith — brothers,  Master 
Odell,  Master  French,  Master  Horrigan, 
Master  Ferguson,  Master  Dunworthy,  and 
Master  W.  Smyth — nowise  related  to  the 
foregoing  Masters  Smith,  the  name  being 
spelled,  as  will  be  noted,  with  a  y. 

I  was  particularly  pleased  that  Master 
Percival  Pope  should  be  included  in  our 
little  band,  for  he  was  one  to  whom  instinc 
tively  I  had  been  attracted  by  reason  of  the 
gentle  and  almost  seraphic  expression  of  his 


Young  Nuts  of  America  29 

mild  blue  eyes,  his  soft  voice  and  his  great 
politeness  of  manner. 

Next  in  order  there  arose  for  considera 
tion  two  very  important  matters — the  selec 
tion  of  a  title  or  cognomen  and  the  choice 
of  a  suitable  costume.  Charging  myself 
with  the  working  out  of  an  appropriate  cos 
tume  design,  I  invited  suggestions  for  a  club 
name,  at  the  same  time  proffering  several 
ideas  of  my  own.  Among  those  that  were 
tendered  I  recall  the  following:  the 
Young  Gentlemen  Forest  Rangers,  the 
Chevalier  Bayard  Wildwood  League,  the 
Rollo  Boys,  the  Juvenile  Ivanhoes,  the 
Buffalo  Bill  Kiddos,  the  Young  Buffaloes 
of  the  Wild  West,  the  Junior  Scalp  Hunt 
ers,  the  Desperate  Dozen,  and  the  John- 
nies-on-the-Spot. 

I  deem  it  well-nigh  unnecessary  to  state 
that  the  first  four  suggestions  emanated  from 
my  pen:  the  remaining  five  being  fruitage 
of  the  inventive  fancies  of  my  young  friends. 

We  spent  some  time  canvassing  over  the 
proposed  cognomens,  rejecting  this  one  for 
one  reason,  that  one  for  another  reason. 
None  seemed  to  give  general  satisfaction. 


30          Fibble,  D.  D. 

Those  which  especially  pleased  me — such, 
for  instance,  as  the  Rollo  Boys — met  with 
small  approbation  from  my  young  com 
patriots,  and  vice  versa. 

At  length,  in  the  interests  of  harmony,  I 
proposed  that  each  member  should  confer 
with  his  parents,  his  guardian  or  his  kind 
teacher,  with  a  view  to  striking  on  a  suit 
able  choice,  always  bearing  in  mind  that 
the  proposed  name  should  carry  with  it  a 
thought  of  the  woody  glade,  the  craggy 
slope,  the  pebbly  beach — in  short,  should 
remind  one  of  Nature's  choicest  offerings. 
As  I  said:  "Not  infrequently  two  heads 
are  better  than  one;  how  much  more  de 
sirable  then  to  enlist  the  aid  of  a  large 
number  of  heads?"  So  saying,  I  gave  the 
signal  for  adjournment  until  the  following 
Monday  evening  at  the  hour  of  eight-thirty 
of  the  clock. 

Pursuant  to  adjournment  we  met  at  the 
appointed  hour  and  speedily  arrived  at  a 
solution  of  our  problem.  One  of  our  group 
— which  one  I  shall  not  state,  since  he  was 
the  son  of  that  same  gentleman  who  had 
used  such  unwarranted  and  inconsiderate 


Young  Nuts  of  America  31 

language  regarding  my  Eton  suit  plan — pre 
sented  a  slip  of  paper  bearing  a  line  in  the 
handwriting  of  his  father.  I  opened  and 
read  it. 

In  brief  the  writer's  idea  was  that  we 
should  call  our  organisation  the  Young 
Nuts  of  America,  and  that  the  leader,  mas 
ter  or  commander  should  be  known  as  Chief 
Nut  or  Principal  Nut.  Coming  from  a 
gentleman  who  had  expressed  himself  so 
adversely  regarding  a  former  project  that 
had  been  close  to  my  heart  this  manifesta 
tion  of  interest  on  his  part  touched  me  pro 
foundly.  Moreover,  his  suggestion  ap 
peared  to  my  conceptions  to  be  both  timely 
and  effective,  carrying  with  it,  as  it  did,  a 
thought  of  the  opening  of  the  burs,  of  the 
descent  of  autumn  on  the  vernal  forest,  of 
the  rich  meatiness  of  the  kernel ;  a  thought 
of  the  delectable  filbert,  the  luscious  pecan 
and  the  succulent  walnut — the  latter,  how 
ever,  having  a  tendency  to  produce  cramp 
ing  sensations  when  partaken  of  to  excess. 

These  sentiments  my  youthful  adherents 
appeared  to  share  with  me,  for  on  my  read 
ing  the  paper  aloud  there  followed  an  out- 


32          Ftbble,  D.  D. 

burst  of  cheering,  not  unmixed  with  happy 
laughter.  Checking  them  with  a  mild  re 
minder  that  this  was  not  a  laughing  matter, 
I  put  the  proposition  to  a  vote,  and  it  was 
decided  unanimously  that  we  should  be 
known  as  the  Young  Nuts  of  America  and 
that  my  official  title  should  be  Chief  Nut. 

Master  Pope  then  moved,  seconded  by 
Master  Horrigan,  that  for  the  time  being 
we  should  keep  the  name  of  our  club  a 
secret  among  ourselves.  To  me  there  seemed 
no  valid  reason  for  this  and  I  so  stated ;  but 
appreciating  their  boyish  fancy  for  creating 
an  air  of  pleasant  and  innocent  mystery 
about  whatever  undertaking  in  which  they 
might  be  engaged,  I  soon  waived  my  objec 
tion  and  it  was  so  ordered  by  acclamation. 

In  this  connection  I  desire  to  make  a 
statement  which  may  come  as  a  surprise  to 
many,  and  that  is  this:  I  have  but  lately 
— within  the  past  few  days,  in  fact — been 
informed  that  among  persons  addicted  to 
the  vice  of  slang  the  term  nut  is  occasionally 
applied  to  other  persons  whom  they  suspect 
of  being  mentally  incapable  or,  in  short,  de 
ranged. 


Young  Nuts  of  America  33 

Personally  I  see  no  possible  connection 
between  a  nut,  either  of  some  wild  species 
or  of  a  domesticated  variety,  and  one  who, 
alas,  is  bereft  of  reason.  I  trust,  further 
more,  that  I  am  not  of  a  suspicious  nature, 
and  assuredly  I  am  loath  to  impugn  sin 
ister  motives  to  any  fellow  creature;  but, 
in  view  of  this,  to  me,  astonishing  disclosure, 
I  am  impelled  to  believe  either  that  the 
gentleman  in  question  was  himself  ig 
norant  of  the  double  meaning  of  the  word 
or  that  he  deliberately  conspired  within 
himself  to  cast  ridicule  not  only  on  me  but 
on  the  band  of  which  his  own  son  was  a 
devoted  adherent. 

Be  that  as  it  may,  our  next  meeting  was 
set  for  that  evening  one  week  thence,  at 
which  time  I  promised  my  youthful  follow 
ers  I  would  appear  before  them  with  colour 
plates  of  the  costume  selected  by  me  for 
wear  on  our  outings;  and  also  that  I  would 
bring  all  requisite  information  regarding 
the  proper  methods  of  marching,  camping, 
and  so  on. 

Herein  I  practised  some  small  measure 
of  deceit,  for  the  costume  itself  was  already 


34          Ftbble,  D.  D. 

fully  designed  and  a  copy  of  it,  intended  for 
my  own  use,  was  nearing  completion  in 
competent  hands ;  but  I  purposely  withheld 
that  information,  intending  to  come  before 
them  properly  accoutred  as  a  happy  sur 
prise,  as  it  were. 

In  my  hours  of  leisure  I  had  given  no 
little  thought  to  this  matter,  and  finally  en 
listed  the  assistance  of  Miss  Dorothea 
Peebles,  who  is  well  known  as  a  member 
of  our  parish,  and  also  does  plain  sewing 
and  dressmaking.  I  called  on  Miss  Peebles 
and  explained  to  her  the  situation;  and 
after  an  hour  spent  in  conference  we  devised 
a  garb  that  seemed  to  both  of  us  eminently 
suited  to  the  needs  to  which  it  would  be  put. 

At  the  outset  of  our  interview  certain 
small  differences  of  opinion  asserted  them 
selves.  Miss  Peebles'  original  suggestion 
of  a  modification  of  what  she  called  the 
Little  Lord  Fauntleroy  suit,  to  be  con 
structed  of  black  velvet  with  a  flowing  sash 
and  lace  cuffs,  hardly  seemed  adapted  to  our 
purpose.  I  was  also  impelled  gently  to 
veto  her  next  notion,  which  was  for  a  replica 
of  the  apparel  commonly  attributed  to  the 


Young  Nuts  of  America  35 

personage  known  as  Robin  Hood  and  his 
deluded  adherents.  As  I  was  at  some  pains 
to  elucidate  for  her  understanding,  I  could 
never  countenance  any  recognition,  how 
ever  remote,  of  an  individual  of  the  type  of 
Robin  Hood,  who,  however  noble  and  gen 
erous  he  may  have  been  in  certain  aspects, 
was  beyond  peradventure  a  person  of  un 
certain  moral  character. 

Furthermore,  the  colour  favoured  by  her 
— hunter's  green — though  of  a  harmonious 
tint  as  regards  the  prevalent  tone  of  the  for 
est  glades  wherein  we  counted  on  roaming 
in  a  care-free  manner,  was  by  reason  of  its 
very  name  inappropriate,  since  in  a  carnal 
sense  we  should  not  be  hunters  at  all,  mean 
ing  to  woo  the  wild  creatures  by  acts  of 
kindness  rather  than  to  slay  them  with  lethal 
weapons. 

The  costume  finally  agreed  on  combined 
a  number  of  distinctive  touches.  The  head 
dress  was  a  red  Scotch  cap — tam-o'-shanter 
I  believe  is  its  common  appellation — to  be 
ornamented  with  a  feather  or  tuft  of  simple 
field  flowers.  There  was  to  be  a  loose  white 
blouse  with  a  soft  rolling  collar  such  as 


36          Fibble,  D.  D. 

sailors  wear,  marked  on  the  sleeve  with  any 
desirable  insignia,  and  joined  or  attached 
to  the  nether  garments  by  means  of  a  broad 
leather  belt,  set  with  a  buckle.  It  was  my 
own  conception  that  the  nether  garments 
should  be  in  hue  blue,  and  should  end  just 
above  the  knees;  also,  that  the  stockings 
should  be  rolled  down  on  the  limbs,  thus 
leaving  the  knees  bare,  after  the  custom 
followed  by  the  hardy  Tyrolese  and  the 
natives  of  the  Highlands.  We  agreed  that 
the  matter  of  outer  coats  or  woven  jackets 
— I  dislike  the  word  sweater — for  further 
protection  in  inclement  atmospheric  condi 
tions,  should  be  left  to  the  dictates  of  the 
individual.  I  deplored  this,  however,  as 
tending  to  mar  the  general  effect. 

All  this  having  been  arranged,  Miss 
Peebles  volunteered  to  construct  a  costume 
for  me  according  to  measurements  that,  for 
the  sake  of  the  proprieties,  I  made  myself 
and  sent  to  her  by  mail.  With  my  mind 
relieved  of  this  duty,  I  set  diligently  about 
the  task  of  acquainting  myself  fully  with 
the  duties  of  my  position.  I  procured  a 
number  of  helpful  works,  including  among 


Young  Nuts  of  America  37 

others:  "Who's  Who  Among  the  Plants, 
Flowers,  Herbs  and  Shoots";  "How  to 
Know  the  Poison  Ivy — a  Brochure"; 
"Archery  in  All  Its  Branches";  "The  Com 
plete  Boy  Camper,"  by  a  Mr.  E.  Hough; 
and  an  authoritative  work  on  swimming  and 
diving.  To  the  last-named  volume  I  ap 
plied  myself  with  all  intensity.  I  felt  that 
a  thorough  knowledge  of  swimming  was  es 
sential  to  my  position  as  guide  and  instruc 
tor  to  these  young  minds. 

In  my  youth  I  never  learned  to  swim ;  in 
fact,  I  went  swimming  but  once.  On  that 
occasion  the  water  was  unpleasantly  chilly; 
and  on  my  venturing  out  waist-deep  there 
was  a  sensation — a  delusion  if  you  will — 
that  all  the  important  vital  organs  had  be 
come  detached  from  their  customary  align 
ments  and  were  crowding  up  into  the  throat, 
impeding  utterance  and  distracting  the 
thoughts  from  the  work  in  hand. 

Also,  on  emerging  from  the  pool  I  found 
my  young  companions  in  a  spirit  of  mistaken 
pleasantry  had  tied  my  garments  into  quite 
hard  knots.  This  inconsiderate  and  thought 
less  act  so  disturbed  me  that  I  did  not  repeat 


38          Fibble,  D.  D. 

the  experiment.  Besides,  on  my  returning 
home  and  repeating  the  entire  incident  in 
the  family  circle  my  mother  admonished  me 
that  the  downfall  of  countless  youths  prop 
erly  dated  from  the  day  when  they  first 
went  swimming  with  idle  comrades  with 
out  having  previously  procured  the  consent 
of  their  parents — a  thing  which  from  that 
hour  forth  I  never  thought  of  doing. 

In  order  to  acquire  proficiency  at  swim 
ming  it  was  imperative  on  me,  therefore, 
to  start  at  the  beginning.  Fortunately  the 
book  on  this  subject  was  very  explicit  in  text 
and  contained  many  charts  and  diagrams 
showing  the  correct  evolutions.  With  this 
book  open  before  me  at  the  proper  place  I 
lay  prone  on  the  floor,  striking  out  with 
my  arms  and  legs  according  to  the  printed 
instructions,  and  breathing  deeply  through 
the  nostrils.  It  was  while  I  was  so  engaged 
that  my  housekeeper,  Mrs.  Matilda  Dor 
cas,  came  into  my  room  without  knocking; 
for  a  moment  the  situation  became  mu 
tually  embarrassing. 

Thereafter  when  prosecuting  my  studies  I 
took  the  precaution  to  lock  my  bedroom 


Young  Nuts  of  America  39 

door,  thus  insuring  privacy.  The  result 
was,  within  four  days  I  could  compliment 
myself  with  the  reflection  that  I  had  com 
pletely  mastered  the  art  of  swimming,  be 
ing  entirely  familiar  with  the  various 
strokes,  including  the  breast  stroke,  the 
trudgeon  stroke,  the  Australian  crawl 
stroke,  and  others  of  an  even  quainter  no 
menclature. 

To  the  best  of  my  present  recollection,  it 
was  on  a  Friday  evening — Friday,  the 
twenty-first  ultimo — that  Miss  Peebles  sent 
to  me  by  messenger  my  completed  uniform, 
done  up  in  a  paper  parcel.  Having  by  tele 
phone  notified  the  twelve  charter  members 
to  attend  a  special  called  meeting  that  eve 
ning  at  the  parish  house,  I  repaired  to  my 
rooms  immediately  after  tea  and  proceeded 
to  attire  myself  in  the  costume,  standing 
meantime  before  my  mirror  to  study  the 
effect.  In  the  main,  Miss  Peebles  had  ad 
hered  to  the  original  design,  except  that 
the  nether  garments  or  knickerbockers  were 
of  rather  a  light  and  conspicuous  shade  of 
blue — I  believe  this  colour  tone  is  known 
vernacularly  as  robin  blue — and  she  had 


40          Fibble,  D.  D. 

seen  fit  to  garnish  their  outer  seams  and  the 
cuffs  of  the  blouse  with  rows  of  white  but 
tons  of  a  pearl-like  material  and  rather 
augmented  size,  which  added  a  decorative 
but  perhaps  unnecessary  touch  of  adorn 
ment. 

Also,  if  I  may  so  express  myself,  there  was 
a  feeling  of  undue  publicity  about  the  throat, 
this  being  due  to  the  open  collar,  and  in  the 
vicinity  of  the  knees.  I  am  somewhat  slen 
der  of  form,  though  not  too  slender,  I  take 
it,  for  my  height,  standing,  as  I  do,  five  feet 
six  inches  in  my  half  hose,  and  I  trust  I  am 
free  from  the  sin  of  personal  vanity;  but  I 
confess  that  at  the  moment,  contemplating 
my  likeness  in  the  mirror,  I  could  have 
wished  my  knees  had  not  been  quite  so 
prominently  conspicuous,  and  that  the  pro 
jection  of  the  thyroid  cartilage  of  the  larynx, 
called  vulgarly  Adam's  apple,  had  been  per 
haps  a  trifle  less  obtrusive. 

To  my  slenderness  I  also  attribute  a  feel 
ing  as  though  all  was  not  well  in  the  vicinity 
of  the  waistline,  even  though  I  tightened 
and  retightened  my  belt  so  snugly  as  to  cause 
some  difficulty  in  respiring  properly.  From 


Young  Nuts  of  America  41 

the  time  when  I  ceased  to  wear  short  trous 
ers,  which  buttoned  on,  I  have  ever  had 
recourse  to  braces  or  suspenders;  and  the 
lack  of  these  useful  but  perhaps  not  beau 
tiful  adjuncts  to  a  wardrobe  gave  a  sensation 
of  insecurity  which,  for  the  nonce,  proved 
disconcerting  in  the  extreme. 

Emotions  that  at  this  moment  I  find  it 
hard  to  interpret  in  words  actuated  me  to 
leave  the  house  in  a  quiet  and  unostentatious 
fashion — by  the  back  door,  in  fact — and  to 
proceed  on  my  way  to  the  parish  house, 
two  blocks  distant,  along  a  rather  obscure 
side  street.  I  was  perhaps  halfway  there 
when  through  the  falling  dusk  I  discerned, 
approaching  from  the  opposite  direction, 
three  of  my  parishioners — a  Mr.  G.  W. 
Pottinger,  whom  from  our  first  acquain 
tance  I  suspected  of  possessing  an  undue 
sense  of  humour,  and  his  daughters,  the 
Misses  Mildred  and  Mabel  Pottinger. 

For  the  moment  I  was  possessed  by  a 
mental  condition  I  may  define  as  being  akin 
to  embarrassment.  Involuntarily  I  turned 
into  the  nearest  doorway.  My  object  was  to 
avoid  a  meeting;  I  tell  you  this  frankly.  Im- 


12          Fibble,  D.  D. 

mediately,  however,  I  noted  that  the  door 
I  was  about  to  enter  was  the  door  of  a 
tobacco  dealer's  shop.  As  though  frozen 
into  marble,  I  halted  with  my  hand  on  the 
latch.  I  have  never  had  recourse  to  that 
noxious  weed,  tobacco,  in  any  form  whatso 
ever,  except  on  one  occasion  when,  in  the 
absence  of  camphor,  I  employed  it  in  a 
crumbled  state  for  the  purpose  of  protect 
ing  certain  woolen  undergarments  from  the 
ravages  of  the  common  moth. 

Indeed,  my  attitude  in  regard  to  tobacco 
is  as  firm  as  that  of  the  youth,  Robert  Reed, 
whose  noble  and  inspiring  words  on  this 
subject,  embodied  in  verse  form,  I  have  fre 
quently  quoted  to  the  growing  youth  about 
me.  I  realised  instantly  that  to  be  seen  in 
the  apparent  act  of  leaving  or  entering  the 
establishment  of  a  tobacconist  would,  in  a 
sense,  be  compromising;  so  I  retreated  to 
the  sidewalk  just  as  Mr.  Pottinger  and  the 
Misses  Pottinger  arrived  at  that  precise 
point. 

In  the  gloaming  I  fain  would  have  passed 
them  with  dignified  yet  hurried  movement; 
but  they  put  themselves  directly  in  my  path. 


MAY  I  ASK  WHETHER  YOU  ARE  GOING  TO  A  FANCY  DRESS 
PARTY  SOMEWHERE? 


Young  Nuts  of  America  43 

and  as  recognition  was  now  inevitable,  I 
halted,  removing  my  cap  with  my  right 
hand  while  with  my  left  I  continued,  as  I 
had  been  doing  ever  since  leaving  my  lodg 
ings,  to  retain  a  firm  grasp  on  my  waistline. 

"Good  evening!"  I  said.  "Is  it  not  a 
pleasant  evening  since  the  cool  of  evening 
set  in?  Good  evening!  Good-bye!"  And 
so  I  would  have  continued  on  my  way. 

Mr.  Pottinger  somehow  barred  the  way. 
I  heard  Miss  Mildred  Pottinger  give  voice 
to  a  species  of  gasp,  while  Miss  Mabel,  the 
younger  sister,  a  young  girl  and  much  ad 
dicted,  I  fear,  to  levity,  began  uttering  a 
gurgling,  choking  sound  that  somewhat  to 
my  subconscious  annoyance  continued  un 
abated  during  the  interview  which  fol 
lowed. 

"Good  evening!"  said  Mr.  Pottinger, 
clearing  his  throat.  "I  beg  your  pardon, 
Doctor  Fibble,  but  may  I  ask — Mabel, 
please  be  quiet! — may  I  ask  whether  you  are 
going  to  a  fancy-dress  party  somewhere?" 

"By  no  means,"  I  replied.  "I  am  en 
route,  sir,  to  attend  a  special  or  called  meet 
ing  of  our  newly  formed  boys'  outing  club. 


44          Fibble,  D.  D. 

These  are  the  habiliments  designed  for  club 
use." 

"Oh!"  he  said.  "Oh,  I  see!  Mabel, 
child,  kindly  restrain  yourself.  Don't  you 
see  Doctor  Fibble  and  I  are  talking? 
Ahem!  And  is  any  one  besides  yourself 
going  to  wear  this — er — er — regalia  in  pub 
lic?" 

Having  no  sons  of  his  own,  Mr.  Pottinger 
naturally  would  be  unacquainted  with  the 
aims  and  objects  of  my  present  activities. 
Therefore  I  could  well  understand  his  ig 
norance. 

"Oh,  yes,  indeed,"  was  my  answer;  "all 
of  our  members  are  to  wear  it." 

"What  will  you  bet?"  Such  was  his 
astonishing  rejoinder — I  say  astonishing, 
because  nothing  had  been  said  regarding  a 
wager  and  certainly  nothing  had  been 
farther  from  my  own  thoughts. 

"What  will  I  bet?"  I  echoed,  for  the  in 
stant  n0nplussed.  Then  consciousness  of 
what  I  had  just  said  came  to  me  with  a 
shock.  Releasing  my  waistband  I  clasped 
both  my  hands  before  me  in  an  attitude  to 
which  I  am  much  given  when  desirous  of 


Young  Nuts  of  America  45 

signifying  unwonted  intensity  of  feeling. 
"Mr.  Pottinger,"  I  said  gravely,  "I  never 
bet.  I  regard  it  as  a  reprehensible  practice. 
I  am  bitterly  opposed  under  all  circum 
stances  to  the  hazard  of  chance." 

"All  right!  Excuse  me,"  he  said;  "only 
it  seems  to  me  you're  taking  one  now.  Well, 
good  evening,  doctor,  and  good  luck  to 
you !  Er — you  don't  mind  my  compliment 
ing  you  on  your  gameness,  do  you?" 

And  so  he  departed,  continuing  as  long 
as  he  remained  in  my  hearing  to  reprehend 
his  younger  daughter  concerning  her  un 
seemly  and  ill-timed  outbursts. 

This  episode,  trifling  though  it  was, 
served  rather  to  increase  than  to  diminish 
my  nervousness ;  but  upon  my  entering  the 
assembly  hall,  where  my  young  friends  were 
gathered  together  awaiting  my  coming,  all 
sense  of  trepidation  vanished,  so  spon 
taneous  and  uproarious  was  their  greeting. 
The  chorus  of  lusty  young  voices  raised  in 
instantaneous  cheering  was  to  me  sufficient 
reward  for  all  the  pains  to  which  I  had  been 
put.  One  and  all,  they  manifested  the 
deepest  interest  in  the  new  uniform. 


46          Fibble,  D.  D. 

At  the  request  of  Master  Pope — he  to 
whom  I  have  already  referred  in  terms  of 
high  praise — I,  standing  on  the  small  raised 
platform,  turned  round  and  round  slowly, 
in  order  that  he  and  his  fellows  might  bet 
ter  study  the  effect,  the  enthusiasm  increas 
ing  all  the  time  until  the  sound  was  really 
quite  deafening  in  volume.  It  was,  indeed, 
a  refreshing  experience,  following  so  closely 
on  the  Pottinger  incident;  and  I  veritably 
believe  that,  had  I  not  grown  slightly  dizzy, 
those  brave  boys  would  have  kept  me  re 
volving  there  for  an  hour. 

"Now,  then,  my  fine  fellows,"  I  said, 
when  the  noise  had  died  down,  "I  shall  dis 
tribute  among  you  twelve  water-colour 
drawings,  done  by  your  leader's  own  hand, 
showing  the  general  plan  and  colour  scheme 
to  be  followed  in  executing  this  costume. 
Master  Pope,  will  you  kindly  pass  out  these 
copies  to  your  mates?" 

This  done  and  the  members  being  warned 
to  have  their  uniforms  speedily  ready,  I 
announced  that  on  the  following  Thursday 
we  should  embark  on  our  first  invasion  of 
the  forest  primeval,  going  for  a  camping 


Young  Nuts  of  America  47 

expedition  of  three  days  to  the  shores  of 
Hatcher's  Lake,  a  body  of  water  situate, 
as  I  had  previously  ascertained,  a  distance 
of  forty  miles  by  rail  from  the  city  and  four 
miles  more  from  the  station  at  Hatchers- 
ville,  a  small  village. 

"We  shall  proceed  to  this  obscure  hamlet 
on  the  steam  cars,"  I  explained,  "and  thence 
to  our  appointed  place  afoot,  bearing  our 
camp  baggage  and  other  acoutrements 
with  us." 

With  an  uplifted  hand  I  checked  the  out 
burst  that  was  about  to  follow  this  announce 
ment. 

"Remember,  please,  the  proprieties!"  I 
said.  "Now  then,  all  together,  after  me: 
Huzza!  Huzza!  Huzza! — Tiger!" 

As  the  echoes  died  away  Master  Horri- 
gan  spoke: 

"How  about  tents?"  he  said. 

"How  about  a  cook?"  This  came  from 
Master  E.  Smith,  the  stouter  of  the  two 
Smiths  with  an  i. 

"How  about  cots?"  This  last  speaker, 
as  I  recall,  was  Master  MacMonnies. 


48          Fibble,  D.  D. 

Other  questions  of  a  similar  tenor  vol 
leyed  on  me  from  all  quarters. 

For  a  space  of  time  measurable  by  min 
utes  I  was  quite  taken  aback.  So  engrossed 
had  I  been  with  the  costume,  with  acquir 
ing  skill  at  swimming,  and  with  ordering 
from  Boston  a  genuine  English  yew  bow 
and  a  sheaf  of  arrows,  that  until  this  mo 
ment  these  lesser  details  had  entirely 
escaped  my  attention ;  but  at  once  my  mind 
was  at  work  on  the  situation. 

I  recalled  that  in  the  work  by  Mr. 
Hough,  entitled,  "The  Complete  Boy 
Camper,"  of  which,  as  I  have  remarked  be 
fore,  I  already  had  a  copy  by  me,  there  was 
a  chapter  describing  how  a  balmy  couch, 
far  superior  to  any  ordinary  bed,  might  be 
constructed  of  the  boughs  of  the  spruce,  the 
hemlock,  the  cedar,  or  other  evergreen 
growths  indigenous  to  our  latitude;  and 
also  a  chapter  describing  methods  of  cook 
ing  without  pots  or  pans  over  a  wood  fire. 
The  author  went  so  far  as  to  say  that  bacon 
was  never  so  delicious  as  when  broiled  on 
a  pointed  stick  above  the  glowing  coals  in 
the  open  air,  thus  preserving  the  racy  tang 


Young  Nuts  of  America  49 

of  the  woods ;  while  it  was  stated  that  the 
ideal  manner  of  preparing  any  small  game 
or  fish  for  human  consumption  was  to  roll 
it  in  a  ball  of  wet  clay  and  then  roast  it  in 
the  glowing  ashes. 

It  was  set  forth  that  the  person  in  charge 
of  the  cooking  should  never  pluck  or  skin 
the  game,  or  even  open  its  interior  for  the 
purpose  for  which  I  believe  such  interiors 
are  opened  in  similar  cases;  but  that  when 
the  fire  had  died  down  and  the  ball  had 
assumed  a  bricklike  consistency,  one  had 
but  to  rake  the  latter  forth,  whereupon  it 
would  split  apart;  that  the  skin,  feathers  or 
scales,  as  the  case  might  be,  adhering  to  the 
inner  surfaces  of  the  dried  clay,  would  be 
removed,  so  to  speak,  automatically;  and 
that  the  innermost  contents  of  the  animal, 
bird  or  fish — I  hesitate  to  use  the  word 
employed  in  the  book — that  the  contents, 
as  I  shall  call  them,  would  then  be  found 
drawn  up  into  a  small,  hard  knot,  leaving 
the  meat  ready  to  be  eaten. 

The  author  of  the  book  went  on  to  say 
that  when  in  the  woods  he  rarely  prepared 
his  food  after  any  other  fashion,  and  that  so 


50          Fibble,  D.  D. 

cooked,  with  the  addition  of  a  little  salt,  it 
was  invariably  deliciously  flavoured — in 
short,  a  dish  fit  for  a  king. 

Recalling  these  things,  I  told  the  lads 
they  need  not  concern  themselves  with  such 
matters  as  cots  and  culinary  utensils — that  I 
would  take  those  matters  in  hand.  I  realise 
now,  in  the  light  of  subsequent  events,  that 
I  spoke  o'erhastily;  but,  inspired  with  con 
fidence  by  my  readings,  I  felt  no  doubt 
whatever  regarding  my  ability  to  master 
such  emergencies  as  might  arise. 

As  for  tents,  I  said  that  with  the  aid  of 
a  small  axe  I  could  within  a  few  minutes, 
by  following  certain  directions  given  in 
"The  Complete  Boy  Camper,"  construct 
commodious  and  comfortable  lean-for 
wards.  The  work  in  question  had  spoken 
of  these  edifices  as  lean-tos,  but  I  preferred 
the  word  lean-forwards  as  being  more  gram 
matical  and  more  euphonious  as  well. 

With  a  few  parting  admonitions  from  me 
concerning  the  costume,  personal  toilet  ap 
pendages,  the  hour  of  leaving,  and  so  on, 
the  meeting  then  broke  up,  the  boys  scat 
tering  into  the  darkness  with  ringing  halloos 


Young  Nuts  of  America  51 

of  unalloyed  happiness,  all  very  refreshing 
to  hear,  while  I  wended  my  homeward  way 
filled  with  not  unpleasing  reflections  of  the 
prospect  before  me. 

However,  these  thoughts  were  soon  dis 
sipated,  for  the  intervening  days  were  so 
filled  with  labour  that  I  preserve  but  an 
indistinct  and  blurred  recollection  of  them. 
Just  when  I  was  sure  tjiat  every  imaginable 
contingency  had  been  provided  for,  some 
other  item,  unforeseen  until  then,  would 
crop  up.  I  was  kept  busy  revising  and  en 
larging  my  list  of  needful  articles  and  scur 
rying  about  here  and  there  among  trades 
people,  finally  staggering  home  at  twilight 
laden  with  parcels  and  quite  on  the  verge 
of  exhaustion.  Really  it  was  very  annoying. 

Even  with  the  coming  of  night  there  was 
no  surcease,  for  such  was  my  sense  of  my 
own  responsibilities  that  my  sleep  was  much 
broken.  I  would  wake  with  a  start  from 
troubled  slumber  to  remember  something 
of  importance  that  I  had  until  that  mo 
ment  entirely  forgotten.  I  developed  a 
severe  headache  and  became  so  distraught 
that  to  the  simplest  questions  I  made 


52          Fibble,  D.  D. 

strangely  incongruous  answers.  Once,  at 
eventide,  on  Mrs.  Dorcas'  coming  into  my 
study  to  enquire  what  I  would  have  for 
breakfast  the  ensuing  morning,  I  mechan 
ically  answered,  to  the  no  small  astonish 
ment  of  that  worthy  person:  "Spruce 
boughs!" 

Nevertheless,  the  day  of  departure  found 
me  quite  prepared.  At  least  I  fancied  I 
was  amply  prepared  for  all  situations;  but 
who  can  forestall  the  emergencies  that  may 
confront  one  when  one,  leaving  one's  accus 
tomed  mode  of  life,  plunges  one's  self  head 
long  into  another  sphere,  of  an  entirely  dis 
similar  aspect?  Who,  I  repeat,  can  foretell 
these? 

I  had  meant  to  proceed  afoot  to  the  sta 
tion,  carrying  my  impedimenta,  as  an  ex 
ample  of  hardihood  and  endurance  for  the 
benefit  of  my  young  adherents;  but  such 
was  the  number  of  parcels  and  their  awk 
wardness  of  shape  and  bulk  that  at  the  final 
moment,  after  I  had  painfully  strained  my 
arms  in  an  effort  to  raise  the  largest  pack 
to  my  back,  and  after  I  had  been  repeatedly 
tripped  by  the  handle  of  my  woodsman's 


Young  Nuts  of  America  53 

axe,  which  I  wore  in  my  belt,  I  suffered 
Mrs.  Dorcas  to  summon  a  hired  hack  or 
conveyance.  Seated  on  the  rear  seat  of  this 
vehicle,  carrying  some  of  my  equipage  in 
my  lap  and  having  the  rest  piled  about  me, 
I  was  conveyed  to  the  station. 

Seemingly  tidings  of  our  excursion  had 
spread,  for  an  unusually  large  crowd  was 
gathered  on  the  platform  as  I  drove  up. 
Again,  if  I  must  own  it,  the  old  feeling  of 
conspicuousness  in  regard  to  my  throat  and 
knees  assailed  me.  Possibly  this  emotion 
was  accentuated  by  a  trifling  circumstance 
that  eventuated  as  I  sought  to  alight  from 
the  hack.  Hampered  by  my  belongings,  I 
stumbled  on  the  handle  of  my  axe,  which 
persistently  trailed  between  my  limbs,  and 
was  thrown  headlong  between  the  wheels, 
while  many  of  my  dislodged  parcels  de 
scended  on  me,  retarding  my  efforts  to  re 
gain  my  equilibrium. 

Having  been  assisted  to  my  feet  by  several 
bystanders,  I  lost  no  time  in  entering  the 
waiting  room,  where,  noting  that  I  was  ap 
parently  the  object  of  some  quite  unneces 
sary  curiosity  on  the  part  of  those  present, 


54          Fibble,  D.  D. 

I  remained  in  a  corner  surrounded  by  my 
bundles  and  with  my  handkerchief  fanning 
my  face,  which  felt  quite  warm,  until  the 
moment  for  departure  drew  near.  Several 
times  during  this  interval  I  caught  myself 
regretting  that  I  had  arrived  so  early;  half 
an  hour  or  more  elapsed  before  my  young 
followers  began  to  appear,  straggling  in  one 
by  one. 

To  my  great  surprise  and  no  less  disap 
pointment  I  discovered  that  of  all  our  num 
ber  I  alone  was  properly  clad  and  accou 
tred  for  this,  our  very  first  outing.  In  the 
main  the  members  who  appeared  were 
attired  merely  in  their  customary  garments. 
Each  in  turn  explained  that  for  various 
reasons  he  had  been  unable  to  secure  his 
completed  costume  in  proper  time.  Four 
of  the  lads,  as  I  learned  at  secondhand, 
through  the  diligence  of  their  mothers,  had 
acquired  the  prescribed  apparel;  but  all 
four,  strange  to  say,  had  been  taken  ill  that 
very  morning  and  now  sent  their  excuses, 
expressing  deep  regret  at  being  unable  to 
join  us.  Really,  when  I  recall  what  was  to 
occur  in  my  own  instance  it  would  almost 


Young  Nuts  of  America  55 

seem  to  one  superstitiously  inclined  that  a 
sort  of  fatality  attached  to  the  wearing  of 
the  garb. 

At  the  last  moment  Master  Dunworthy, 
our  youngest  member,  arrived  in  charge  of 
his  mother;  and  he,  I  was  rejoiced  to  be 
hold,  was  properly  apparelled  in  the  regula 
tion  red  cap,  white  blouse  and  light  blue 
nether  garments.  A  diffidence,  with  which 
I  could  in  a  measure  sympathise,  induced 
Master  Dunworthy  to  walk  closely  behind 
his  mother;  in  fact  it  might  almost  be  said 
he  came  forward  unwillingly,  impelled  by 
the  firm  grip  of  the  maternal  hand  on  his 
collar.  He  was  also  sobbing  audibly,  pre 
sumably  from  homesickness. 

With  a  view  to  assuaging  his  distress  I 
made  him  colour  bearer  on  the  spot  and  con 
ferred  on  him  the  compliment  of  bearing 
our  flag — white,  with  a  red  border  and  a 
design  of  a  large  blue  filbert  in  the  centre— 
a  banner  of  my  own  designing  and  worked 
out  by  Miss  Peebles.  I  could  have  wished 
the  filbert  had  looked  more  like  a  filbert 
and  less  like  a  melon ;  but  the  general  effect, 
I  flattered  myself,  was  excellent.  Yet  the 


56          Ftbble,  D.  D. 

bestowal  of  this  honour  failed  to  revive  the 
despondent  spirits  of  Master  Dunworthy. 

Up  to  the  moment  of  leaving,  I  cherished 
the  hope  that  some  of  the  absentees  would 
appear,  but  that  was  not  to  be.  When  with 
infinite  difficulty  I  had  marshalled  my 
charges  aboard  the  train,  amid  the  friendly 
laughter  and  cheering  of  the  crowd,  I  found 
that  we  were,  all  told,  but  seven  in  number; 
and  but  a  moment  after  we  were  reduced  to 
six,  since  Master  Dunworthy  unaccount 
ably  vanished,  leaving  the  flag  behind  him. 

So  engaged  was  I  in  the  task  of  bestow 
ing  our  seemingly  innumerable  trappings 
properly  that  the  train  was  actually  in  mo 
tion  before  I  became  cognisant  of  his  disap 
pearance.  Convinced  that  he  had  been  left 
behind  by  accident,  I  entreated  the  conduc 
tor  to  return  for  our  colour  bearer;  but  this 
the  conductor  refused  to  do,  saying  it  was 
enough  to  be  running  a  circus  train  without 
having  to  back  up  every  time  one  of  the 
animals  got  lost,  strayed  or  stolen.  This  I 
took  to  be  a  veiled  thrust  at  our  little  band 
and  as  such  I  treated  it  with  dignified 
silence. 


Young  Nuts  of  America  57 

We  were  presently  rolling  away  through 
the  peaceful,  sunlit  countryside  at  an  ex 
hilarating  speed,  and  I,  little  dreaming  of 
what  was  in  store  for  me  and  believing  all 
our  troubles  were  now  behind  us,  felt 
tempted  to  indulge  myself  in  the  luxury  of 
drawing  several  deep  breaths  of  relief. 
However,  fresh  distractions  occurred.  I 
was  much  annoyed  to  discern  among  the 
remaining  lads  a  romping  and  disorderly 
spirit,  which  I  was  at  pains  to  discourage, 
at  first  by  shakes  of  the  head  and  frowns, 
and  ultimately  by  expressions  of  open  re 
proof,  such  as  "Tut!  Tut!"  and  "Pray  be 
done,  young  gentlemen!  I  beseech  you  to 
be  done."  ' 

To  me  it  appeared  that  certain  of  the 
adult  passengers,  by  covert  signs  and  sounds 
of  approval,  were  actually  abetting  and  en 
couraging  the  urchins  in  their  misbehaviour. 
Master  Pope,  alone  of  all  his  fellows,  main 
tained  a  suitable  deportment.  As  he  sat 
demurely  behind  me  I  observed  him  in  the 
act  of  imitating  my  gestures  of  reproof  to 
his  less  decorous  comrades — a  manifestation 


58          Fibble,  D.  D. 

of  the  emulative  spirit  which  gratified  me 
no  little. 

I  own  that  I  was  much  rejoiced  to  hear 
the  verbal  announcement  of  the  conductor's 
assistant — known,  I  believe,  as  the  brakeman 
— that  Hatchersville  would  be  the  next  stop 
ping  place.  True  enough,  the  train,  as 
though  to  confirm  his  words,  stopped  almost 
immediately.  As  we  left  the  car,  myself 
bringing  up  the  rear  and  bearing  the  flag 
in  addition  to  my  other  belongings,  some 
slight  delay  was  occasioned  by  the  flagstaff 
getting  crosswise  in  the  door  opening.  As, 
with  the  brakeman's  good  offices,  I  suc 
ceeded  in  dislodging  it  from  its  horizontal 
position,  a  voice  behind  me  called  out, 
"Good-bye,  little  Tut-tut!"  which  offensive 
remark  was  at  once  caught  up  by  others. 

I  framed  a  fitting  and,  I  think,  a  crushing 
retort,  but  before  I  had  entirely  completed 
it  in  my  own  mind  the  cars  had  moved  on 
and  I  found  myself  standing  with  my  dimin 
ished  troop  on  the  platform,  surrounded  by 
a  staring  ring  of  rustics  of  all  ages  and  con 
ditions. 

For  some  reason  these  persons  appeared 


Young  Nuts  of  America  59 

to  labour  under  the  impression  that  we  con 
stituted  some  sort  of  travelling  amusement 
enterprise.  One  of  them,  a  person  of  elderly 
aspect,  asked  me  what  kind  of  medicine  I 
was  selling,  and  a  number  of  small  boys  re 
quested  me  to  shoot  with  my  bow  and  ar 
rows  for  their  delectation.  Disregarding 
these  impertinences,  I  enquired  of  the  el 
derly  man  how  one  might  best  reach  Hatch 
er's  Lake. 

"Straight  down  the  main  pike,"  he  re 
plied,  pointing  to  a  gravel-coated  road 
winding  away  toward  the  top  of  an  adjacent 
hill;  "but  it's  better'n  three  miles,  and  if 
you're  aimin'  to  give  a  free  show  and  sell 
Injun  Bitters  or  somethin'  you'd  a  heap  bet 
ter  stop  right  here,  because  you'd  git  a  big 
ger  crowd  than  you  would  up  at  the  lake." 

Rendered  pettish,  possibly  irritable,  by 
the  display  of  an  ignorance  so  dense  and 
incomprehensible,  I  waved  him  aside  with 
out  deigning  to  answer. 

"Fall  in!"  I  bade  my  followers  in  a  mili 
tary  manner;  and  then,  when  they  had  gath 
ered  up  their  belongings:  "Forward — 
march!" 


60          Fibble,  D.  D. 

In  his  crude  vernacular,  which  I  have 
endeavoured  to  reproduce  faithfully,  the 
aged  rustic  had  said  Hatcher's  Lake  was 
better  than  three  miles  distant  I  am  con 
vinced  what  he  meant  was  not  better  but 
worse. 

As  we  marched  away  over  the  brow  of 
the  hill  the  sun  shone  down  with  excessive 
and  caloric  fervour  and  the  dust  rose  in 
thick  clouds,  coating  our  lineaments,  which 
already  were  bedewed  with  perspiration. 
Momentarily  the  articles  that  filled  my  arms 
and  hung  on  my  shoulders  and  back  grew 
more  cumbersome  and  burdensome,  and 
speedily  I  developed  a  blistered  and  fever 
ish  condition  of  the  feet  or  pedal  extremi 
ties. 

I  think  it  must  have  been  at  about  this 
time  I  dropped  my  shaving  outfit,  a  wash- 
rag  and  my  toothbrush  out  of  the  breast 
pocket  of  my  blouse,  and  lost,  presumably 
from  under  my  arm,  the  small  parcel  con 
taining  my  bedroom  slippers  and  a  garment 
intended  for  nightwear  exclusively.  A  vial 
of  cold  cream,  all  my  spare  pocket  hand 
kerchiefs,  and  the  brochure  on  the  peculiari- 


Young  Nuts  of  America  61 

ties  of  the  poison  ivy  also  disappeared  dur 
ing  the  journey — but  at  exactly  what  point 
I  know  not  and  could  not,  with  propriety, 
undertake  to  say.  Throughout  the  march, 
however,  though  well-nigh  spent  and  ex 
hausted,  I  clung  to  the  other  burdens,  hold 
ing  in  my  hands  and  under  my  arms,  among 
other  things,  the  bow  and  arrows,  the  flag, 
the  axe,  a  blanket,  a  cake  of  soap,  and  a 
small  sofa  pillow  of  pale  pink  which  Mrs. 
Dorcas  had  insisted  on  my  bringing  with 
me. 

I  have  not  at  my  command  words  proper 
to  describe  my  profound  relief  when,  after 
travelling  what  seemed  a  great  distance, 
mainly  uphill,  we  reached  a  point  where, 
advised  by  a  signpost,  we  turned  off  the 
main  highway  into  a  wooded  bypath  trav 
ersing  aisles  of  majestic  forest  monarchs, 
which  seemed  to  extend  for  vast  distances 
in  every  direction,  and  came  at  length  to 
our  destination. 

How  cool  seemed  the  placid  mirror  of  the 
lake,  with  its  surface  unruffled,  or  prac 
tically  so!  How  inviting  the  mossy  green 
sward!  How  grateful  the  dense  shade! 


62          Fibble,  D.  D. 

How  cooling  to  parched  lips  the  cool  fluid 
bubbling  from  its  spring  or  fountain!  To 
complete  enjoyment  of  this  last  named 
there  was  but  one  drawback.  We  had  for 
gotten  to  bring  any  drinking  cups. 

Master  Horrigan  contrived  to  fashion  his 
hat  into  some  manner  of  drinking  recep 
tacle,  and  after  some  passing  reluctance  I 
was  induced  to  slake  my  thirst  with  the  aid 
of  this;  but  I  am  sure  I  should  never  care 
to  drink  regularly  from  a  boy's  hat. 

Our  thirst  being  sated,  the  lads  mani 
fested  an  inclination  to  remove  their  gar 
ments  and  dash  headlong  into  the  waters 
of  the  lake ;  but  I  said  them  nay. 

"All  things  in  order,"  quoth  I,  "and  one 
thing  at  a  time,  if  you  please,  my  young 
comrades.  First,  we  must,  as  the  cant  word 
goes,  pitch  our  camp  and  prepare  our  tem 
porary  habitations;  then  shall  we  partake  of 
suitable  midday  refreshment.  After  which, 
following  a  period  devoted  by  me  to  help 
ful  discourse  and  the  exercise  of  the  diges 
tive  processes  on  the  part  of  all  present,  we 
may  safely  consider  the  advisability  of  dis 
porting  ourselves  in  yon  convenient  sheet 


Young  Nuts  of  America  63 

or  pool  of  water;  but,  in  view  of  our  ardu 
ous  march  just  completed,  I  feel  that  we 
should  be  amply  justified  in  reclining  on 
the  greensward  for  a  brief  passage  of  time." 

So  saying,  I  set  the  example  by  throwing 
myself  in  a  prone  attitude  on  the  turf;  but 
not  for  long  did  I  remain  thus.  Consider 
ing  its  mossy  appearance,  the  earth  seemed 
unduly  hard  and  strangely  unsuited  to  serve 
as  a  cushion  for  the  recumbent  human  form. 
In  addition,  there  was  an  amazing  preva 
lence  of  insect  life,  all  of  it  characterised 
by  a  restless  and  constant  activity. 

Ofttimes  have  I  read  verses  by  our  most 
inspired  poets  telling  of  the  delights  of 
lying  prostrate  within  the  leafy  fastnesses 
of  the  forest  deep,  but  I  am  forced  to  believe 
these  poets  were  elsewhere  when  engaged 
in  inditing  their  immortal  lines.  On  suit 
able  occasions  I  have  myself  indulged  in 
poesy;  but  I  am  quite  certain  I  could  not 
court  the  muse  while  ants  were  crawling  on 
my  limbs  and  even  invading  my  garments, 
as  in  the  present  instance.  Earwigs  were 
also  remarked. 

So,  rising,  I  cautioned  my  followers  to 


64          Fibble,  D.  D. 

withdraw  themselves  to  a  safe  distance; 
and  then,  with  the  aid  of  the  woodsman's 
axe — borrowed  from  our  worthy  hardware 
merchant,  Mr.  J.  T.  Harkness,  to  whom 
credit  is  due  for  his  abundant  kindness — I 
proceeded  to  fell  or  cause  to  fall  the  trees 
of  which  I  proposed  constructing  our  lean- 
forwards,  two  or  more  in  number. 

My  initial  object  of  attack  was  a  large 
tree;  but,  finding  its  fibres  to  be  of  a  singu 
larly  hard  and  resistant  nature,  and  the  axe 
manifesting  an  unaccountable  tendency  to 
twist  in  my  hands,  causing  the  sides  of  the 
axe  rather  than  its  edged  portion  to  strike 
against  the  tree,  resulting  in  painful  shocks 
to  my  arms  and  shoulders,  I  was  soon  in 
duced  to  abandon  it  for  a  smaller  tree. 

In  circumference  of  trunk  this  second 
tree  was  hardly  more  than  a  sapling,  yet  it 
required  upward  of  half  an  hour  of  the  most 
arduous  and  persistent  labour,  and  several 
large  water  blisters  appeared  on  the  palms 
of  my  hands  before  it  tottered,  bent, 
cracked  and  finally  fell  quivering  on  the 
earth.  In  descending  it  perversely  took  the 
wrong  direction,  narrowly  escaping  striking 


Young  Nuts  of  America  65 

me  in  its  fall ;  indeed,  one  of  its  lower  limbs 
severely  scratched  my  left  cheek. 

Nor  did  the  severed  trunk  possess  the  neat 
and  symmetrical  appearance  I  have  noted 
in  the  case  of  trees  felled  by  professional 
woodsmen.  Rather  did  it  present  the  aspect 
of  having  been  gnawed  down  by  slow  de 
grees,  resembling,  if  I  may  use  the  simile, 
a  very  hard  lead  pencil,  the  point  of  which 
has  been  renewed  with  a  very  dull  knife. 

A  hasty  mental  calculation  now  convinced 
me  that  at  this  rate  of  progress  many  hours 
or  possibly  days  would  elapse  before  I  felled 
a  sufficient  number  of  trees  to  construct  one 
or  more  lean-forwards  of  the  dimensions  I 
had  in  mind.  Desiring  opportunity  to  pon 
der  over  this,  I  suggested  to  the  lads,  who 
were  seated  in  a  row  following  my  move 
ments  with  every  indication  of  lively  in 
terest,  that  we  desist  for  the  time  from  build 
ing  operations  and  enjoy  luncheon,  which 
announcement  was  greeted  with  audible  ap 
proval  by  all. 

"Let  us  build  a  true  woodsmen's  camp 
fire,"  I  said;  "and  over  it  I  shall  broil  for 


66          Fibble,  D.  D. 

your  delectation  succulent  slices  of  crisp 
bacon." 

Almost  immediately  a  cheery  fire  was 
burning  on  the  shore  of  the  lake.  From  the 
stock  of  supplies  I  brought  forth  a  strip  of 
bacon,  finding  it  much  greasier  than  I  had 
anticipated;  I  may  say  I  had  never  before 
handled  this  product  in  its  raw  state.  I  set 
about  removing  a  suitable  number  of  slices. 
Here  an  unanticipated  contingency  devel 
oped — in  the  press  of  other  matters  I  had 
failed  to  provide  a  knife  or  other  edged  tool 
with  which  to  slice  it.  One  of  the  lads  pro 
duced  from  his  pocket  a  small  knife;  but, 
suspecting  from  the  appearance  of  the  blade 
the  presence  of  lurking  bacteria,  I  used  the 
axe.  This  gave  the  slices  a  somewhat  un 
even  and  ragged  appearance. 

Affixing  a  suitable  fragment  of  the  meat 
on  a  forked  stick,  I  fell  to  broiling  it.  The 
smoke  from  the  fire  proved  most  annoying. 
No  matter  in  what  position  one  placed  one 
self,  or  where  one  stood,  this  smoke  invaded 
one's  nostrils  and  eyes,  causing  choking  and 
smarting  sensations.  Then,  too,  in  the  early 
stages  of  my  cooking  operations  a  cater- 


Young  Nuts  of  America  67 

pillar  fell  from  a  bough  overhead  down  the 
back  of  my  neck. 

I  was  taken  quite  unaware,  I  do  assure 
you.  I  have  ever  entertained  a  distaste, 
amounting  to  aversion,  for  caterpillars,  both 
in  an  active  living  state  and  when  they  have 
been  crushed  beneath  the  careless  foot. 
With  me  this  attained  to  a  deep-rooted  an 
tipathy.  Even  at  the  sight  of  one  progress 
ing  on  a  limb  or  leaf,  by  wrinkling  up  its 
back,  I  can  with  difficulty  repress  a  visible 
shudder.  How  much  greater  the  shock, 
then,  to  feel  it  descending  one's  spinal  col 
umn? 

I  uttered  a  short,  involuntary  outcry  and, 
stepping  backward,  I  encountered  some 
slippery  object  and  was  instantly  precipi 
tated  with  jarring  force  to  the  earth.  It 
appeared  that  I  had  set  my  foot  on  the  strip 
of  bacon,  which  inadvertently  I  had  left 
lying  on  the  ground  directly  in  my  rear. 
An  unsightly  smear  of  grease  on  the  re 
verse  breadth  of  my  blue  knickerbockers 
was  the  consequence.  I  endeavoured, 
though,  to  pass  off  the  incident  with  a  pleas 
ant  smile,  saying  merely: 


68          Fibble,  D.  D. 

"Accidents  will  happen  in  the  best-regu 
lated  families,  will  they  not?  Oh,  yes,  in 
deed!" 

The  first  strip  of  bacon  having  fallen  in 
the  fire  and  been  utterly  destroyed,  I  pre 
pared  another;  and,  as  Master  Pope  volun 
teered  to  stand  vigilantly  on  guard  behind 
me  and  prevent  other  caterpillars  from  de 
scending  on  me,  I  resumed  my  task.  Never 
theless,  Master  Pope's  ministrations  proved 
of  small  avail.  During  the  course  of  the 
next  few  minutes  no  less  than  six  separate 
and  distinct  caterpillars,  besides  a  small 
black  beetle  or  cockchafer  of  a  most  re 
pellent  aspect,  fell  down  my  back. 

Once,  turning  my  head  suddenly,  I  found 
Master  Pope  holding  a  caterpillar  extended 
between  the  thumb  and  forefinger  of  his 
right  hand  almost  directly  above  the  nape 
of  my  neck.  He  explained  that  he  had 
plucked  it  out  of  midair  as  it  was  in  the  act 
of  dropping  from  the  leafage  above.  I  ad 
mired  his  presence  of  mind  greatly,  but  his 
courage  yet  more.  I  confess  that  except  to 
save  human  life  I  should  never  have  the  for- 


Young  Nuts  of  America  69 

titude  to  grasp  a  caterpillar  with  an  un 
gloved  hand. 

Doubtlessly  because  of  the  nervousness 
occasioned  by  the  prevalence  of  caterpillars, 
the  bacon  as  broiled  was  not  the  unqualified 
success  I  had  been  led  to  expect  from  read 
ing  Mr.  Hough's  work.  Personally,  I 
could  not  grow  rapturous  over  the  wild- 
wood  tang  of  which  so  much  has  been  said 
in  a  complimentary  way  by  other  and  more 
experienced  campers  than  myself.  I  am  in 
clined  to  think  the  wildwood  tang  must  be 
an  acquired  taste. 

Altogether,  I  fear  our  noontide  repast 
might  have  proved  rather  a  failure  had  it 
not  been  that  Master  Horrigan's  mother  at 
the  hour  of  his  departure  had  bestowed  on 
him  a  quantity  of  ham  sandwiches  and  a 
large  lemon-jelly  cake  of  the  layer  variety. 
Eliminating  broiled  bacon  from  our  menu 
we  lunched,  therefore,  on  sandwiches  and 
a  part  of  the  cake,  the  latter  in  particular 
being  quite  agreeable  to  the  palate  though 
in  a  somewhat  shaken  and  disturbed  state 
from  being  transported  beneath  Master 
Horrigan's  arm. 


70          Fibble,  D.  D. 

The  immediate  pangs  of  hunger  being  as 
suaged,  I  craved  tea.  Tea  is  the  one  stimu 
lant  in  which  I  indulge.  A  cup  of  mod 
erately  strong  Oolong,  slightly  weakened 
by  the  addition  of  a  modicum  of  cream  or 
hot  milk,  with  three  lumps  of  sugar  in  it, 
is  to  me  a  most  refreshing  drink  and  one  to 
which  I  am  strongly  drawn.  So  I  set  about 
brewing  myself  a  portion  of  tea. 

Again  backsets  developed.  I  enumerate 
them:  First,  I  knew  nothing,  except  by  the 
merest  hearsay,  of  the  art  of  brewing  tea. 
Second,  I  had  failed  to  provide  myself  with 
a  teapot  or  similar  vessel.  Third,  in  the 
natural  confusion  of  the  moment  I  had  left 
the  tea  on  board  the  train.  Fourth,  there 
was  no  milk,  neither  was  there  cream  or 
sugar.  A  sense  of  lassitude,  with  a  slight 
headache,  was  the  result  of  my  having  per 
force  to  forego  my  customary  cup. 

I  had  meant  to  devote  the  hour  following 
the  meal  to  an  enlivening  discourse  on  the 
joys  of  outdoor  life  and  communion  with 
Nature  in  her  devious  moods,  as  the  poet 
hath  said,  to  be  couched  in  language  suitable 
for  the  understanding  of  my  hearers.  Ac- 


Young  Nuts  of  America  71 

cordingly,  stretching  myself  prone  on  my 
blanket,  with  my  pink  sofa  pillow  beneath 
my  head,  I  began  an  opening  sentence. 

Shortly  thereafter  I  must  have  drifted 
off;  for,  on  being  wakened  by  the  efforts  of 
an  ant  to  penetrate  my  inner  ear,  I  dis 
covered,  somewhat  to  my  disapproval  since 
there  had  been  no  order  to  this  effect,  that 
the  five  youngsters  had  divested  themselves 
of  their  outer  garbings  and  were  disporting 
themselves  in  the  lake — some  wading  near 
shore,  some  diving  headlong  from  a  fallen 
log  that  protruded  from  the  bank.  A  super 
ficial  scrutiny  of  their  movements  showed 
me  that,  though  all  were  capable  of  sustain 
ing  themselves  in  the  unstable  element, 
scarce  one  of  them  made  any  pretence  of 
following  out  the  evolutions  as  laid  down 
for  guidance  in  the  work  entitled  "Swim 
ming  in  Twenty  Easy  Lessons." 

Without  loss  of  time  I  repaired  to  the 
shelter  of  a  near-by  thicket,  where  I  re 
moved  my  costume  and  folded  it  neatly,  as 
is  my  wont,  and  swiftly  attired  myself  in 
a  new  bathing  suit.  In  another  moment  I 
had  mounted  the  fallen  log  and  was  advanc- 


12          Fibble,  D.  D. 

ing  toward  the  spot  where  they  were  splash 
ing  about. 

"Hold,  young  gentlemen — hold!"  I  called 
out,  at  the  same  time  halting  them  with  a 
wave  of  my  hand.  "Kindly  desist  and  give 
to  me  your  undivided  attention.  The 
method  employed  by  you  in  keeping  your 
persons  afloat  is,  as  I  note,  faulty  in  the 
extreme.  By  actual  demonstration  I  shall 
now  instruct  you  in  the  rudiments  of  this 
graceful  art." 

With  these  words,  I  advanced  another 
step  and  yet  another.  At  this  instant  my 
foot  slipped  on  the  rounded  surface  of  the 
recumbent  tree,  and  before  I  could  extend 
my  limbs  forth  and  arrange  them  in  the 
proper  attitude  for  making  the  first  stroke, 
in  fact  before  I  had  an  opportunity  for 
taking  any  precautionary  measures  what 
soever,  I  was  propelled  outward  and  down 
ward  upon  the  bosom  of  the  lake,  striking 
with  considerable  violence  on  my  lower 
diaphragm. 

To  my  astonishment,  I  might  even  say 
to  my  most  complete  astonishment,  I  went 
under  practically  instantaneously.  This 


Young  Nuts  of  America  73 

immediately  induced  a  sense  of  uneasiness, 
which  increased  to  actual  apprehension 
when  I  found  it  impossible  to  straighten 
myself  on  the  water  in  the  posture  illus 
trated  in  Diagram  A  in  the  first  lesson. 

Instinctively  I  felt  all  was  not  well  with 
me! 

With  a  view,  therefore,  to  securing  tem 
porary  assistance  until  I  could  collect  my 
self  and  regain  my  customary  calmness,  I 
opened  my  mouth  to  utter  certain  words; 
but,  instead  of  speech  issuing  forth,  a  con 
siderable  volume  of  water  poured  down 
my  throat,  producing  a  muffled,  gurgling 
sound.  From  this  point  on  my  apprehen 
sion  grew  perceptibly  until  I  grasped  the 
helping  hands  that  were  extended  to  me 
and,  after  a  few  struggles,  was,  by  the  aid  of 
those  chivalrous  youths,  drawn  in  a  weak 
and  temporarily  voiceless  condition  to 
safety  on  the  bank. 

There  for  some  time  I  was  content  to 
remain,  permitting  the  water  I  had  inad 
vertently  swallowed  to  pour  forth  from  my 
interior,  the  lads  continuing  to  frolic  about 
in  the  treacherous  lake  until  I  had  entirely 


74-          Fibble,  D.  D. 

recovered.  Thus  some  time  passed.  Fi 
nally,  summoning  them  to  me  I  stated  that 
the  first  swimming  lesson  was  herewith  sus 
pended  until  a  more  suitable  moment,  and 
gave  the  command  for  catching  a  number 
of  finny  beauties  for  our  evening  meal. 
This,  however,  was  rendered  impossible  by 
reason  of  our  having  no  fish-hooks  or  other 
suitable  appurtenances  for  catching  them. 
Really,  it  would  seem  that  for  the  simplest 
outing  an  almost  incalculable  number  and 
variety  of  accessories  are  needful! 

In  view  of  this  situation  I  promptly  de 
vised  an  altered  plan  of  campaign.  In 
wardly  I  had  already  gained  my  own  con 
sent  to  abandon  the  project  of  building  any 
lean-forwards  for  our  use  on  this  particu 
lar  occasion.  I  now  split  our  strength  into 
parties  of  equal  number  and,  detailing 
Masters  Ferguson  and  Horrigan  to  aid  me 
in  constructing  woodmen's  couches,  I  as 
signed  to  Masters  Pope,  E.  Smith  and  H. 
Smith  the  task  of  faring  forth  into  the  wil 
derness  that  encompassed  us  to  seek  the  wild 
fruit  and  to  kill,  as  painlessly  as  possible, 
sufficient  wild  game  for  our  next  repast. 


Young  Nuts  of  America  75 

At  the  same  time  I  warned  them,  above 
all  things,  to  avoid  destroying  the  feathered 
songsters.  Under  other  circumstances  I 
would  have  decried  slaughtering  any  living 
creatures  whatsoever;  but  in  the  existing 
emergency  a  certain  amount  of  carnage  ap 
peared  inevitable,  for,  as  I  said  to  them: 
"Must  we  not  eat?  Shall  we  not  obey  Na 
ture's  first  law?" 

To  bring  about  this  consummation  I  in 
trusted  to  Master  Pope  my  bow  and  sheath 
of  arrows,  instructing  him  verbally,  so  far 
as  I  remembered  it,  in  the  knowledge  of 
using  these  weapons,  as  contained  in  the 
manual  on  that  subject,  "Archery  in  All  Its 
Branches." 

With  merry  cries — for  the  spirits  of  these 
brave  lads  seemed  unquenchable — the  three 
huntsmen  moved  off  through  the  trees ;  and 
at  once  their  forms  were  lost  to  sight,  while 
I  gave  myself  over  to  superintending  the 
labours  of  my  chosen  aides  in  the  gathering 
of  boughs  of  the  fragrant  evergreen,  and  in 
arranging  this  material  at  equidistant  in 
tervals  about  our  camp-fire  site  so  as  to  form 
six  springy  couches.  As  completed,  these 


76          Fibble,  D.  D. 

couches  lacked  that  luxurious  appearance  I 
had  been  led  to  expect;  but  I  consoled  my 
self  with  the  reflection:  Pretty  is  as  pretty 
does! 

We  had  barely  concluded  our  labours 
when,  with  glad  halloos,  our  returning 
comrades  came  into  sight  bearing  the  spoils 
of  the  chase,  consisting  of  a  brace  of  large 
birds,  one  being  black  in  colour,  the  other 
white,  and  both  quite  dead.  At  once  I  was 
struck  by  the  resemblance  of  these  birds 
to  ordinary  barnyard  fowls,  but  Master 
Pope  explained  that  they  were  woodcock. 
His  uncle,  Mr.  H.  K.  Pope,  our  local 
poultry  dealer,  frequently  carried  such 
woodcock  in  stock,  he  said;  so  I  was  reas 
sured. 

Nor  was  this  all.  The  Masters  Smith  had 
picked  a  considerable  quantity  of  wild 
strawberries.  Theretofore  I  had  always 
supposed  that  wild  strawberries  were  small, 
but  these  berries  were  really  quite  large, 
some  being  as  large  as  the  adult  human 
thumb.  What  especially  attracted  my  at 
tention  was  the  receptacle  in  which  Master 
E.  Smith  bore  them,  it  being  of  rough,  dark 


Young  Nuts  of  America  77 

earthenware,  circular  in  pattern  and  plainly 
of  a  primitive  design. 

On  Master  Smith's  telling  me  that  he  had 
come  on  this  object  buried  in  the  woods,  I 
reached  the  conclusion  that  it  must  be  a 
relic  of  the  early  Mound  Builders,  those 
mysterious  people  who  in  prehistoric  times 
inhabited  this  our  continent. 

A  discovery  so  interesting  at  once  in 
duced  a  train  of  thought.  Seating  myself 
on  my  sofa  pillow,  I  bade  the  boys  gather 
about  me,  and  I  then  gave  an  impromptu 
discourse  on  the  subject  of  this  vanished 
race,  meantime  holding  in  my  hands  the 
earthenware  vessel  and  occasionally  ele 
vating  it  in  illustration  as  I  described  the 
customs  and  habits  of  the  Mound  Builders 
so  far  as  known. 

Thus  by  easy  stages  I  progressed  onward 
and  downward  through  the  ages  to  their 
successors  and  inheritors,  the  red  men,  or 
copper-coloured  aborigines,  formerly  so  nu 
merously  encountered  in  this  hemisphere, 
but  now  reduced  to  a  diminishing  remnant, 
sequestered  mainly  in  the  Far  West,  though 
with  small  reservations  yet  remaining,  I 


78          Fibble,  D.  D. 

believe,  in  certain  of  our  Eastern  States, 
notably  New  York  and  North  Carolina. 

With  his  large  blue  eyes  fixed  on  my  face 
Master  Pope  listened  with  the  utmost  grav 
ity  and  attention  to  my  remarks,  which  be 
haviour  was  in  contrast  to  that  of  his  four 
associates,  who  seemed  to  derive  food  for 
subdued  laughter  from  what  was  being  said. 
I  am  often  at  a  loss  to  fathom  the  causes 
which  originate  outbursts  of  levity  on  the 
part  of  our  growing  youth;  and  so  it  was  in 
this  instance. 

Carried  on  and  on  by  the  manifold  reflec 
tions  and  absorbing  interest  attached  to  my 
theme,  I  was  surprised  to  observe  that  the 
sun  had  declined  far  down  the  western  hori 
zon.  Rising  to  my  feet  with  some  difficulty, 
for  the  unwonted  exertions  of  the  day  had 
created  a  stiffness  of  the  limbs,  I  said,  in 
effect,  this : 

"And  now,  Young  Nuts  of  America — for 
.  here  in  the  remote  depths  of  the  woods,  far 
remote  from  any  human  habitation,  I  feel 
that  I  may  apply  to  one  and  all  the  secret 
appellation  we  chose  for  our  private  com 
munions — now,  my  Young  Nuts,  playtime 


Young  Nuts  of  America  79 

is  over  and  worktime  has  come.  See,  the 
hour  of  evening  draws  on  apace.  Night  im 
pends,  or  will  indubitably  do  so  shortly. 
In  anticipation  of  our  first  night  spent  be 
neath  the  starry  stars,  with  only  Heaven's 
blue  vault  for  a  canopy,  let  us  forget  the 
petty  annoyances  which  have  in  a  measure 
marred  our  first  day.  Did  I  say  marred? 
No;  not  that — for  these  things  should  be 
but  object  lessons  teaching  us  to  profit  by 
them,  to  perfect  ourselves  in  woodcraft 
So  let  us  be  merry,  care-free  and  bright. 

"If  you  will  but  replenish  our  camp  fire 
I,  for  my  part,  shall  take  one  of  these  plump 
wild  fowl,  or  woodcock,  which  have  fallen 
before  the  prowess  of  our  doughty  hunts 
man  and  fellow  member,  Master  Pope,  and, 
without  the  use  of  pot  or  pan,  shall  prepare 
for  you  a  true  wildwood  dish,  of  the  most 
delicious  and  delicate  character  imaginable. 
So,  fall  to,  Young  Nuts  of  America — fall 
to  with  a  will — and  that  right  gladly!" 

Leaving  them  to  their  employment,  I  re 
paired  to  the  shore  of  the  lake  and,  after 
mastering  a  somewhat  natural  repugnance, 
I  made  with  my  hands  a  mortar  or  paste  of 


80          Fibble,  D.  D. 

thick  clay,  in  which  I  encased  the  black 
woodcock.  Try  as  I  might,  though,  I  could 
not  give  to  the  object  thus  treated  a  graceful 
or  finished  appearance.  Finally,  despairing 
of  producing  in  it  an  outward  semblance  of 
tidiness,  I  returned  to  the  camp  fire,  placed 
the  completed  product  in  the  heart  of  the 
flames,  and  retired  a  few  feet  to  await  its 
completion. 

In  twenty  minutes  I  judged  the  food 
should  be  quite  done,  but  retaining  withal 
its  natural  savours  and  juices :  so  at  the  expi 
ration  of  that  time,  by  using  a  stick  I  drew 
it  forth  from  its  fiery  bed  and,  when  the 
mass  had  sufficiently  cooled,  broke  away 
the  earthen  covering,  while  about  me  my 
young  compatriots  clustered  in  eager  an 
ticipation. 

For  the  reader's  sake,  and  for  my  own  as 
well,  I  shall  pass  hurriedly  over  the  denoue 
ment.  Suffice  it  to  say,  either  the  clay  used 
by  me  had  not  been  of  the  proper  consist 
ency  or  this  species  of  woodcock  was  not 
adapted  by  nature  for  being  cooked  after 
this  fashion.  None  of  us — not  even  Master 
E.  Smith,  in  whom  I  had  previously  re- 


Young  Nuts  of  America  81 

marked  an  unfailing  appetite — cared  to  in 
dulge  in  the  dish.  Indeed,  it  was  not  until 
I  had  removed  the  unsightly  and  gruesome 
object — these  are  the  only  adjectives  that 
properly  describe  it — to  a  point  consider 
ably  remote  from  our  camping  place  that  I 
deemed  myself  to  be  sufficiently  revived  to 
join  the  others  in  a  frugal  supper  consist 
ing  of  the  remaining  sandwiches  and  a  slice 
apiece  of  lemon-jelly  cake. 

The  meal,  simple  though  it  was,  pro 
gressed  slowly  by  reason  of  the  frequent 
presence  of  ants  in  the  viands — principally 
small  black  ants  of  a  lively  disposition, 
though  some  large  black  ants  were  also 
observed.  Again,  at  the  conclusion  of  the 
supper,  my  thoughts  turned  with  intense 
longing  to  tea. 

It  had  been  contemplated  that  the  eve 
ning  should  be  spent  in  a  ring  about 
our  camp  fire,  singing  songs  and  glees  and 
old  familiar  melodies;  but  the  oncoming 
of  darkness  dispelled  in  me  all  desire  to  up 
lift  the  voice  in  melodious  outpourings.  The 
thickening  of  the  shadows  along  the  turf, 
the  spectral  gleaming  of  the  lake  between 


82          Fibble,  D.  D. 

the  trunks  of  the  intervening  trees,  the 
multiplying  of  mysterious  and  disquieting 
night  noises,  the  realisation  that  we  were 
isolated  in  the  depths  of  the  forest — all 
these  things  had  a  dispiriting  influence  on 
my  thoughts. 

In  addition,  the  mosquitoes  proved  ex 
ceedingly  pernicious  in  their  activities  and 
in  their  numbers  as  well.  The  cool  of  the 
evening  appeared  but  to  give  zest  and  alac 
rity  to  their  onslaughts.  Under  their  at 
tacks  my  companions  bore  up  blithely — in 
sooth,  I  have  naught  but  admiration  for  the 
commendable  fortitude  displayed  by  those 
gallant  youths  throughout — but  I  suffered 
greatly  in  various  parts  of  my  anatomy, 
notably  my  face,  neck,  hands  and  knees. 

In  the  absence  of  authoritative  informa 
tion  on  the  subject  I  hesitate  to  commit  my 
self  firmly  to  the  definite  assertion,  but  I 
feel  warranted  in  the  assumption  that  there 
can  be  no  mosquitoes  in  the  Tyrol,  else  the 
Tyrolese,  albeit  a  hardy  race,  would  as 
suredly  have  modified  their  tribal  dress  in 
such  a  way  so  as  to  extend  the  stockings  up 
higher  or  the  trousers  down  lower. 


Young  Nuts  of  America  83 

Even  at  the  risk  of  destroying  the  his 
torical  verities,  I  now  regretted  exceedingly 
that  I  had  not  of  my  own  initiative  altered 
my  costume  in  such  a  way  as  to  better 
protect  the  joints  of  the  knees. 

At  a  comparatively  early  hour  I  gave  the 
signal  for  retiring  and  each  one  sought  his 
couch  of  fragrant  balsam.  After  exchang 
ing  boyish  confidences  in  half-whispered 
undertones  for  some  time,  and  occasionally 
breaking  forth  into  smothered  fits  of  laugh 
ter,  my  followers  presently  slept. 

My  own  rest,  however,  was  of  a  most 
broken  and  fragmentary  character.  A  va 
riety  of  reasons  contributed  to  this:  the 
chill;  the  sense  of  loneliness  and,  as  it  were, 
of  aloofness;  the  mosquitoes,  which  con 
tinued  tp  hold,  as  the  saying  goes,  high  car 
nival;  the  lack  of  suitable  food;  my  depres 
sion  of  spirit;  and  my  bodily  discomforts 
— to  cite  a  few  of  the  principal  causes. 

In  addition  to  being  racked  in  practically 
all  of  my  various  members,  blistered  as  to 
hands  and  feet,  and  having  a  very  painful 
scratch  on  my  nose,  I  was  exceedingly  sun 
burned.  I  failed  to  mention  this  detail 


84          Fibble,  D.  D. 

earlier.  I  am  naturally  of  a  light,  not  to 
say  fair,  complexion,  and  the  walk  of  the 
morning  had  caused  my  skin  to  redden  and 
smart  to  a  more  excruciating  extent  than  I 
remember  to  have  ever  been  the  case  on  any 
similar  occasion. 

I  am  forced  to  the  conclusion  that  the 
pleasure  to  be  derived  from  sleeping  on  a 
bed  of  spruce  or  hemlock  boughs  has  been 
greatly  overestimated  by  those  who  have 
written  and  spoken  with  such  enthusiasm 
on  the  topic.  To  me  the  prickly,  scratchy 
sensation  imparted  by  contact  with  the  ever 
green  was  such  as  to  counterbalance  the  de 
lights  of  inhaling  its  tonic  and  balsamic  fra 
grance. 

Likewise,  until  a  late  hour  my  blanket 
kept  slipping  or  sliding  off  my  recumbent 
form,  exposing  me  to  the  rigors  of  the  night 
wind.  No  sooner  did  I  draw  it  snugly  about 
my  shivering  form  than  it  would  crawl — 
crawl  is  exactly  the  word — it  would  crawl 
off  again.  Finally,  in  feeling  about  to  ascer 
tain  if  possible  the  reason  for  this,  my  fin 
gers  encountered  a  long  string,  which  was 


Young  Nuts  of  America  85 

securely  affixed  to  a  lower  corner  of  my 
covering. 

In  the  morning,  on  my  mentioning  this 
curious  circumstance,  Master  Pope  spoke 
up  and  informed  me  that,  being  roused  dur 
ing  the  night  and  noting  that  I  was  experi 
encing  great  difficulty  in  keeping  properly 
covered,  he  had  quietly  affixed  a  string  to  a 
lower  corner  of  the  blanket  in  the  hope  of 
anchoring  it  the  more  firmly  in  position. 
More  than  ever  my  soul  went  out  to  him  in 
gratitude  for  the  thoughtfulness  of  his  act, 
even  though  it  had  failed  of  its  desired 
effect. 

Overborne  and  spent  with  sheer  weari 
ness  I  must  have  dropped  off  finally;  prob 
ably  I  slept  for  some  hours.  Shortly  before 
the  dawning  I  wakened  with  a  start  and 
sat  up,  then  instantly  laid  myself  down 
again  and  at  the  same  time  placed  my 
hands  on  my  bosom  to  stay  the  rapid  beat 
ing  of  my  heart;  for  I  had  become  instantly 
aware  of  the  immediate  proximity  of  some 
large  creature.  There  was  a  rustling  of  the 
bushes,  the  sound  drawing  ever  nearer  and 
nearer;  there  was  a  sniffing  noise,  fre- 


86          Fibble,  D.  D. 

quently  increasing  to  a  snort.  With  my 
eyes  above  the  upper  hem  of  my  blanket  I 
strained  my  vision  in  the  direction  from 
which  the  disturbance  proceeded.  To  my 
agitation  I  perceived  in  the  greyish  gloom 
a  large,  slowly  shifting  black  bulk,  distant 
but  a  few  paces  from  me.  Naturally,  I 
thought  of  bears. 

In  this  emergency  I  may  say,  in  all 
modesty,  that  I  retained  my  entire  self- 
possession.  Extending  wide  my  arms  in  a 
threatening  gesture  I  uttered  the  first 
exclamation  that  entered  my  mind.  In  a 
tense  but  intimidating  tone  of  voice  I  said, 
"Shoo!  Shoo!"  repeating  the  ejaculation 
with  emphasis  until,  to  my  relief,  the 
creature  moved  off  into  the  thickets  and 
came  no  more,  being  daunted,  doubtless, 
by  my  aggressive  and  determined  mien. 

For  reasons  I  deemed  amply  sufficient 
I  did  not  rise  to  hasten  the  retreat  of  the 
invading  beast,  nor  did  I  waken  my  slum 
bering  young  companions.  I  reflected  that, 
as  their  guide  and  protector,  it  was  my  duty 
to  spare  them  all  possible  uneasiness.  In 
spired  by  this  thought,  therefore,  I  made 


Young  Nuts  of  America  87 

no  subsequent  mention  of  the  adventure; 
but  on  undertaking  a  private  investigation 
some  time  after  daylight  I  found  the  re 
maining  wild  strawberries  were  all  gone; 
the  receptacle  that  had  contained  them  lay 
overturned  and  empty  on  the  ground. 

Recalling  then  that  bears  are  reputed  to 
be  excessively  fond  of  sweet  things  I  put 
two  and  two  together  and  by  this  deductive 
process  I  confirmed  my  earlier  suspicions. 
It  had  indeed  been  a  bear!  And  what,  but 
for  my  presence  of  mind,  might  have  been 
the  dire  results?  I  could  with  difficulty 
repress  a  shudder.  But  I  anticipate  myself 
by  some  hours.  We  will  go  back  to  the 
time  of  the  nocturnal,  or  perhaps  I  should 
say  prematutinal,  visitation. 

Made  abnormally  wakeful  by  that  which 
had  just  occurred,  I  remained  for  a  consid 
erable  time  retired  well  down  under  the  cov 
ering  as  regards  my  person,  but  with  my 
eyes  open  and  every  sense  on  the  alert. 
Eventually,  however,  my  vigilance  relaxed 
and  I  seemed  to  drift  off;  and  I  remained 
wrapped  in  fitful  slumber  until  rewakened 
by  a  persistent  pattering  on  my  blanket.  It 


Fibble,  D.  D. 


would  appear  that  for  some  time  past  rain 
had  been  falling.  I  was  quite  damp  and 
my  limbs  were  much  chilled,  and  I  had  al 
ready  begun  to  develop  certain  unfailing 
signs  of  a  severe  cold  in  the  head — a  malady 
to  which  I  am  subject. 

The  rain  soon  ceased,  however;  and, 
beyond  confirming  the  evidence  of  the 
bear's  visit  as  just  stated,  nothing  further 
marked  our  rising  except  my  discovery 
that  in  tossing  about  during  the  night  I  had 
broken  both  the  crystals  of  my  eyeglasses. 

Breakfast  was  far,  oh!  far  from  being  a 
cheerful  meal,  consisting  as  it  did  of  water 
from  the  lake  and  the  crumbled,  ant-ridden 
fragments  of  the  lemon-jelly  layer  cake. 
Once  more  the  thought  of  a  steaming  hot 
cup  of  tea  came  to  me  with  compelling 
insistency,  provoking  an  almost  overpower 
ing  longing  for  the  comforts  of  some  roofed 
and  walled  domicile,  howsoever  humble. 
I  shall  not  deny  that  at  this  moment  the 
appurtenances  and  conveniences  of  modern 
civilisation  appealed  to  me  with  an  intensity 
hard  to  describe  in  language. 

Moreover,  I  was  forced  to  the  conclusion 


Young  Nuts  of  America  89 

that,  because  of  circumstances  over  which 
we  had  no  control,  our  outing  thus  far  had 
in  a  number  of  its  most  material  aspects 
been  far  from  an  unqualified  triumph. 

Yet  so  well  did  I  conceal  my  innermost 
sentiments  from  my  juvenile  companions 
that  soon,  in  response  to  my  smiling  looks 
and  apt  remarks,  they  were  crying  out  with 
laughter — indeed,  responding  with  resound 
ing  guffaws  to  my  every  sally.  When  I  tell 
you  my  countenance  was  quite  covered 
over  with  blisters,  where  not  disfigured  by 
the  welts  inflicted  by  the  venomed  darts  of 
the  mosquitoes,  you  will  perhaps  more 
readily  understand  what  these  efforts  to 
assume  a  buoyant  bearing  and  a  happy  ex 
pression  cost  me. 

Shortly  after  finishing  the  last  of  the 
lemon-jelly  cake  the  five  youngsters  mani 
fested  an  inclination  to  fare  away  into  the 
forest  on  a  joint  journey  of  exploration. 
I  did  not  seek  to  dissuade  them — rather,  I 
encouraged  them  and  by  all  the  means  in 
my  power  expedited  their  departure;  for, 
in  truth,  I  longed  for  a  time  to  be  alone. 
I  hoped,  in  the  silence  and  solitude  of  these 


90          Fibble,  D.  D. 

trackless  wilds,  to  formulate  suitable  and 
reasonable  excuses  for  cutting  our  outing 
short  and  returning  before  nightfall  to  the 
several  places  of  our  habitation,  there  at 
our  leisure  to  plan  another  expedition  under 
what,  I  fondly  trusted,  would  be  more  fa 
vourable  auspices. 

Furthermore,  I  sought  an  opportunity 
for  taking  in  privacy  an  extensive  swim 
ming  lesson.  Since  the  afternoon  before 
I  had  felt  my  technic  in  swimming  was 
deficient,  and  I  was  determined  to  perse 
vere  in  rehearsals  of  the  various  evolutions 
until  I  had  become  letter  perfect.  Lastly, 
I  desired  to  give  my  cold  a  treatment  in 
accordance  with  an  expedient  that  had  just 
occurred  to  me. 

No  sooner  had  the  lads  scampered  away, 
making  the  vast  grove  ring  amain  to  their 
acclaims,  than  I  began  my  preparations. 
Ordinarily,  when  afflicted  by  a  catarrhal 
visitation,  it  is  my  habit  to  use  for  allevia 
tion  cubeb  cigarettes.  Having  none  of  these 
about  me  and  having  in  some  way  mislaid 
my  sole  pocket  handkerchief,  I  now  hoped 
to  check  the  streaming  eyes — and  nose — and 


Young  Nuts  of  America  91 

soothe  the  other  symptoms  of  the  complaint 
by  inhaling  the  aromatic  smoke  of  burning 
balsam. 

I  placed  many  sprigs  of  cedar  on  the 
camp  fire.  Immediately  a  thick,  black  cloud 
rose.  A  short  distance  away,  on  a  flat  stretch 
of  turf,  I  spread  my  blanket,  placing  in  the 
centre  of  it  my  pink  sofa  pillow.  Midway 
between  fire  and  blanket  I  deposited  the 
earthen  relic  that  had  contained  the  wild 
strawberries,  having  previously  filled  it  with 
water  from  the  lake.  I  state  these  things 
circumstantially  because  all  this  has  a  bear 
ing  on  what  was  shortly  to  ensue. 

All  things  being  arranged  to  my  satis 
faction,  I  proceeded  to  go  through  the  fol 
lowing  routine:  First,  stretching  myself 
prostrate  and  face  downward  on  the  blanket, 
with  the  central  portion  of  my  person  rest 
ing  on  the  sofa  pillow  as  a  partial  prop  or 
support,  I  would  count  aloud  "One — two — 
three — go!"  and  then  perform  the  indicated 
movements  of  Swimming  Lesson  Number 
One,  striking  out  simultaneously  with  my 
arms  and  lower  limbs. 

When  wearied  by  these  exertions  I  would 


92          Fibble,  D.  D. 

rise,  and  visiting  the  fire  would  bend  for 
ward  over  it,  inhaling  the  fumes  and  va 
pours  until  suffocation  was  imminent,  anon 
returning  to  the  blanket  to  resume  my  swim 
ming  exercises;  but  in  going  and  in  coming 
I  would  halt  to  lave  my  face,  hands  and 
knees  in  the  cooling  water  contained  in  the 
receptacle. 

I  imagine,  without  knowing  definitely, 
that  I  had  been  engaged  in  these  occupa 
tions  for  perhaps  half  an  hour,  and  felt  that 
I  had  made  commendable  progress  in  my 
swimming.  At  a  moment  when  I  was  ex 
tended  prone  on  the  blanket,  counting  rap 
idly  as  I  mastered  the  breast  stroke,  that 
subtle,  subconscious  instinct  possessed  by 
all  higher  and  more  sensitive  organisms 
suddenly  warned  me  that  I  was  no  longer 
alone — that  alien  eyes  were  bent  on  me. 

Suspending  my  movements  I  reared  my 
self  on  my  knees  and  peered  about  me  this 
way  and  that.  Immediately  an  irrepressible 
tremor  ran  through  my  system.  Directly 
behind  me,  armed  with  a  dangerous  pitch 
fork  and  maintaining  an  attitude  combining 
at  once  defence  and  attack,  was  a  large,  el- 


Young  Nuts  of  America  93 

derly,  whiskered  man,  roughly  dressed  and 
of  a  most  disagreeable  cast  of  countenance. 

At  the  same  moment  I  observed,  stealing 
softly  on  me  from  an  opposite  direction,  a 
younger  man  of  equally  formidable  aspect; 
and,  to  judge  by  certain  of  his  facial  attri 
butes,  the  son  of  the  first  intruder.  I  short 
ly  afterward  ascertained  that  they  were  in 
deed  father  and  offspring.  The  younger 
marauder  bore  a  large,  jagged  club  and  car 
ried  a  rope  coiled  over  his  arm. 

I  will  not  deny  that  trepidation  beset  me. 
What  meant  the  presence  of  this  menacing 
pair  here  in  the  heart  of  the  forest?  What 
meant  their  stealthy  advance,  their  weap 
ons,  their  wild  looks,  their  uncouth  appear 
ance?  Assuredly  these  boded  ill.  Perhaps 
they  were  robbers,  outlaws,  felons,  contem 
plating  overt  acts  on  my  life,  limbs  and 
property!  Perhaps  they  were  escaped 
maniacs!  With  a  sinking  of  the  heart  I  re 
called  having  heard  that  the  Branch  State 
Asylum  for  the  Insane  was  situate  but  a 
few  short  miles  distant  from  Hatchersville! 

It  may  have  been  that  my  cheeks  paled, 
and  when  I  spoke  my  voice  perchance  quiv- 


94          Fibble,  D.  D. 

ered;  but  I  trust  that  in  all  other  respects 
my  demeanour  in  that  trying  moment  was 
calm,  cool  and  collected.  I  meant  to  tem 
porise  with  these  intruders — to  soften  their 
rough  spirits  by  sweetness  and  gentleness  of 
demeanour. 

"Good  morning!"  I  said  in  an  affable 
and  friendly  tone,  bowing  first  to  one  and 
then  to  the  other.  "Is  it  not,  on  the  whole, 
a  pleasant  morning  after  the  refreshing 
showers  that  have  fallen?" 

Instead  of  responding  in  kind  to  my 
placating  overtures,  the  attitude  of  the 
whiskered  man  became  more  threatening 
than  ever.  He  took  several  steps  forward, 
holding  his  pitchfork  before  him,  tines  pre 
sented,  until  he  loomed  almost  above  my 
kneeling  form;  and  he  then  hailed  his  ac 
complice,  saying,  as  nearly  as  I  recall  his 
language : 

"Come  on,  son!  WeVe  got  him  sur 
rounded!  He  can't  git  away  now!  He's 
our  meat!" 

My  heart  now  sank  until  it  could  sink 
no  more.  I  was  palpitant  with  apprehen 
sion,  as  who  similarly  placed  would  not  have 


UNTIL  HE  LOOMED  ALMOST  ABOVE  MY  KNEELING  FORM 


Young  Nuts  of  America  95 

been?  Their  meat!  The  meaning  of  the 
sinister  phrase  was  unmistakable.  These 
must  indeed  be  maniacs  of  a  most  danger 
ous  type! 

"Young  feller,"  continued  the  elderly 
man,  fixing  his  glaring  eyes  full  on  me,  "be 
fore  we  go  any  farther  with  this  little  job, 
would  you  mind  tellin'  me,  jest  for  curiosity, 
whut  you  was  doin'  jest  now  down  on  that 
there  sofa  pillow?" 

In  this  matter,  at  least,  I  could  have  no 
wish  or  intent  to  deceive  him. 

"Sir,  I  was  taking  a  swimming  lesson," 
I  said  with  simple  courtesy. 

"A  which?"  he  said  as  though  not  hear 
ing  me  aright. 

"A  swimming  lesson,"  I  repeated  plainly, 
or  as  plainly  as  I  could  considering  my  agi 
tation  and  the  fact  that  the  cold  in  my  head 
had  noticeably  thickened  my  utterance, 
making  it  well-nigh  impossible  for  me  to 
give  the  proper  inflection  to  certain  of  the 
aspirates  and  penultimates. 

"Oh,  yes,"  he  said;  "I  see — a — a — 
swimming  lesson.  Well,  that  certainly  is  a 
mighty  cute  idee." 


96          Fibble,  D.  D. 

"I  am  glad  you  agree  with  me,"  I  said. 
"And  now,  my  good  fellows,  if  you  have 
any  business  of  your  own  to  attend  to — 
elsewhere — I  should  be  more  than  pleased 
if  you  proceeded  on  your  way  and  left  me 
undisturbed.  I  have  much  to  engage  my 
mind  at  present,  as  you  may  have  noted." 

"Oh,  there  ain't  no  hurry,"  he  said.  "I 
rigger  we'll  all  be  goin'  away  from  here 
purty  soon." 

At  this  moment  the  son  checked  his  ad 
vance  and,  stooping,  raised  aloft  the  same 
earthenware  vessel  of  which  repeated  men 
tion  has  heretofore  been  made. 

"Here  she  is,  all  right,  dad!"  was  his 
cryptic  statement.  "I  guess  we  never  made 
no  mistake  in  comin'  here." 

The  father  then  addressed  me. 

"Mister,"  he  said,  "mout  I  enquire  where 
you  got  that  there  crock?" 

"That,  my  good  sir,"  I  informed  him, 
"is  not  a  crock.  It  is  a  Mound  Builder's 
relic,  unearthed  but  yesterday  in  the  forest 
primeval." 

"In  the  forest  which?" 

"The  forest  primeval,"  I  enunciated  with 


Young  Nuts  of  ^America  97 

all  the  distinctness  of  which  I  was  capable. 

"And  whut,  if  anything  have  you  been 
doin'  with  it  beside  anointin'  them  features 
of  yourn  in  it?"  Again  it  was  the  father 
who  spoke. 

"It  formerly  contained  wild  strawber 
ries,"  I  answered,  "some  of  which  were  con 
sumed  for  food,  and  the  rest  of  which  were 
carried  away  under  cover  of  nightfall  by  a 
bear." 

He  stared  at  me. 

"A  bear?"  he  reiterated  blankly. 

"Certainly,"  I  said;  "undoubtedly  a  bear 
— I  myself  saw  it.  A  large,  dark  bear." 

"And  whut  about  this  here?"  he  con 
tinued,  now  beholding  for  the  first  time  the 
remaining  woodcock,  which  hung  from  the 
limb  of  a  low  tree,  and  pointing  toward  it. 
"Is  that  there  a  Mound  Builder's  chicken?" 

"Assuredly  not,"  I  said.  "That  is  a  white 
woodcock.  There  was  also  a  black  wood 
cock,  presumably  a  mate  of  this  one;  but 
it — it  has  been  disposed  of.  The  pair  were 
slain  yesterday  with  bow  and  arrow  in  the 
adjacent  depths  of  the  woodland,  which  is 
their  customary  habitat." 


98          Fibble,  D.  D. 

You  will  note  that  I  constantly  refrained 
from  mentioning  my  youthful  compatriots. 
Did  I  dare  reveal  that  I  had  companions, 
and  by  so  doing  expose  those  helpless  lads 
to  the  unbridled  fury  of  these  maniacal 
beings,  filled  with  the  low  cunning  and 
insatiable  curiosity  of  the  insane?  No;  a 
thousand  times,  no!  Rather  would  I  perish 
first.  At  all  hazards  I  would  protect  them 
— such  was  my  instantaneous  determination. 

"I  git  you,"  replied  the  bearded  man, 
his  tone  and  manner  changing  abruptly 
'from  the  truculent  and  threatening  to  the 
soothing.  "You  was  takin'  a  private  lesson 
in  plain  and  fancy  swimmin'  on  a  pink  sofa 
cushion ;  and  that  there  ancient  and  honour 
able  milk  crock  was  willed  to  you  by  the 
Mound-buildin'  Aztecs;  and  a  big  bear 
come  in  the  night  and  et  up  your  wild 
strawberries — which  was  a  great  pity,  too, 
seein'  they're  worth  thirty  cents  a  quart 
right  this  minute  on  the  New  York  market; 
and  you  killed  them  two  pedigreed  Leghorn 
woodcocks  with  a  bow  and  arrows  in  the 
forest — the  forest  whutever  you  jest  now 
called  it.  Jest  whut  are  you,  anyway?" 


Young  Nuts  of  America  99 

"By  profession  I  am  a  clergyman,"  I  an 
swered. 

"And  do  all  the  members  of  your  per 
suasion  wear  them  little  sailor  suits  or 
is  it  confined  to  the  preachers  only?"  he  de 
manded. 

I  gathered  that  this  coarse  reference 
applied  to  my  attire. 

"This,"  I  told  him,  "is  the  uniform  or 
garb  of  an  organisation  known  as  the 
Young  Nuts  of  America.  I  am  the  Chief 
Nut." 

"I  can't  take  issue  with  you  here,"  he  said 
with  a  raucous  laugh.  "And  now,  Chief, 
jest  one  thing  more:  Would  you  mind  tell- 
in'  us  whut  your  aim  was  in  holdin'  your 
nose  over  that  there  brush  fire  a  bit  ago?" 

"My  head  has  been  giving  me  some 
trouble,"  I  said.  "I  was  curing  myself  with 
the  aid  of  the  smoke." 

"One  minute  a  nut  and  the  next  minute 
a  ham,"  he  murmured,  half  to  himself. 
Dropping  his  pitchfork,  he  stretched  his 
hands  toward  me.  "I  s'pose,"  he  added, 
"it  ain't  no  use  to  ask  you  when  you  got 
out?" 


100         Fibble,  D.  D. 

In  a  flash  it  came  to  me — I  had  often 
read  that  the  victims  of  a  certain  form  of 
mania  imagined  all  others  to  be  insane.  My 
plain  and  straightforward  answers  to  his 
vague  and  rambling  interrogations  had 
failed  of  the  desired  effect.  Being  them 
selves  mad,  they  thought  me  mad.  It  was 
a  horrifying  situation. 

I  rose  to  my  feet — I  had  been  kneeling 
throughout  this  extraordinary  interview — 
with  a  confused  thought  of  eluding  their 
clutches  and  fleeing  from  them.  In  imag 
ination  I  already  saw  my  murdered  form 
hidden  in  the  trackless  wilds. 

"No,  you  don't!"  exclaimed  the  whisk 
ered  man,  placing  violent  and  detaining 
hands  on  me.  "That's  all  right,"  he  con 
tinued,  as  the  son  closed  in  on  me:  "I  kin 
handle  the  little  killdee  by  myself.  .  .  . 
Now,  sonny,"  he  went  on,  again  directing 
himself  to  me  as  I  struggled  and  writhed, 
helpless  in  his  grasp,  "you  come  along 
with  me!" 

"Hold  on!"  called  the  son.  "There's  a 
lot  of  other  stuff  here — blankets  and  truck. 
He's  been  makin'  quite  a  collection." 


Young  Nuts  of  America  101 

"Never  mind,"  bade  his  parent,  roughly 
turning  me  about  and  from  behind  pro 
pelling  my  resisting  form  violently  forward. 
"I  reckin  they  was  gifts  from  the  Mound 
Builders,  too.  We'll  come  back  later  on  and 
sort  out  the  plunder." 

As  I  was  shoved  along  I  endeavoured  to 
explain.  I  exclaimed;  I  cried  out;  I  en 
treated  them  to  stop  and  to  hearken.  My 
pleadings  were  of  no  avail  and,  I  am  con 
strained  to  believe,  would  have  been  of  no 
avail  even  had  not  distress  and  agitation 
rendered  me  to  an  extent  incoherent.  My 
abductors  only  urged  me  onward  through 
the  woods  at  great  speed. 

"Gee!  Hear  him  rave,  dad!"  I  heard  the 
son  pant  from  behind  me. 

Merciful  Providence!  Now  their  warped 
and  perverted  mentalities  translated  my 
speech  into  ravings! 

Almost  immediately,  as  it  seemed  to  me, 
we  emerged  from  the  forest  into  a  ploughed 
field;  and  but  a  short  distance  away  I  be 
held  a  human  domicile — in  short,  a  farm 
house.  Filled  with  sudden  relief  when  I 
realised  that  a  civilised  habitation  stood 


102         Fibble,  D.  D. 

in  such  hitherto  unsuspected  proximity  to 
our  late  camping  place,  and  instantly  pos 
sessed  with  a  great  and  uncontrollable  crav 
ing  to  reach  this  haven  of  refuge  and  claim 
the  protection  of  its  inhabitants,  I  wrested 
myself  free  from  the  bearded  man  with 
one  mighty  effort,  leaving  my  flowing  collar 
in  his  hands,  and  at  top  speed  set  off  across 
the  field,  crying  out  as  I  ran:  "Help! 
Help!  Succour!  Assistance!"  or  words  to 
that  effect. 

My  flight  continued  but  a  few  yards.  I 
was  overtaken  and  felled  to  the  earth,  my 
captors  thereupon  taking  steps  to  effectu 
ally  restrain  me  in  the  free  exercise  of 
my  limbs  and  bodily  movements.  This 
being  one  of  the  most  acutely  distressing 
features  of  the  entire  experience  I  shall 
forego  further  details,  merely  stating  that 
they  used  a  rope. 

It  was  at  this  juncture  that  the  powers 
of  connected  thought  and  lucid  speech  de 
serted  me.  I  retain  an  indistinct  recol 
lection  of  being  borne  bodily  into  a  farm 
dwelling,  of  being  confronted  by  a  gaunt 
female  who,  disregarding  my  frantic  efforts 


Young  Nuts  of  America  103 

to  explain  all,  persisted  in  listening  only  to 
the  rambling  accounts  of  my  abductors, 
and  who,  on  hearing  from  them  their  con 
fused  version  of  what  had  transpired,  re 
treated  to  a  distance  and  refused  to  venture 
nearer  until  my  bonds  had  been  reinforced 
with  a  strap. 

Following  this  I  recall  vaguely  being 
given  to  drink  of  a  glass  containing  milk — 
milk  of  a  most  peculiar  odour  and  pungent 
taste.  Plainly  this  milk  had  been  drugged ; 
for  though  in  my  then  state  of  mind  I  was 
already  bordering  on  delirium,  yet  an  in 
stant  after  swallowing  the  draught  my 
faculties  were  miraculously  restored  to  me. 
I  spoke  rationally — indeed,  convincingly; 
but,  owing  to  an  unaccountable  swelling  of 
my  tongue,  due  no  doubt  to  the  effects  of 
the  drug,  my  remarks  to  the  biased  ears  of 
those  about  me  must  have  sounded  inartic 
ulate,  not  to  say  incoherent.  However,  I 
persisted  in  my  efforts  to  be  understood  un 
til  dizziness  and  a  great  languor  overcame 
me  entirely. 

A  blank  ensued — I  must  have  swooned. 

I  shall  now  draw  this  painful  narrative  to 


104         Fibble,  D.  D. 

a  close,  dismissing  with  merely  a  few  lines 
those  facts  that  in  a  garbled  form  have  al 
ready  reached  the  public  eye  through  the 
medium  of  a  ribald  and  disrespectful  press 
— how  my  youthful  companions,  returning 
betimes  to  our  camping  place  and  finding 
me  gone,  and  finding  also  abundant  signs  of 
a  desperate  struggle,  hastened  straightway 
to  return  home  by  the  first  train  to  spread 
the  tidings  that  I  had  been  kidnapped;  how 
search  was  at  once  instituted ;  how,  late  that 
same  evening,  after  running  down  various 
vain  clues,  my  superior,  the  Reverend  Doc 
tor  Tubley,  arrived  at  Hatchersville  aboard 
a  special  train,  accompanied  by  a  volunteer 
posse  of  his  parishioners  and  other  citizens 
and  rescued  me,  semi-delirious  and  still  fet 
tered,  as  my  captors  were  on  the  point  of 
removing  me,  a  close  prisoner,  to  the  Branch 
State  Asylum  for  the  Insane  at  Pottsburg, 
twenty  miles  distant,  in  the  deluded  expec 
tation  of  securing  a  reward  for  my  appre 
hension;  of  how  explanations  were  vouch 
safed,  showing  that  while  I,  with  utter  jus 
tification,  had  regarded  them  as  lunatics, 


Young  Nuts  of  America  105 

they,  in  their  ignorance  and  folly,  had,  on 
the  other  hand,  regarded  me  as  being  men 
tally  afflicted;  and  how  finally,  being  re 
moved  by  careful  hands  to  my  place  of  resi 
dence,  I  remained  a  constant  invalid,  in 
great  mental  and  bodily  distress,  for  a  pe 
riod  of  above  a  fortnight. 

As  is  well  known,  my  first  act  on  being 
restored  to  health  was  to  resign  the  assist 
ant  rectorship  of  St.  Barnabas'.  And  hav 
ing  meantime  been  offered  the  chair  of 
history  and  astronomy  at  Fernbridge  Semi 
nary  for  Young  Ladies  at  Lover's  Leap  in 
the  State  of  New  Jersey  I  have  accepted  and 
am  departing  on  the  morrow  for  my  new 
post,  trusting,  in  the  classic  shades  and  con 
genial  atmosphere  of  that  well-established 
academy  of  learning,  to  forget  the  unhappy 
memories  now  indissolubly  associated  in  my 
mind  with  the  first  and  last  camping  expe 
dition  of  the  Young  Nuts  of  America. 

I  close  with  an  added  word  of  gratitude 
and  affection  for  those  five  gallant  lads, 
Masters  Horrigan,  Pope,  Ferguson,  E. 
Smith  and  H.  Smith — but  particularly  Mas- 


106         fibble,  D.  D. 

ter  Pope,  to  whom  I  feel  I  indeed  owe 
much. 

(Signed)  Very  respectfully, 

ROSCOE  TlTMARSH  FlBBLE,  D.D. 


Fibble,  D.D. 


PART  TWO 


Being  an  Open  Letter  Addressed  by  Dr.  Fibble  to 
One  Sitting  in  a  High  Place. 


Fibble,  D.  D. 


Elsewhere  in  France 

To  His  Excellency  the  Honourable  Wood- 
row  Wilson,  President  of  the  United 
States  of  America,  White  House,  Wash- 
ington,  D.  C.,  U.  S.  A. 

RESPECTED  SIR:  Ever  since  my 
return  from  the  zone  of  hostilities  it 
has  been  my  constant  and  abiding  in 
tention  to  take  pen  in  hand  for  the  purpose 
of  acquainting  Your  Excellency  with  the 
facts  concerning  the  harassing  experiences 
undergone  by  the  undersigned  before,  dur 
ing  and  immediately  subsequent  to  the  out 
break  of  war  on  the  other,  or  Eastern,  hemi 
sphere  of  this  world.  As  you  will  observe, 
I  now  do  so. 

Until  this  time  I  have  been  deterred  from 
setting  forth  my  complaint  by  a  variety  of 


110         Fibble,  D.  D. 

good  and  sufficient  reasons,  which  I  enu 
merate: 

Firstly — To  me  it  appeared  inevitable 
that  this  open  letter,  on  its  reaching  your 
hands,  would  result  in  a  breach  between 
Your  Excellency  and  your  late  Secretary 
of  State,  Mr.  William  Jennings  Bryan.  I 
purposely  refrained,  therefore,  from  ap 
proaching  you  on  the  subject  while  he  re 
mained  a  member  of  your  official  family. 
In  this  connection  I  may  state  that  I  would 
be  the  last  to  hamper  and  embarrass  the 
National  Administration.  I  feel  the  force 
of  this  remark  will  be  all  the  more  deeply 
appreciated  when  I  tell  you  that,  though 
never  actively  concerned  in  politics,  I  have 
invariably  voted  the  Republican  ticket  on 
each  and  every  occasion  when  the  fact  that 
election  day  had  arrived  was  directed  to  my 
attention. 

Secondly — Through  similar  motives  of 
consideration  I  studiously  refrained  from 
bringing  this  recital  of  events  before  you 
during  your  correspondence  with  a  certain 
foreign  Power — to  wit,  Germany — touch 
ing  on  the  course  and  conduct  of  hostilities 


Elsewhere  in  France  111 

on  the  high  seas.  With  myself  I  frequently 
reasoned,  saying,  in  substance,  this:  "Who 
am  I  that  I  should  intrude  my  own  griev 
ances,  considerable  though  they  may  be,  on 
our  President  at  this  crucial  hour  when  he 
is  harassed  by  issues  of  even  greater  mo 
ment?  In  the  unsettled  and  feverish  state 
of  the  public  mind,  who  can  foretell  what 
new  complications  may  ensue  should  I 
thrust  my  own  affairs  forward?  Shall  I  do 
this  ?  No,  no ;  a  thousand  times  no !  I  shall 
restrain  myself.  I  shall  stay  my  hand.  I 
shall  wait."  You  will  understand  that  I 
did  not  go  so  far  as  audibly  to  utter  these 
sentiments.  I  merely  thought  them. 

Thirdly — No  little  difficulty  has  been  ex 
perienced  in  ascertaining  the  exact  where 
abouts  of  my  chief  fellow  sufferer  and  co- 
witness  ;  also  in  ferreting  out  the  identities 
of  the  principal  offenders  against  us.  In 
these  matters  I  am  able  to  report  progress, 
but  not  entirely  satisfactory  results.  Zeno 
the  Great,  it  would  appear,  is  a  person  of 
unsettled  habitation,  being  found  now  here, 
now  there,  now  elsewhere.  At  last  accounts 
he  was  connected  with  a  travelling  aggrega- 


112          Fibble,  D.  D. 

tion  known  as  De  Garmo  Brothers'  Ten- 
Million-Dollar  Railroad  Show;  but  since 
that  organisation  fell  into  the  hands  of  the 
sheriff  at  Red  Oak  Junction,  Iowa,  I  have 
been  unsuccessful  in  tracing  his  movements. 
Nor  can  I  at  this  time  furnish  you  with  the 
names  and  exact  addresses  of  the  bearded 
ruffian  in  the  long  blue  blouse,  the  porter 
of  the  hotel,  the  warder  of  the  dungeons,  or 
the  others  implicated  in  those  culminating 
outrages  of  which  I  was  the  innocent  vic 
tim.  Repeatedly  have  I  written  the  mayor 
of  the  town  of  Abbevilliers,  to  the  general 
commanding  the  French  military  forces, 
and  to  the  President  of  the  Republic  of 
France,  demanding  the  desired  informa 
tion;  but — believe  it  or  not,  Mister  Presi 
dent — to  date  I  have  had  not  a  single  word 
in  reply. 

Accordingly,  until  this  moment,  I  have 
contained  myself  with  all  due  restraint;  but 
feeling,  as  I  do  feel,  that  patience  has  finally 
ceased  to  be  a  virtue,  I  am  now  constrained 
to  address  you  in  the  first  person  singular, 
being  further  emboldened  by  the  reflection 
that  already  a  bond  of  sympathy  and  un- 


Elsewhere  in  France  113 

demanding  exists  between  us,  you  for  years 
having  been  connected  with  one  of  our  larg 
est  educational  institutions  and  fonts  of 
learning,  namely,  Princeton,  New  Jersey, 
while  I  for  some  eight  en  months  have  oc 
cupied  the  chair  of  astronomy  and  ancient 
and  modern  history  at  Fernbridge  Sem 
inary  for  Young  Ladies,  an  institution  that 
in  all  modesty  I  may  say  is  also  well  and 
favourably  known. 

If  you  find  opportunity  in  the  press  of 
your  undoubtedly  extensive  and  exacting 
duties  for  occasional  perusal  of  the  lay-press 
I  think  it  but  fair  to  assume  that  you  are 
more  or  less  familiar  with  the  causes  which 
actuated  me  in  resigning  my  place  as  assist 
ant  rector  of  the  parish  of  St.  Barnabas'  at 
Springhaven  and  accepting  the  position 
which  I  now  occupy. 

I  regret  to  inform  you  that  a  number  of 
newspaper  editors  in  a  mood  of  mistaken 
and  ill-advised  jocularity  saw  fit  at  the  time 
to  comment  upon  what  was  to  me  a  serious 
and  most  painful  memory.  However,  I 
mention  this  circumstance  only  in  passing, 
preferring  by  my  dignified  silence  to  rele- 


114         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

gate  the  authors  of  these  screeds  to  the  ob 
scurity  which  their  attitude  so  richly  merits. 
Suffice  it  to  state  that  having  left  Saint 
Barnabas',  within  the  short  scope  of  one 
week  thereafter  I  as  umed  the  duties  which 
I  have  since  continued  to  discharge  to  the 
best  of  my  talents,  rinding  in  the  refined, 
the  cultured  and  the  peaceful  precincts  of 
Fernbridge  Seminary  for  Young  Ladies 
that  soothing  restfulness  of  atmosphere 
which  is  so  essential  to  one  of  my  tempera 
ment. 

In  such  employment  I  busied  myself,  giv 
ing  my  days  to  the  classroom  and  my  eve 
nings  to  the  congenial  company  of  the  Vic 
torian  poets  and  to  my  botanical  collection, 
until  the  summer  solstice  of  1914  impended, 
when,  in  an  unthinking  moment,  I  was 
moved  by  attractive  considerations  to  ac 
cept  the  post  of  travelling  companion,  guide 
and  mentor  to  a  group  of  eight  of  our  young 
lady  seniors  desirous  of  rounding  out  their 
acquaintance  with  the  classics,  languages, 
arts  and  history  of  the  Olden  World  by  a 
short  tour  on  an  adjacent  continent.  I  need 


Elsewhere  in  France  115 

hardly  add  that  I  refer  to  the  continent  of 
Europe. 

Having  long  cherished  a  secret  longing  to 
visit  foreign  parts,  I  the  more  gladly  enter 
tained  the  suggestion  when  our  principal, 
Miss  Waddleton,  broached  it  to  me.  As 
outlined  by  Miss  Waddleton,  the  prospect 
at  first  blush  seemed  an  inviting  one — one 
might  even  venture  so  far  as  to  call  it  an 
alluring  one.  All  my  actual  travelling  ex 
penses  were  to  be  paid;  the  itinerary  would 
be  pursued  in  accordance  with  a  plan  pre 
viously  laid  out,  and  finally,  I  was  to  have 
for  my  aide,  for  my  chief  of  staff  as  it  were, 
Miss  Charlotte  Primleigh,  a  member  of  our 
faculty  of  long  standing  and  a  lady  in  whom 
firmness  of  character  is  agreeably  united 
with  indubitable  qualities  of  the  mind,  par 
ticularly  in  the  fields  of  algebra,  geometry 
and  trigonometry.  Miss  Primleigh  is  our 
mathematics  teacher. 

Though  gratified  and  flattered  by  the  trust 
imposed  in  me,  and  welcoming  the  oppor 
tunity  for  helpful  service  in  a  new  and  as 
yet  untried  realm,  I,  nevertheless,  strove  to 
comply  with  such  conventionalities  as  are 


116         Fibble,  D.  D. 

ordained  by  organised  society.  Indeed,  I 
trust  that  a  fitting  and  proper  sense  of  pro 
priety  is  never  entirely  banished  from  my 
mind  at  any  time  whatsoever. 

To  Miss  Waddleton  I  said: 

"But,  my  dear  lady,  I  pray  you,  have 
thought  for  these  cardinal  points — I  myself 
am  unmarried;  Miss  Primleigh  is  herself 
unmarried;  the  young  lady  students  con 
templating  embarkation  on  this  expedition 
are  each  and  every  one  of  them  unmarried 
also.  In  view  of  these  facts — which  are  in 
controvertible  and  not  to  be  gainsaid — do 
you  deem  it  entirely  proper  that  I,  a  mem 
ber  of  the  opposite  sex,  should  be  suffered 
to  accompany  them  throughout  the  course 
of  their  sojourn  on  alien  shores,  far,  far 
from  home  and  the  restraining  influences  of 
the  home  circle?" 

"I  shouldn't  worry  myself  about  that  part 
of  it  if  I  were  you,  Doctor  Fibble,"  replied 
Miss  Waddleton  in  the  direct  and  forcible 
manner  so  typical  of  her.  "There  isn't  a 
father  alive  who  would  hesitate  about  let 
ting  his  daughter  travel  in  your  company 


Elsewhere  in  France  111 


if  he  had  ever  met  you — or  even  if  he  had 
ever  seen  you." 

I  cite  this  rejoinder  as  added  proof  of 
the  confidence  with  which  I  am  regarded 
by  one  well  qualified  through  daily  associa 
tion  and  frequent  observation  to  know  the 
true  merits  of  my  character  and  disposition. 

Touched  no  little  by  such  an  expression 
of  sentiment  from  the  lips  of  Miss  Waddle- 
ton,  I  promptly  accepted  the  obligation 
without  further  demur  and  at  once  set  about 
my  needful  preparations  for  the  voyage.  So 
engrossed  was  I  with  these  matters  that  al 
most  at  once,  it  seemed  to  me,  the  date  of 
sailing  was  at  hand. 

Accompanied  by  my  travelling  belong 
ings,  I  repaired  by  train  to  New  York,  Miss 
Primleigh  following  a  few  hours  later  with 
our  charges.  It  was  agreed  that  we  should 
meet  upon  the  dock  at  ten  of  the  clock  on 
the  following  forenoon,  the  hour  of  sailing 
being  eleven,  upon  the  good  ship  Dolly 
Madison,  and  the  destination  Liverpool, 
England.  Such  of  the  student-group  as  re 
sided  within  easy  distance  of  the  port  of  de 
parture  expected  members  of  their  several 


118         Fibble,  D.  D. 

families  and  possibly  friends  as  well  would 
be  present  to  wish  them  the  customary  bon 
voyage.  As  for  me,  I  was  quite  alone,  hav 
ing  no  closer  relative  than  a  great-aunt  of 
advanced  years  residing  in  the  city  of  Hart 
ford,  Connecticut,  who,  being  debarred  by 
articular  rheumatism  and  other  infirmities 
to  which  all  flesh  is  heir,  from  coming  in 
person  to  bid  her  beloved  nephew  adieu, 
sent  me  by  parcels  post  a  farewell  present 
consisting  of  a  pair  of  embroidered  bed 
room  slippers,  pink  in  colour,  with  a  design 
of  moss  roses  done  in  green  and  yellow  upon 
the  respective  toes,  all  being  her  own  handi 
work. 

I  come  now  to  the  actual  leave-taking 
from  this,  our  native  clime.  Filled  with  a 
pleasurable  fluttering  sensation  engendered 
doubtlessly  by  the  novelty  of  the  impend 
ing  undertaking  and  at  the  same  time  beset 
by  a  nervous  apprehension  lest  I  fail  to  em 
bark  in  proper  season,  due  either  to  an  un 
expected  change  in  the  hour  of  sailing  or 
perchance  to  some  unforeseen  delay  en 
countered  in  transit  from  my  hotel  to  the 
water  front,  and  pestered  finally  by  a  haunt- 


Elsewhere  m  France  119 

ing  dread  lest  the  cabman  confuse  the  ad 
dress  in  his  own  mind  and  deposit  me  at  the 
wrong  pier,  there  being  many  piers  in  New 
York  and  all  of  such  similarity  of  outward 
appearance,  I  must  confess  that  I  slept  but 
poorly  the  night.  Betimes,  upon  the  morn 
of  the  all-momentous  day  I  arose,  and  with 
some  difficulty  mastering  an  inclination  to 
ward  tremors,  I  performed  the  customary 
ablutions.  Then  after  a  brief  and  hurried 
breakfast — in  fact  a  breakfast  so  hurried  as 
to  occasion  a  subsequent  touch  of  dyspepsia 
— I  engaged  a  taxicab  with  the  aid  of  a 
minor  member  of  the  hotel  menage,  known 
as  the  porter. 

Upon  this  menial,  who  impressed  me  as 
being  both  kindly  and  obliging  albeit  some 
what  officious,  I  pressed  a  coin  of  the  de 
nomination  of  five  cents.  I  believe  it  must 
have  been  the  manner  of  bestowal  which 
impressed  him  rather  than  the  size  of  the 
pourbolre  itself,  for  he  examined  it  with 
lively  marks  of  interest  and  appreciation 
and  then  told  me,  with  rather  a  waggish 
air,  I  thought,  that  he  did  not  intend  to  frit 
ter  it  away  upon  riotous  living  but  would 


120          Fibble,  D.  D. 

take  it  home  and  show  it  to  his  little  ones. 
To  which  I  responded  in  all  seriousness  that 
I  was  glad  he  did  not  contemplate  expend 
ing  it  upon  strong  drink,  such  as  grog  or 
rum.  As  though  instantly  sobered  by  my 
tone,  he  promised  me  that  whatever  be  the 
purpose  to  which  he  might  ultimately  de 
vote  it,  he  would  never  use  my  gift  for  the 
purchasing  of  ardent  spirits.  I  do  not  un 
dertake  here  to  reproduce  his  exact  phrase 
ology  but  only  the  sense  of  what  he  sought 
to  convey  to  my  understanding. 

So  saying,  we  parted.  Snugly  ensconced 
in  my  taxicab,  being  entirely  surrounded 
and  in  part  quite  covered  up  or  obscured 
from  the  casual  gaze  by  my  many  articles 
of  luggage,  I  proceeded  to  the  pier,  mean 
while  subconsciously  marvelling  at  the 
multitudinous  life  and  activity  displayed 
upon  the  thoroughfares  of  our  national 
metropolis  at  even  so  early  an  hour  as  seven- 
forty-five  to  eight-fifteen  A.  M.  In  numbers 
amounting  to  a  vast  multitude  the  dwellers 
of  this  great  beehive  of  industry  were  al 
ready  abroad,  moving  hither  and  yon,  in 
tent  each  one  upon  his  or  her  affairs,  as  the 


Elsewhere  in  France  121 

case  might  be.  Especially  was  I  impressed 
by  the  engrossed  faces  and  the  hurried 
bodily  movements  of  the  component  atoms 
of  the  throng  as  viewed  through  the  handles 
of  my  small  black  leather  valise,  which  with 
other  impedimenta  I  held  upon  my  knees, 
balancing  it  so  that  the  leather  loops  were 
practically  upon  a  level  with  my  range  of 
vision. 

To  me,  humanity  in  the  mass  has  ever 
presented  a  most  absorbing  study  notwith 
standing  that  almost  invariably  I  find  myself 
in  a  flurried,  not  to  say  confused,  state  of 
mind  upon  being  thrust  physically  into  the 
crowded  throng.  However,  affairs  of  a 
more  pressing  and  a  more  personal  nature 
as  well  soon  claimed  me.  Upon  reaching 
the  appointed  destination,  my  attention  was 
directed  to  the  fact  that  the  metre-device 
attached  to  the  taxicab  registered  no  less  a 
total  than  two  dollars  and  seventy-five  cents. 

A  search  of  my  patent  coin  purse  revealed 
that  I  did  not  have  about  me  the  exact 
amount  requisite  to  discharge  this  obliga 
tion.  Accordingly  I  handed  the  driver  a 
ten-dollar  national  bank  note.  Immediately 


122         Fibble,  D.  D. 

he  wheeled  his  equipage  about  and  drove 
rapidly  away,  promising  to  return  with  all 
speed  and  diligence  so  soon  as  he  had  suc 
ceeded  in  changing  the  bill.  For  some  time 
I  waited  in  one  of  the  doorways  of  the  pier, 
but  he  did  not  return.  So  far  as  I  have  been 
able  to  ascertain,  he  has  never  returned; 
this  assertion  is  based  upon  my  best  knowl 
edge  and  belief.  I  am  therefore  constrained 
to  believe  the  unfortunate  young  man — for 
indeed  he  was  but  little  more  than  a  youth 
in  years — met  with  some  serious  bodily  hurt 
while  intent  upon  this  mission.  Nor  do  I 
hold  myself  entirely  blameless  for  this,  since 
had  I  but  bethought  me  to  stock  my  purse 
with  a  suitable  amount  of  small  silver,  he 
might  have  escaped  the  injury  that  doubt 
lessly  befell  him  in  the  press  of  wagons, 
wains,  vans  and  motor-drawn  vehicles  into 
which  he  so  impetuously  darted.  Regard 
ing  his  probable  fate  I  have  many  times 
pondered,  giving  myself  no  little  concern. 
My  position  as  I  lingered  at  the  entrance 
to  the  pier  was  not  free  from  petty  discom 
forts  and  annoyances.  I  was  torn  between 
two  inclinations:  one  to  secure  the  seven 


Elsewhere  in  France  123 

dollars  and  twenty-five  cents  yet  due  me, 
and  the  other  to  be  safely  embarked  in  the 
event  that  the  vagaries  of  the  tide  or  other 
actuating  causes  should  prompt  the  steam 
er's  master  to  depart  in  advance  of  the 
scheduled  time  without  due  notice  to  the 
public  at  large;  for  this  fear  of  being  left 
behind  which  had  first  found  lodgment  in 
my  thoughts  the  evening  previous  still  per 
sisted  without  cessation  or  abatement. 

Indeed,  the  near  proximity  of  the  steamer 
itself,  the  apparent  air  of  bustle  and  haste 
displayed  everywhere  in  the  vicinity,  the 
hoarse  cries  betokening  haste  and  perplexity 
which  arose  upon  all  sides,  had  the  effect 
of  heightening  rather  than  diminishing  my 
apprehensions.  Moreover,  persons  drawn 
from  all  walks  of  life  were  constantly  com 
ing  into  abrupt  and  violent  contact  with  me 
as  they  passed  into  the  pier  carrying  objects 
of  varying  bulk  and  shape.  Others,  with 
almost  equal  frequency,  stumbled  over  my 
hand-luggage  which  I  had  taken  pains  to 
dispose  about  me  in  neatly  piled  array.  To 
top  all,  I  was  repeatedly  approached  by 
unkempt  individuals  offering  their  services 


124          Fibble,  D.  D. 

in  transporting  my  portable  equipment 
aboard  ship.  I  found  it  quite  absolutely 
necessary  to  maintain  a  vigilant  guard 
against  their  importunities,  one  elderly  per 
son  of  a  very  unprepossessing  exterior  as 
pect  even  going  so  far  as  to  lay  hands  upon 
the  black  leather  valise,  thus  requiring  me 
to  engage  in  a  decidedly  unseemly  struggle 
with  him  for  its  possession.  I  believe  I 
may  safely  assert  that  I  am  not  of  an  unduly 
suspicious  nature  but  assuredly  the  appear 
ance  of  this  man  and  his  fellows  was  such 
as  to  create  doubt  as  to  the  honesty  of  their 
ultimate  motives.  What  between  turning 
this  way  to  wave  off  a  particularly  persist 
ent  applicant  and  turning  that  way  again 
to  beg  the  pardon  of  strangers  who  found 
themselves  in  actual  collision  with  me  and 
my  belongings,  I  was  rendered  quite  dizzy, 
besides  sustaining  several  painful  bruises 
upon  the  nether  limbs. 

At  length  I  felt  I  could  no  longer  en 
dure  the  strain;  already  my  nerves  seemed 
stretched  to  the  breaking  point.  After  some 
minutes,  I  succeeded,  by  dint  of  spoken  ap 
peals  and  gestures,  in  engaging  the  ear  of 


Elsewhere  in  France  125 

a  police  officer  who  appeared  to  be  on  duty 
at  a  point  nearby.  To  him  I  gave  my  name 
and  calling,  and  furnished  him  also  with  a 
personal  description  of  the  strangely  miss 
ing  taxicab  driver,  charging  him,  the  po 
lice  officer,  to  bid  the  driver  to  seek  me  out 
in  my  quarters  aboard  ship  when  he,  the 
driver,  should  reappear  with  my  change. 

This  matter  disposed  of,  I  gathered  up  my 
luggage  as  best  I  could  and  laden  like  unto 
a  veritable  beast  of  burden  wended  my  way 
adown  the  interior  of  the  long,  barn-like 
structure,  pausing  at  intervals,  more  or  less 
annoying  in  their  frequency,  to  re-collect 
and  readjust  certain  small  parcels  which 
persistently  slipped  from  beneath  my  arms 
or  out  of  my  fingers.  The  weather  being 
warm,  I  was  presently  aglow  and  in  fact 
quite  moistly  suffused  with  particles  of  per 
spiration. 

All  was  noise  and  excitement.  So  great 
was  the  confusion,  so  disconcerting  the  up 
roar  about  me,  that  I  preserve  but  an  in 
distinct  recollection  of  my  chance  meeting 
with  Miss  Primleigh  and  our  joint  charges, 
whom  I  encountered  en  masse  at  a  point 


126         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

approximately,  I  should  judge,  midway  of 
the  pier.  As  it  developed,  they  had  entered 
by  another  door,  thus  escaping  my  notice. 
I  remember  pausing  to  ask  whether  any  of 
them  had  seen  and  recognised  my  steamer 
trunk  which  on  the  night  before  I  had  reluc 
tantly  entrusted  to  the  custody  of  a  licensed 
transfer  agency  and  regarding  which  I  felt 
some  excusable  misgivings.  It  seemed  that 
none  had  seen  it;  so  leaving  the  young 
ladies  in  Miss  Primleigh's  care,  I  resumed 
my  difficult  and  hampered  journey  in  the 
general  direction  of  the  so-called  gangway. 
Here  persons  in  fustian  who  claimed  to 
be  connected  with  the  steamship  line  in  a 
pseudo-official  capacity  sought  to  relieve 
me  of  a  part  of  my  baggage,  but  despite  all 
such  assurances  of  good  faith  I  declined 
their  proffered  aid.  For  how  many  trav 
ellers — thus  I  inwardly  reasoned — how 
many  travellers  in  times  past  have  been 
deceived  by  specious  impostors  to  their  own 
undoing?  Ah,  who  with  any  degree  of  ac 
curacy  can  actually  say  how  many?  Cer 
tainly,  though,  a  very  great  number.  I  for 
one  meant  to  hazard  no  single  chance.  Po- 


Elsewhere  in  France  127 

litely  yet  firmly  I  requested  these  persons 
to  be  off.  Then,  heavily  encumbered  as  I 
was,  I  ascended  unassisted  up  the  steep  in 
cline  of  a  canvas-walled  stage-plank  ex 
tending  from  the  pier  to  an  opening  oppor 
tunely  placed  in  the  lofty  side  of  the  good 
ship  Dolly  Madison. 

Once  aboard,  I  exhaled  a  deep  sigh  of 
relief.  At  last  I  felt  her  staunch  timbers 
beneath  my  feet.  She  could  not  depart 
without  me.  But  my  troubles  were  not  yet 
at  an  end — far  from  it.  For  I  must  find 
my  stateroom  and  deposit  therein  my  pos 
sessions  and  this  was  to  prove  a  matter  in 
deed  vexatious.  Upon  the  steamship 
proper,  the  crush  of  prospective  travellers, 
of  their  friends  and  relatives  and  of  others 
who  presumably  had  been  drawn  by  mere 
curiosity,  was  terrific.  I,  a  being  grown  to 
man's  full  stature,  was  jammed  forcibly 
against  a  balustrade  or  railing  and  for  some 
moments  remained  an  unwilling  prisoner 
there,  being  unable  to  extricate  myself  from 
the  press  or  even  to  behold  my  surroundings 
with  distinctness  by  reason  of  having  my 
face  and  particularly  my  nose  forced  into 


128         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

the  folds  of  a  steamer  rug  which  with  divers 
other  objects  I  held  clutched  to  my  breast. 
When  at  length  after  being  well-nigh  suffo 
cated,  I  was  able  to  use  my  eyes,  I  discerned 
persons  flitting  to  and  fro  in  the  multitude, 
wearing  a  garb  which  stamped  them  as  offi 
cers,  or,  at  least,  as  members  of  the  crew. 
After  several  vain  attempts,  I  succeeded  in 
detaining  one  of  these  persons  momentarily. 
To  him  I  put  a  question  regarding  the 
whereabouts  of  my  stateroom,  giving  him,  as 
I  supposed,  its  proper  number.  He  replied 
in  the  briefest  manner  possible  and  in 
stantly  vanished. 

Endeavouring  to  follow  his  directions, 
I  wedged  my  way  as  gently  as  I  might 
through  a  doorway  into  a  corridor  or  hall- 
space  which  proved  to  be  almost  as  crowded 
as  the  deck  had  been,  and  being  all  the  while 
jostled  and  buffeted  about,  I  descended  by 
staircases  deep  into  the  entrails  of  this 
mighty  craft  where  in  narrow  passageways 
I  wandered  about  interminably,  now  stum 
bling  over  some  inanimate  object,  now  forc 
ibly  encountering  some  living  obstacle  such 
as  another  bewildered  shipmate  or  steward- 


Elsewhere  in  France  129 

ess.  To  be  upon  the  safe  side,  I  made  a 
point  of  murmuring,  "I  beg  your  pardon," 
at  the  moment  of  each  collision  and  then 
proceeding  onward.  It  seemed  to  me  that 
hours  had  passed,  although  I  presume  the 
passage  of  time  was  really  of  much  shorter 
duration  than  that,  before  I  came  opposite 
a  stateroom  door  bearing  upon  its  panels 
the  sign  €-34. 

Much  to  my  joy  the  key  was  in  the  lock, 
as  I  ascertained  by  feeling,  and  the  door 
itself  stood  ajar  slightly.  Without  further 
ado  I  pushed  into  the  narrow  confines  of 
the  room,  but  even  as  I  crossed  the  thresh 
old  was  halted  by  a  voice,  speaking  in  thick 
ened  accents.  By  elevating  my  head  and 
stretching  my  neck  to  its  uttermost  length, 
my  chin  meanwhile  resting  upon  the  top 
tier  or  layer  of  my  belongings,  I  was  able 
to  perceive  the  form  of  a  large  male,  in  a 
recumbent  attitude  upon  a  berth  with  his 
face  turned  from  me. 

"All  ri',"  came  the  voice,  which  seemed 
to  be  muffled  in  the  pillows,  "all  ri',  steward, 
set  'em  down  anywhere!" 


130         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

"Sit  what  down?"  I  enquired,  at  a  loss 
to  grasp  his  meaning. 

"Why,  the  drinks,  of  course,"  quoth  the 
other. 

At  the  risk  of  dropping  some  of  my  lug 
gage,  I  drew  myself  up  to  my  full  height. 

"Sir,"  I  said,  "I  do  not  drink— I  have 
never  touched  strong  drink  in  all  my  life." 

"Is  it  pozz'ble?"  said  this  person  (I  en 
deavour  for  the  sake  of  accuracy  to  repro 
duce  his  exact  phrasing).  "Why,  whatVe 
you  been  doin'  with  your  spare  time  all 
thesh  years?" 

He  raised  a  face,  red  and  swollen,  and 
peered  at  me  in  seeming  astonishment.  I 
now  apprehended  that  he  was  a  victim  of 
over-indulgence.  So  intensely  was  I  shocked 
that  I  could  but  stare  back  at  him,  without 
speaking. 

"Well,"  he  continued,  "it's  never  too  late 
to  learn — that's  one  con — conso — conso- 

lach "  Plainly  the  word  he  strove  to 

utter  was  the  noun  consolation. 

In  a  flash  it  came  to  me  that  be  the  conse 
quences  what  they  might,  I  could  not  en 
dure  to  share  the  cribbed  and  cabined  quar- 


Elsewhere  in  France  131 

ters  provided  aboard  ship  with  a  person 
of  such  habits  and  such  trend  of  thought  as 
this  person  so  patently  betrayed.  Nor  was 
it  necessary.  For,  having  quit  his  pres 
ence  without  further  parley,  I  deposited  a 
part  of  my  burden  in  a  nearby  cross-hall 
and  examined  my  ticket.  By  so  doing  I  re 
established  a  fact  which  in  the  stress  of  the 
prevalent  excitement  had  escaped  my  atten 
tion  and  this  was  that  the  stateroom  to  which 
I  had  been  assigned  was  not  €-34,  but  B-34. 

If  this  were  C-deck,  the  deck  immediately 
above  must  perforce  be  B-deck?  Thus  I 
reasoned,  and  thus  was  I  correct,  as  speedily 
transpired.  Pausing  only  to  gather  up  my 
effects  and  to  make  my  excuses  to  sundry 
impatient  and  grumbling  voyagers  who  had 
packed  themselves  in  the  cross-hall  beyond, 
while  I  was  consulting  my  ticket,  I  jour 
neyed  upward  to  B-deck.  Upon  coming  to 
No.  34,  and  again  finding  the  key  in  the 
door  and  the  door  unlatched,  I  entered  as 
before. 

This  time  it  was  a  female  voice  which 
brought  me  to  an  instantaneous  standstill. 
For  the  instant  I  could  not  see  the  owner 


132         Fibble,  D.  D. 

of  the  voice — the  previously-mentioned 
steamer  rug  being  in  the  way — but  the  chal 
lenge  conveyed  by  her  tone  was  unmis 
takable. 

"Who  are  you  and  what  do  you  want?" 
Thus  was  I  addressed. 

Before  replying,  I  sought  to  comply  with 
the  conventionalities  of  the  occasion  by 
doffing  my  hat.  The  difficulties  of  remov 
ing  a  hat  with  a  hand  which  holds  at  the 
moment  an  umbrella  and  a  small  portman 
teau  can  only  be  appreciated  by  one  who 
has  attempted  the  experiment.  I  succeeded, 
it  is  true,  in  baring  my  head,  but  knocked 
off  my  glasses  and  precipitated  my  steamer 
rug  and  a  package  of  books  to  the  floor, 
where  my  hat  had  already  fallen.  Lacking 
the  aid  of  my  glasses,  my  vision  is  defective, 
but  I  was  able  to  make  out  the  form  of  a 
lady  of  mature  years,  and  plainly  habited, 
who  confronted  me  at  a  distance  of  but  a 
pace  or  two. 

"Pray  forgive  me,"  I  said  hastily,  "pray 
forgive  me,  Madam.  I  was  under  the  im 
pression  that  this  was  stateroom  6-34." 

"It  is,"  she  answered  in  a  manner  which 


1,"  SHE  SAID    "AM  MAJOR  JONES 


Elsewhere  in  France  133 

but  served  to  increase  my  perturbation. 
"What  of  it?" 

"Nothing,"  I  said,  "nothing — except  that 
there  must  be  some  mistake.  I  was  given  to 
understand  that  I  was  to  occupy  6-34,  shar 
ing  it  with  a  Major  Jones,  a  military  gen 
tleman,  I  assume." 

"I,"  she  said,  "am  Major  Jones." 

To  a  statement  so  astounding  I  could  only 
respond  by  confusedly  saying,  "Oh,  Ma 
dam!  Oh,  Madam!" 

"Major  Maggie  J.  Jones,  of  the  Salvation 
Army,"  she  continued.  "Probably  I  made 
the  original  mistake  by  not  letting  the  steam 
ship  people  know  that  a  Major  may  be  a 


woman." 


"Madam,"  I  said,  "I  beseech  you  to  re 
main  calm  and  make  no  outcry.  I  shall  at 
once  withdraw." 

This  I  accordingly  did,  she  obligingly 
passing  out  to  me  through  a  slit  in  the  door 
my  hat,  my  glasses,  my  steamer  rug,  my 
packages  of  books  and  one  or  two  other 
articles  of  my  outfit.  My  mind  was  in  a 
whirl;  for  the  time  I  was  utterly  unable  to 
collect  my  thoughts.  Making  a  mound  of 


134         Fibble,  D.  D. 

my  luggage  in  a  convenient  open  space,  I 
sat  myself  down  upon  the  perch  or  seat  thus 
improvised  to  await  a  period  when  the  ex 
citement  aboard  had  perceptibly  lessened 
before  seeking  out  the  captain  and  request 
ing  a  readjustment  in  regard  to  my  accom 
modations  on  his  ship.  It  was  due  to  this  de 
lay  that  I  failed  to  witness  the  drawing-out 
of  the  ship  into  midstream  and  also  missed 
seeing  any  of  the  party  entrusted  to  my  care 
until  after  we  had  passed  the  Statue  of  Lib 
erty  upon  our  way  to  the  open  sea.  Even 
tually,  by  dint  of  zealous  enquiry,  I  ascer 
tained  that  the  purser  was  the  person 
charged  with  the  assignment  of  berths  and 
staterooms.  Upon  my  finding  him  and  ex 
plaining  the  situation  in  language  couched 
in  all  possible  delicacy,  he  made  suitable 
apologies  and  I  presently  found  myself 
established  in  a  stateroom  which  had  no 
other  occupant. 

I  shall  dismiss  the  early  part  of  the  jour 
ney  with  a  brief  line.  For  three  days  the 
weather  continued  pleasant,  the  surface  of 
the  ocean  placid  and  the  voyage  without 
any  incident  of  more  than  passing  moment. 


Elsewhere  in  France  135 

Upon  the  third  evening  a  ship's  concert  was 
given.  On  being  approached  that  day  after 
luncheon  by  the  purser,  who  had  assumed 
charge  of  the  plans,  I  readily  consented  to 
assist  in  adding  to  the  pleasure  of  the  en 
tertainment,  especially  since  the  proceeds, 
as  he  assured  me,  were  to  be  devoted  to  a 
most  worthy  and  laudable  cause.  I  told  him 
I  would  favour  the  company  with  a  display 
of  my  elocutionary  abilities,  but  purposely 
withheld  the  title  of  the  selection  which  I 
meant  to  recite,  meaning  at  the  proper  time 
to  surprise  my  hearers. 

During  the  course  of  the  afternoon  the 
breeze  freshened  perceptibly,  as  evidenced 
by  a  slight  rolling  movement  of  the  ship. 
As  I  was  freshening  my  garb  shortly  before 
the  dining  hour  I  experienced  a  slight  sen 
sation  as  of  dizziness,  coupled  with  a  pres 
sure  across  the  forehead,  but  attributed 
this  to  nothing  more  serious  than  a  passing 
touch  of  indigestion,  to  which  I  am  occa 
sionally  subject.  Besides,  I  had  been  irri 
tated  no  little  upon  discovering  that  in 
printing  the  programme  of  events  the  type 
setter  was  guilty  of  a  typographical  error 


136         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

as  a  result  of  which  my  name  was  set  down 
as  Dr.  Fiddle.  A  trifle,  it  is  true,  but  an 
annoying  one.  When  I  permit  myself  to 
be  annoyed  a  slight  headache  almost  in 
variably  ensues. 

The  concert  began  at  the  appointed  hour. 
When  the  chairman  announced  me,  I  ad 
vanced  to  the  place  reserved  for  those  tak 
ing  part  and  faced  an  expectant  and  smil 
ing  assemblage.  It  was  my  intention  to  de 
liver  the  well  known  address  of  Spartacus 
to  the  Gladiators.  From  the  best  informa 
tion  on  the  subject  we  glean  that  Spartacus 
was  in  figure  tall,  with  a  voice  appreciably 
deep.  I  am  not  tall,  nor  burly,  although 
of  suitable  height  for  my  breadth  of  frame. 
Nor  can  I,  without  vocal  strain,  attain  the 
rumbling  bass  tones  so  favoured  by  many 
elocutionists.  But  I  have  been  led  to  be 
lieve  that  a  sonorousness  of  delivery  and  a 
nice  use  of  gesticulation  and  modulation 
compensate  in  me  for  a  lack  of  bulk,  creat 
ing  as  it  were  an  illusion  of  physical  im- 
pressiveness,  of  brawn,  of  thew  and  sinew. 
I  bowed  to  the  chairman,  and  to  the  assem 
blage,  cleared  my  throat  and  began. 


Elsewhere  in  France  137 

You  will  recall,  Mr.  President,  the 
dramatic  opening  phrase  of  this  recitation: 
"Ye  call  me  chief  and  ye  do  well  to  call  me 
chief."  I  had  reached  the  words,  "and  ye 
do  well  to  call  me  chief "  when  I  be 
came  aware  of  a  startling  manifestation 
upon  the  part  of  the  flooring  beneath  my 
feet.  It  was  as  though  the  solid  planks 
heaved  amain,  causing  the  carpeting  to  rise 
and  fall  in  billows.  I  do  not  mean  that  this 
phenomenon  really  occurred  but  only  that 
it  seemed  to  occur.  I  paused  to  collect  my 
self  and  began  afresh,  but  now  I  progressed 
no  further  than,  "Ye  call  me  chief- 

At  this  precise  juncture  I  realised  that  I 
was  rapidly  becoming  acutely  unwell.  I 
could  actually  feel  myself  turning  pale.  I 
endeavoured  to  utter  a  hurried  word  or  two 
of  explanation,  but  so  swift  was  the  progress 
of  my  indisposition  that  already  I  found  my 
self  bereft  of  the  powers  of  sustained  and 
coherent  speech.  I  reeled  where  I  stood. 
A  great  and  overmastering  desire  came  upon 
me  to  go  far  away  from  there,  to  be  entirely 
alone,  to  have  solitude,  to  cease  for  a  time  to 
look  upon  any  human  face.  Pressing  the 


138         Fibble,  D.  D. 

hem  of  a  handkerchief  to  my  lips,  I  turned 
and  blindly  fled.  Outside  upon  the  deserted 
deck  I  was  met  by  a  steward  who  ministered 
to  me  until  such  a  time  as  I  was  able  to  leave 
the  rail  and  with  his  help  to  drag  my  ex 
hausted  frame  to  the  privacy  of  my  state 
room  where  I  remained  in  a  state  of  semi- 
collapse,  and  quite  supine,  for  the  greater 
part  of  the  ensuing  forty-eight  hours. 

I  did  not  feel  myself  to  be  entirely  my 
self  until  we  entered  St.  George's  Channel. 
We  were  well  within  sight  of  land,  the  land 
in  this  instance  being  the  shore  of  Albion, 
before  I  deemed  it  wise  and  expedient  to 
leave  my  couch  and  venture  into  the  open 
air.  Once  there,  however,  I  experienced  a 
speedy  recovery  from  the  malady  that  had 
so  nearly  undone  me  and  I  may  safely  affirm 
that  none  in  all  the  company  aboard  that 
great  floating  caravansary  evinced  a  blither 
spirit  than  the  undersigned  at  the  moment 
of  debarking  upon  terra  firma. 

At  the  risk  of  perhaps  boring  Your  Ex 
cellency,  I  have  been  thus  explicit  in  de 
tailing  these  episodes  in  our  easterly  voyage, 
but  if  you  have  patiently  borne  with  me 


Elsewhere  in  France  139 

thus  far,  I  feel  assured  that  ere  now  your 
trained  mind  has  divined  my  purport.  For 
throughout  these  pages  my  constant  intent 
has  been  to  give  you  an  insight  into  my  true 
self,  to  the  end  that  hereafter  you  may  the 
more  readily  understand  my  motives  and 
my  actions  when  unforeseen  contingencies 
arose  and  disaster  impended.  In  any  event, 
I  would  set  you  right  upon  one  point.  It 
is  undeniably  true  that  among  some  of  my 
fellow  passengers  a  scandalous  report  ob 
tained  circulation  to  the  effect  that  upon  the 
day  of  sailing  I  had  forced  my  way  into  the 
stateroom  of  a  strange  female  and  was  by 
that  female  forcibly  expelled  from  her  pres 
ence.  I  beseech  you,  Mr.  President,  to  give 
no  credence  to  this  scandalous  perversion 
of  the  truth  should  it  by  chance  reach  your 
ear.  I  have  here  detailed  the  exact  cir 
cumstances  with  regard  to  the  meeting  with 
Major  Maggie  J.  Jones  of  the  Salvation 
Army,  withholding  nothing,  explaining 
everything. 

After  this  brief  digression,  I  shall  now 
proceed  to  deal  briefly  with  the  continuation 
of  our  journey.  Soon  we  had  complied  with 


140         Fibble,  D.  D. 

the  trifling  regularities  incident  to  our  pas 
sage  through  the  Plymouth  Customs  Office; 
soon,  ensconced  aboard  a  well-appointed 
railway  carnage,  we  were  traversing  the 
peaceful  English  landscape,  bound  at  a 
high  rate  of  speed  for  the  great  city  of  Lon 
don;  and  soon  did  I  find  myself  developing 
a  warm  admiration  for  various  traits  of  the 
British  character  as  disclosed  to  me  during 
our  first  hours  on  the  soil  of  the  British 
Empire.  The  docility  of  the  serving  classes 
as  everywhere  encountered,  the  civility  of 
the  lesser  officials,  the  orderly  and  well- 
kempt  aspect  of  the  countryside,  the  excel 
lence  of  the  steaming  hot  tea  served  en  route 
on  His  Majesty's  railroad  trains — all  these 
impressed  me  deeply;  and  especially  the  last 
named.  A  proneness  to  overindulgence  in 
the  agreeably  soothing  decoction  produced 
by  an  infusion  of  tea  leaves  is,  I  confess,  my 
chief  besetting  vice. 

As  I  look  back  on  it  all  with  the  eye  of 
fond  retrospection,  and  contrast  it  with  the 
horrifying  situation  into  which  we,  all  un 
wittingly  and  all  unsuspectingly,  were  so 


Elsewhere  in  France  141 

shortly  to  be  plunged,  our  sojourn  in  Eng 
land  is  to  me  as  a  fleeting,  happy  dream. 

Within  the  vast  recesses  of  Westminster 
Abbey  I  lost  myself.  This  statement  is  literal 
as  well  as  figurative;  for,  having  become 
separated  from  the  others,  I  did  indeed  re 
main  adrift  in  a  maze  of  galleries  for  up 
ward  of  an  hour.  At  the  Tower  of  London 
I  gave  way  for  a  space  of  hours  to  audible 
musings  on  the  historic  scenes  enacted  on 
that  most-storied  spot.  In  contemplation  of 
the  architectural  glories  of  St.  Paul's,  I  be 
came  so  engrossed  that  naught,  I  am  con 
vinced,  save  the  timely  intervention  of  a  uni 
formed  constable,  who  put  forth  his  hand 
and  plucked  me  out  of  the  path  of  danger 
in  the  middle  of  the  road  where  I  had  in 
voluntarily  halted,  saved  me  from  being 
precipitated  beneath  the  wheels  of  a  pass 
ing  omnibus.  As  for  my  emotions  when  I 
paused  at  the  graveside  of  William  Shak- 
spere — ah,  sir,  a  more  gifted  pen  than  mine 
were  required  to  describe  my  sensations  at 
this  hallowed  moment. 

Constantly  I  strove  to  impress  on  our 
eight  young-lady  seniors  the  tremendous 


142          Fibble,  D.  D. 

value,  for  future  conversational  purposes, 
of  the  sights,  the  associations  and  the  memo 
ries  with  which  we  were  now  thrown  in 
such  intimate  contact.  At  every  oppor 
tunity  I  directed  their  attention  to  this  or 
that  object  of  interest,  pointing  out  to  them 
that  since  their  indulgent  parents  or  guar 
dians,  as  the  case  might  be,  had  seen  fit  to 
afford  them  this  opportunity  for  enriching 
their  minds  and  increasing  their  funds  of 
information,  it  should  be  alike  their  duty 
and  their  privilege  to  study,  to  speculate,  to 
ponder,  to  reflect,  to  contemplate,  to  amass 
knowledge,  to  look,  to  see,  to  think.  Yet, 
inconceivable  though  it  may  appear,  I  dis 
cerned  in  the  majority  of  them,  after  the 
first  few  days,  a  growing  inclination  to 
shirk  the  intellectual  obligations  of  the 
hour  for  things  of  infinitely  lesser  moment. 
Despite  my  frequent  admonitions  and  my 
gentle  chidings,  shops  and  theatres  en 
grossed  them  substantially  to  the  exclusion 
of  all  else.  My  suggestion  that  our  first 
evening  in  London  should  be  spent  in  suit 
able  readings  of  English  history  in  order 
to  prepare  our  minds  for  the  impressions  of 


Elsewhere  in  France  143 

the  morrow  was  voted  down,  practically 
unanimously. 

One  entire  afternoon,  which  I  had  in 
tended  should  be  devoted  to  the  National 
Art  Gallery,  was  wasted — I  use  the  word 
wasted  deliberately — in  idle  and  purpose 
less  contemplation  of  the  show  windows  in 
a  retail  merchandising  resort  known  as  the 
Burlington  Arcade.  Toward  the  close  of 
our  ever  memorable  day  at  Stratford-upon- 
Avon,  as  I  was  discoursing  at  length  on  the 
life  and  works  of  the  Immortal  Bard,  I  was 
shocked  to  hear  Miss  Henrietta  Marble,  of 
Rising  Sun,  Indiana,  remark,  sotto  voce, 
that  she,  for  one,  had  had  about  enough  of 
Bardie — I  quote  her  exact  language — and 
wished  to  enquire  if  the  rest  did  not  think 
it  was  nearly  time  to  go  somewhere  and  buy 
a  few  souvenirs. 

So  the  days  flitted  by  one  by  one,  as  is 
their  wont;  and  all  too  soon,  for  me,  the 
date  appointed  for  our  departure  to  the 
Continent  drew  nigh.  It  came;  we  jour 
neyed  to  Paris,  the  chief  city  of  the  French. 

Upon  the  eve  of  our  departure  Miss 
Primleigh  fell  ill,  so  since  the  tour  was  cir- 


144         Fibble,  D.  D. 

cumscribed  as  to  time,  our  four  weeks'  itin 
erary  upon  the  Continent  including  France, 
Germany,  Holland,  Belgium,  Austria  and 
Italy,  it  became  necessary  to  leave  her  be 
hind  us  temporarily  while  we  continued  our 
travels.  Impressed  with  an  added  sense  of 
responsibility,  since  I  now  had  eight  young 
ladies  under  my  sole  tutelage,  I  crossed  the 
Channel  with  them  on  the  following  day 
and  at  eventide  we  found  ourselves  in  no 
less  a  place  than  the  French  capital. 

In  Paris,  as  in  London,  my  heart,  my 
hands  and  my  brain  were  most  constantly 
occupied  by  my  obligations  to  my  charges, 
who,  despite  all  admonitions  to  the  contrary, 
continued,  one  regrets  to  say,  to  exhibit  an 
indifference  toward  those  inspiring  and  up 
lifting  pursuits  to  which  a  tour  of  this  sort 
should  be  entirely  devoted.  For  example,  I 
recall  that  on  a  certain  day — the  third  day, 
I  think,  of  our  sojourn  in  Paris,  or  possibly 
it  might  have  been  the  fourth — I  was  escort 
ing  them  through  the  art  galleries  of  that 
famous  structure,  the  Louvre. 

At  the  outset  we  had  had  with  us  a  courier 
specially  engaged  for  the  occasion;  but,  de- 


Elsewhere  in  France  145 

tecting  in  him  an  inclination  to  slur  impor 
tant  details  in  relation  to  the  lives  and  works 
of  the  Old  Masters  whose  handicraft 
greeted  us  murally  on  every  side,  I  soon  dis 
pensed  with  his  services  and  took  over  his 
task.  Whereas  he  had  been  content  to  dis 
miss  this  or  that  artist  with  but  a  perfunc 
tory  line,  I  preferred  to  give  dates,  data  and 
all  important  facts. 

I  had  moved  with  the  young  ladies 
through  several  galleries,  now  consulting 
the  guidebook,  which  I  carried  in  my  right 
hand,  now  pointing  with  my  left  to  this  or 
that  conspicuous  example  of  the  genius  of 
a  Rubens,  a  Rembrandt  or  a  Titian,  and,  I 
presume,  had  been  thus  engaged  for  the 
better  part  of  two  hours,  when  a  sudden 
subconscious  instinct  subtly  warned  me  that 
I  was  alone.  Astonished,  I  spun  on  my 
heel.  My  youthful  companions  were  no 
longer  with  me.  Five  minutes  before  they 
had  been  at  my  skirts;  of  that  I  was  sure; 
in  fact,  it  seemed  but  a  few  moments  since 
I  had  heard  the  prattle  of  their  voices,  yet 
now  the  whole  train  had  vanished,  as  it 


146         Fibble,  D.  D. 

were,  into  thin  air,  leaving  no  trace  behind 
them. 

I  shall  not  deny  that  I  was  alarmed.  I 
hurried  this  way  and  that,  seeking  them — 
even  calling  their  names  aloud.  All  was  in 
vain.  My  agitated  and  rapid  movements  but 
served  to  attract  the  attention  of  a  consid 
erable  number  of  idlers  of  various  nationali 
ties,  many  of  whom  persistently  followed 
me  about  until  a  functionary  in  uniform  in 
terfered,  thus  bringing  my  search  to  an 
end  for  the  time  being.  Whether  my  help 
less  charges,  deprived  now  of  the  guiding 
hand  and  brain  of  a  responsible  and  vigilant 
protector,  were  yet  wandering  about,  with 
out  leadership,  without  guardianship,  in 
the  complex  and  mystifying  ramifications 
of  that  vast  pile,  or,  worse  still,  were  lost  in 
the  great  city,  I  had  no  way  of  knowing.  I 
could  but  fear  the  worst.  My  brain  became 
a  prey  to  increasing  dread. 

In  great  distress  of  spirit,  I  hurried  from 
the  edifice  and  set  out  afoot  for  our  hotel, 
meaning  on  my  arrival  there  to  enlist  the 
aid  of  the  proprietor  in  notifying  the  police 
department  and  inaugurating  a  general 


Elsewhere  in  France  147 

search  for  those  poor  young  ladies  through 
the  proper  channels.  However,  owing  to  a 
striking  similarity  in  the  appearance  of 
the  various  streets  of  the  town,  I  myself  be 
came  slightly  confused.  I  must  have  wan 
dered  on  and  on  for  miles.  The  shades  of 
night  were  falling  when  at  last,  footsore, 
despondent  and  exhausted,  I  reached  my 
goal. 

To  my  inexpressible  relief,  I  found  all 
eight  gathered  at  the  hotel  dining  table,  dis 
cussing  the  various  viands  provided  for 
their  delectation,  and  chattering  as  gaily  as 
though  nothing  untoward  had  occurred.  I 
came  to  a  halt  in  the  doorway,  panting.  Ex 
planations  followed.  It  would  appear  that, 
having  been  seized  with  a  simultaneous  de 
sire  to  visit  a  near-by  glove  shop,  which 
some  among  them  had  noted  in  passing  at 
the  moment  of  our  entry  into  the  Louvre, 
they  had  returned  to  examine  and  purchase 
of  its  wares;  and  so  great  was  their  haste, 
so  impetuous  their  decision  that,  one  and  all, 
they  had  neglected  to  inform  me  of  their 
purpose,  each  vowing  she  thought  the  others 


148         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

had  addressed  me  on  the  subject  and  ob 
tained  my  consent. 

Think  of  it,  Mister  President,  I  ask  you! 
Here  were  eight  rational  beings,  all  stand 
ing  at  the  threshold  of  life,  all  at  a  most 
impressionable  age,  who  valued  the  chance 
to  acquire  such  minor  and  inconsequential 
chattels  as  kid  gloves  above  a  period  of 
pleasurable  instruction  in  a  magnificent 
treasure  trove  of  the  Old  Masters.  In  my 
then  spent  condition  the  admission,  so 
frankly  vouchsafed,  left  me  well-nigh 
speechless.  I  could  only  murmur:  "Young 
ladies,  you  pain  me,  you  grieve  me,  you  hurt 
me,  you  astound  me !  But  you  are  so  young, 
and  I  forgive  you."  I  then  withdrew  to  my 
own  apartment  and  rang  for  an  attendant  to 
bring  a  basin  of  hot  water  in  which  I  might 
lave  my  blistered  pedal  extremities.  Later, 
arnica  was  also  required. 

The  following  day,  on  returning  from  a 
small  errand  in  the  neighbourhood,  as  I  en 
tered  the  rue  or  street  on  which  our  hostel 
fronted  I  was  startled  out  of  all  composure 
to  behold  Miss  Flora  Canbee,  of  Louisville, 
Kentucky,  and  Miss  Hilda  Slicker,  of 


Elsewhere  in  France  149 

Seattle,  Washington,  in  animated  conversa 
tion  with  two  young  men,  one  of  whom  was 
tall  and  dark  and  the  other  slight  and  fair, 
but  both  apparelled  in  the  habiliments  pe 
culiar  to  officers  in  the  French  Army. 

For  a  moment  I  could  scarcely  believe  my 
eyes.  I  think  I  paused  to  readjust  the 
glasses  I  wear,  fearing  my  trusty  lenses 
might  have  played  me  false;  but  it  was  true. 
As  I  hurriedly  advanced,  with  amazement 
and  displeasure  writ  large  on  my  counte 
nance,  Miss  Canbee  proceeded  to  disarm  my 
mounting  suspicions  by  informing  me  that 
the  two  officers  were  her  first  cousins,  and 
then  introduced  them  to  me.  They  re 
sponded  to  my  cordial  salutation  in  excel 
lent  English,  Miss  Canbee  casually  adding, 
as  though  to  make  conversation: 

"Of  course  you  remember,  Doctor  Fib- 
ble,  my  having  told  you  several  times  that 
my  mother  was  French?" 

To  this  I  could  only  reply  in  all  sincerity 
that  the  fact  of  her  having  told  me  so  had 
entirely  escaped  my  mind,  which  was  quite 
true.  Yet  ordinarily  my  memory  for  trifles 
is  excellent,  and  I  can  only  attribute  to  press 


150         Fibble,  D.  D. 

of  other  cares  my  failure  now  to  recall  the 
circumstance. 

I  could  well  understand  why  Miss  Can- 
bee  felt  constrained  to  obtain  permission  to 
spend  the  afternoon  in  converse  with  her 
cousins  in  preference  to  joining  the  rest  of 
us  in  a  long  walk  in  the  warm,  bright  sun 
shine  along  the  quays  of  the  River  Seine, 
this  being  an  excursion  I  had  planned  at 
luncheon ;  but  why — as  I  repeatedly  asked 
myself — why  should  Miss  Hilda  Slicker 
manifest  pique  to  a  marked  degree  when  I 
insisted  on  her  accompanying  us?  She, 
surely,  could  feel  no  personal  interest  in 
two  young  French  officers  whose  acquain 
tance  she  had  just  formed  and  who  were  in 
no  degree  related  to  her  by  ties  of  blood- 
kinship. 

Such  happenings  as  the  two  I  have  just 
narrated  went  far  to  convince  me  that  even 
the  refining  and  elevating  influences  of  for 
eign  travel,  when  prosecuted  under  the  most 
agreeable  and  congenial  of  auspices,  might 
not  suffice  in  all  instances  to  curb  the  nat 
urally  frivolous  and  unheeding  tendencies 
of  growing  young  persons  of  the  opposite 


Elsewhere  in  France  151 

sex,  between  the  given  ages  of  seventeen 
and  twenty. 

I  may  also  state  that  the  task  of  master 
ing  the  idiomatic  eccentricities  of  the 
French  language  gave  me  some  small  in 
convenience.  With  Greek,  with  Latin,  with 
Hebrew,  I  am  on  terms  of  more  or  less 
familiarity;  but  until  this  present  occasion 
the  use  of  modern  tongues  other  than  our 
own  have  never  impressed  me  as  an  ac 
complishment  worthy  to  be  undertaken  by 
one  who  is  busied  with  the  more  serious 
acquirements  of  learning.  However,  some 
days  before  sailing  I  had  secured  a  work 
entitled  "French  in  Thirty  Lessons,"  the 
author  being  our  teacher  of  modern  lan 
guages  at  Fernbridge,  Miss  McGillicuddy 
by  name,  and  at  spare  intervals  had  dili 
gently  applied  myself  to  its  contents. 

On  reaching  France,  however,  I  found 
the  jargon  or  patois  spoken  generally  by  the 
natives  to  differ  so  materially  from  the 
purer  forms  as  set  forth  in  this  work  that 
perforce  I  had  recourse  to  a  small  manual 
containing,  in  parallel  columns,  sentences 
in  English  and  their  Gallic  equivalents, 


152         Fibble,  D.  D. 

and  thereafter  never  ventured  abroad  with 
out  carrying  this  volume  in  my  pocket. 
Even  so,  no  matter  how  careful  my  enunci 
ation,  I  frequently  encountered  difficulty  in 
making  my  intent  clear  to  the  understanding 
of  the  ordinary  gendarme  or  cab  driver,  or 
what  not.  Nor  will  I  deny  that  in  other  es 
sential  regards  Paris  was  to  me  disappoint 
ing.  The  life  pursued  by  many  of  the  in 
habitants  after  nightfall  impressed  me  as 
frivolous  in  the  extreme  and  not  to  be  coun 
tenanced  by  right-thinking  people;  in  the 
public  highways  automobiles  and  other  ve 
hicles  manoeuvred  with  disconcerting  reck 
lessness  and  abandon;  and,  after  England, 
the  tea  seemed  inferior. 

Until  this  time  no  intimation  of  impend 
ing  war  had  intruded  on  our  thoughts.  To 
be  sure,  some  days  before  our  departure 
from  Fernbridge  I  had  perused  accounts  in 
the  public  prints  of  the  assassination  of  the 
Heir  Apparent  of  Austria-Hungary  and  his 
lady  somewhere  in  the  Balkans,  but  I  for 
one  regarded  this  deplorable  event  as  a  thing 
liable  to  occur  in  any  unsettled  foreign  com- 
Inunity  where  the  inhabitants  speak  in 


Elsewhere  in  France  153 

strange  tongues  and  follow  strange  customs. 
Never  for  one  moment  did  I  dream  that 
this  crime  might  have  an  effect  on  the  peace 
of  the  world  at  large. 

Presently,  however,  I  began  to  note  an 
air  of  feverish  activity  among  the  denizens 
of  Paris;  and  one  morning  toward  the  end 
of  our  first  week's  sojourn  in  their  midst  I 
discerned  a  large  body  of  troops  moving 
along  one  of  the  principal  boulevards,  ac 
companied  by  cheering  throngs.  Still  I  felt 
no  alarm,  my  explanation  to  my  young 
ladies  for  this  patriotic  exhibition  being 
that  undoubtedly  these  abnormal  and  emo 
tional  people  were  merely  celebrating  one 
of  their  national  gala  or  fete  days. 

In  fancied  security,  therefore,  we  con 
tinued  to  visit  cemeteries,  cathedrals,  art 
galleries,  tombs,  and  so  on,  until,  almost  like 
a  bolt  from  the  sky,  came  tidings  that  cer 
tain  neighbouring  states  had  interchanged 
declarations  of  war  and  the  French  forces 
were  preparing  to  mobilise.  Simultaneously 
one  realised  that  American  visitors  were  de 
parting  elsewhere  in  considerable  numbers. 

I  was  not  frightened,  but  I  shall  not  deny 


154        Fibble,  D.  D. 

that  I  felt  concern.  I  was  a  man,  and  a  man 
must  face  with  fortitude  and  resolution 
whatever  vicissitudes  the  immediate  future 
may  bring  forth — else  he  is  no  man;  but 
what  of  these  tender  and  immature  young 
females  who  had  been  entrusted  to  my  keep 
ing?  I  must  act,  and  act  at  once.  I  sum 
moned  them  to  my  presence;  and  after  beg 
ging  them  to  remain  calm  and  to  refrain 
from  tears,  I  disclosed  to  them  the  facts 
that  had  come  to  my  notice.  Continuing,  I 
informed  them  that  though  the  rumours  of 
prospective  hostilities  were  doubtlessly  ex 
aggerated  and  perhaps  largely  unfounded, 
nevertheless  I  deemed  it  the  part  of  wisdom 
to  return  without  delay  to  England,  there  to 
remain  until  conditions  on  the  Continent 
assumed  a  more  pacific  aspect. 

Enormously  to  my  surprise,  my  wards, 
with  one  voice,  demurred  to  the  suggestion. 
Miss  Canbee  spoke  up,  saying — I  reproduce 
her  words  almost  literally — that  a  really- 
truly  war  would  be  a  perfect  lark  and  that 
she  thought  it  would  be  just  dear  if  they  all 
volunteered  as  nurses,  or  daughters  of  the 
regiment,  or  something.  She  announced, 


Elsewhere  in  France  155 

furthermore,  that  she  meant  to  wire  that 
night  to  her  father  for  permission  to  enlist 
and  pick  out  her  uniform  the  very  first  thing 
in  the  morning.  Strangely,  her  deluded 
companions  greeted  this  remarkable  state 
ment  with  seeming  approbation.  All  speak 
ing  at  once,  they  began  discussing  details  of 
costume,  and  so  on.  I  was  thunderstruck! 
It  required  outright  sternness  of  demeanour 
and  utterance  on  my  part  to  check  their  ex 
uberant  outbursts  of  misguided  enthusiasm. 

Nevertheless,  another  twenty-four  hours 
was  to  ensue  before  I  felt  that  their  spirits 
had  been  sufficiently  curbed  to  permit  of  my 
making  preparations  for  our  departure. 
Judge  of  my  feelings  when  I  found  that  no 
travelling  accommodations  could  be  pro 
cured,  every  departing  train  for  the  coast 
being  crowded  far  beyond  its  customary  ca 
pacity! 

Ah,  Mister  President,  could  I  but  depict 
for  you  the  scenes  that  now  succeeded — the 
congestion  at  the  booking  offices;  the  in 
tense  confusion  prevalent  at  all  the  railroad 
stations;  the  increasing  popular  apprehen 
sion  everywhere  displayed ;  the  martial  yet 


156         Fibble,  D.  D. 

disconcerting  sound  of  troops  on  the  march 
through  the  streets;  the  inability  to  procure 
suitable  means  of  vehicular  transportation 
about  the  city.  In  those  hours  my  nervous 
system  sustained  a  succession  of  shocks  from 
which,  I  fear  me,  I  shall  never  entirely  re 
cover. 

Yet  I  would  not  have  you  believe  that  I 
lost  my  intellectual  poise  and  composure. 
Without,  I  may  have  appeared  distraught; 
within,  my  brain  continued  its  ordained 
functions.  Indeed,  my  mind  operated  with 
a  most  unwonted  celerity.  Scarcely  a  min 
ute  passed  that  some  new  expedient  did 
not  flash  into  my  thoughts;  and  only  the  in 
ability  to  carry  them  out,  due  to  the  preva 
lent  conditions  and  the  obstinacy  of  railroad 
employes  and  others  to  whom  I  appealed, 
prevented  the  immediate  execution  of  a 
considerable  number  of  my  plans. 

Never  for  one  instant  was  my  mind  or  my 
body  inactive.  I  would  not  undertake  to 
compute  the  number  of  miles  I  travelled  on 
foot  that  day  in  going  from  place  to  place 
— from  consular  office  to  ambassadorial 
headquarters,  always  to  find  each  place 


Elsewhere  in  France  157 

densely  thronged  with  assemblages  of  my 
harassed  and  frenzied  fellow  country  peo 
ple;  from  railroad  terminal  to  booking  of 
fice  and  back  again,  or  vice  versa,  as  the  case 
might  be  and  frequently  was;  from  money 
changer's  to  tourist  agency;  from  tourist 
agency  to  hotel,  there  to  offer  hurried  words 
of  comfort  to  my  eight  charges;  and  then  to 
dart  forth  again,  hither  and  yon,  on  some 
well-intentioned  but  entirely  fruitless  er 
rand. 

To  my  ministrations  I  ascribe  the  cheer 
fulness  and  light-heartedness  the  young 
ladies  continued  to  evince  throughout  this 
trying  period.  From  their  demeanour  one 
actually  might  have  imagined  that  they 
lacked  totally  in  appreciation  of  the  gravity 
of  the  situation. 

Not  soon,  if  ever,  shall  I  cease  to  recall 
my  inward  misgivings  when,  late  in  the 
afternoon  of  this  distracting  day,  I  returned 
from  my  third  or  fourth  unsuccessful  call 
at  the  booking  office  to  learn  they  had  dis 
obeyed  my  express  admonition  that  they  re 
main  securely  indoors  during  my  absences. 
The  manager  led  me  to  the  door  of  his  estab- 


158         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

lishment  and  pointed  to  a  spot  on  the  side 
walk  some  number  of  paces  distant.  There 
I  beheld  all  eight  of  them  standing  at  the 
curbing,  giving  vent  to  signs  and  sounds  of 
approval  as  a  column  of  troops  passed  along 
the  boulevard.  I  started  toward  them,  be 
ing  minded  to  chide  them  severely  for  their 
foolhardiness  in  venturing  forth  from  the 
confines  of  the  hotel  without  male  protec 
tion  ;  but,  at  this  juncture,  I  was  caught  un 
awares  in  a  dense  mass  of  boisterous  and  ex 
cited  resident  Parisians,  who  swept  up  sud 
denly  from  behind,  enveloping  me  in  their 
midst. 

Thus  entangled  and  surrounded,  I  was 
borne  on  and  onward,  protesting  as  I  went 
and  endeavouring  by  every  polite  means 
within  my  power  to  extricate  myself  from 
the  press.  Yet,  so  far  as  one  might  observe, 
none  paid  the  slightest  heed  to  one's  request 
for  room  and  air  until  suddenly  the  crowd 
parted,  with  cheers,  and  through  the  open 
ing  my  wards  appeared  led  by  the  Misses 
Flora  Canbee  and  Evelyn  Maud  Peacher, 
the  latter  of  Peoria,  Illinois.  These  two 
accepted  my  outstretched  hands  and,  with 


Elsewhere  in  France  159 

their  aid  and  the  aid  of  the  remaining  six, 
I  managed  to  attain  the  comparatively  safe 
refuge  of  a  near-by  shop  doorway,  but  in  a 
sadly  jostled  state  as  to  one's  nerves  and 
much  disordered  as  to  one's  wardrobe. 
Hearing  my  voice  uplifted  in  entreaty  as  I 
was  carried  by  them,  they  had  nobly  re 
sponded;  and,  because  of  the  impulse  of  the 
throng,  which  accorded  to  frail  maidenhood 
what  was  denied  to  stalwart  masculinity, 
they  had  succeeded  in  reaching  my  side. 

So  great  was  my  relief  at  being  rescued, 
I  forbore  altogether  from  scolding  them; 
and,  besides,  my  thoughts  were  distracted 
into  other  and  even  more  perturbing  chan 
nels  when  a  search  of  my  person  revealed  to 
me  that  unknown  persons  had  taken  advan 
tage  of  the  excitement  of  the  moment  to  in 
vade  my  pockets  and  make  away  with  such 
minor  belongings  as  a  silver  watch,  a  foun 
tain  pen,  a  spectacle  case,  a  slightly  used 
handkerchief,  an  unused  one  carried  for 
emergencies,  and  the  neat  patent-clasp  purse 
in  which  I  customarily  kept  an  amount  of 
small  change  for  casual  purchases.  I  lost 
no  time  in  getting  my  charges  indoors,  for 


160         Fibble,  D.  D. 

it  was  quite  plain  that  there  must  be  thieves 
about. 

In  the  midst  of  all  this  I  despatched  the 
first  of  a  series  of  cablegrams  to  Mr.  Wil 
liam  Jennings  Bryan.  I  realise  now  that  I 
should  have  addressed  you  direct,  but  at  the 
moment  it  seemed  to  me  fitting  that  the  head 
of  our  State  Department  should  be  advised 
of  our  situation. 

From  memory  I  am  able  to  reproduce  the 
language  of  this  first  message.  It  ran : 

Am  detained  here,  with  eight  young  lady 
students  of  Fernbridge  Seminary.  Have 
absolutely  no  desire  to  become  personally 
involved  in  present  European  crisis.  Kind 
ly  notify  American  Ambassador  to  have 
French  Government  provide  special  train 
for  our  immediate  use.  Pressing  and  ur 
gent! 

Having  signed  this  with  my  full  name, 
and  with  my  temporary  address  added,  I 
hastened  with  it  to  the  nearest  cable  office. 
The  official  to  whom  I  tendered  it  appar 
ently  knew  no  English,  but  from  his  man 
ner  I  gathered  that  he  felt  disinclined  to 


Elsewhere  in  France  161 

accept  and  transmit  it.  I  was  in  no  mood 
to  be  thwarted  by  petty  technicalities,  how 
ever,  and  on  my  pressing  into  his  hand  a 
considerable  amount  of  money  in  five-franc 
notes  he  took  both  currency  and  cablegram, 
with  a  shrug  of  his  shoulders,  signifying  ac 
quiescence. 

It  was  because  I  tarried  on  and  on  amid 
tumultuous  scenes  for  another  twenty-four 
hours,  awaiting  the  taking  of  proper  steps 
by  Mr.  Bryan,  that  more  precious  time  was 
lost.  Hour  after  hour,  within  the  refuge  of 
our  hotel  parlour,  itself  a  most  depressing 
chamber,  I  sat,  my  hands  clasped,  my 
charges  clustered  about  me,  our  trunks 
packed,  our  lesser  belongings  bestowed  for 
travel,  awaiting  word  from  him.  None 
came.  I  am  loath  to  make  the  accusation 
direct,  but  I  must  tell  you  that  I  never  had 
from  Mr.  Bryan  any  acknowledgment  of 
this  original  cablegram  or  of  the  other  and 
even  more  insistently  appealing  telegrams 
I  filed  in  rapid  sequence;  nor,  so  far  as  I 
have  been  able  to  ascertain,  did  he  in  the 
least  bestir  himself  on  behalf  of  Fernbridge 
Seminary  for  Young  Ladies. 


162         Fibble,  D.  D. 

Regarding  this  callous  indifference,  this 
official  slothfulness,  this  inability  to  rise  to 
the  needs  of  a  most  pressing  emergency,  I 
refrain  absolutely  from  comment,  leaving 
it  for  you,  sir,  to  judge.  It  would  be  of  no 
avail  for  Mr.  Bryan  to  deny  having  received 
my  messages,  because  in  each  and  every  in 
stance  I  insisted  on  leaving  the  money  to 
pay  for  transmission. 

I  shall  not  harrow  your  sensibilities  by  a 
complete  and  detailed  recital  of  the  nerve- 
racking  adventures  that  immediately  suc 
ceeded.  I  may  only  liken  my  state  of  mind 
to  that  so  graphically  described  in  the  well- 
known  and  popular  story  of  the  uxoricide, 
Bluebeard,  wherein  it  is  told  how  the  vigi 
lant  Anne  stood  on  the  outer  ramparts 
straining  her  eyes  in  the  direction  whither 
succour  might  reasonably  be  expected  to 
materialise,  being  deceived  at  least  once  by 
the  dust  cloud  created  by  a  flock  of  sheep, 
and  tortured  meantime  by  the  melancholy 
accents  of  her  sister,  the  present  wife  of  the 
monster,  who  continually  entreated  to  be 
told  whether  she,  Anne,  saw  any  one  com 
ing. 


Elsewhere  in  France  163 

The  tale  is  probably  imaginary  in  char 
acter  to  a  very  considerable  degree,  though 
based,  I  believe,  on  fact;  but  assuredly  the 
author  depicted  my  own  emotions  in  this 
interim.  One  moment  I  felt  as  one  of  the 
sisters  must  have  felt,  the  next  as  the  other 
sister  must  have  felt;  and,  again,  I  shared 
the  composite  emotions  of  both  at  once,  not 
to  mention  the  feelings  probably  inherent  in 
the  shepherd  of  the  flock,  since  my  wards 
might  well  be  likened,  I  thought,  to  help 
less  young  sheep.  By  this  comparison  I  mean 
no  disrespect;  the  simile  is  employed  be 
cause  of  its  aptness  and  for  no  other  reason. 
It  would  ill  become  me,  of  all  men,  to  refer 
slightingly  to  any  of  our  student-body,  we 
at  Fernbridge  making  it  our  policy  ever  to 
receive  only  the  daughters  of  families  hav 
ing  undoubted  social  standing  in  their  re 
spective  communities.  I  trust  this  explana 
tion  is  entirely  satisfactory  to  all  concerned. 

Let  us  go  forward,  Mister  President,  to 
the  moment  when,  after  many  false  alarms, 
many  alternations  of  hope,  of  doubt,  of  de 
spair,  then  hope  again,  we  finally  found  our 
selves  aboard  a  train  ostensibly  destined  for 


164         Fibble,  D.  D. 

Boulogne  or  Calais;  albeit  a  train  of  the 
most  inferior  accommodations  conceivable 
and  crowded  to  the  utmost  by  unhappy  trav 
ellers,  among  whom  fleeing  Americans 
vastly  predominated.  Our  heavy  luggage 
was  left  behind  us,  abandoned  to  unsympa 
thetic  hands.  Of  food  seemly  to  allay  the 
natural  cravings  of  the  human  appetite 
there  was  little  or  none  to  be  had,  even  at 
augmented  prices.  Actually  one  might  not 
procure  so  small  a  thing  as  a  cup  of  tea. 

My  trunk,  my  neatly  strapped  steamer 
rug,  my  large  yellow  valise,  and  sundry 
smaller  articles,  were  gone,  I  knew  not 
whither.  I  did  but  know  they  had  vanished 
utterly;  wherefore  I  adhered  with  the 
clutch  of  desperation  to  my  umbrella  and 
my  small  black  portmanteau.  Even  my 
collection  of  assorted  souvenir  postcards  of 
European  views,  whereof  I  had  contem 
plated  making  an  albumed  gift  to  my  Great- 
Aunt  Paulina,  on  my  return  to  my  beloved 
native  land,  was  irretrievably  lost  to  me  for 
ever. 

Still,  we  moved — haltingly  and  slowly,  it 
is  true,  and  with  frequent  stoppages.  None 


Elsewhere  in  France  165 

the  less,  we  moved;  progress  was  definitely 
being  made  in  the  direction  of  the  seaboard, 
and  in  contemplation  of  this  fact  one  found 
an  infinitesimal  measure  of  consolation, 
gleaming,  so  to  speak,  against  a  dark  cloud 
of  forebodings,  like  one  lone  starry  orb  in 
a  storm-envisaged  firmament.  During  the 
early  part  of  our  journey  I  could  not  fail 
to  give  heed  to  the  amazing  attitude  main 
tained  by  the  young  ladies.  Repeatedly,  as 
we  paused  on  a  siding  to  permit  the  passage 
of  a  laden  troop  train,  I  detected  them  in 
the  act  of  waving  hand  or  kerchief  at  the 
soldiery. 

And  once  I  actually  overheard  Miss 
Marble  remark  to  Miss  Canbee  that  she,  for 
one,  was  sorry  we  were  going  away  from 
hostilities  rather  than  toward  them.  One 
could  scarce  credit  one's  ears!  Could  it  be 
true,  as  students  of  psychology  have  re 
peatedly  affirmed,  that  the  spirit  of  youth 
is  unquenchable,  even  in  the  presence  of 
impending  peril?  Or,  had  my  own  precept 
and  example  stimulated  these  young  women 
into  a  display  of  seeming  light-heartedness? 
Perhaps  both — certainly  the  latter.  As  for 


166         Fibble,  D.  D. 

me,  my  one  consuming  thought  now  was 
to  bid  farewell  forever  to  the  shores  of  a 
land  where  war  is  permitted  to  eventuate 
with  such  abruptness  and  with  so  little  con 
sideration  for  visiting  noncombatants.  To 
those  about  me  I  made  no  secret  of  my  desire 
in  this  regard,  speaking  with  such  intensity 
as  to  produce  a  quavering  of  the  voice. 

Certain  decided  views,  entirely  in  accord 
ance  with  my  own,  were  so  succinctly  ex 
pressed  by  a  gentleman  who  shared  the  com 
partment  into  which  I  was  huddled  with 
some  eight  or  nine  others  that  I  cannot  for 
bear  from  repeating  them  here. 

This  gentleman,  a  Mr.  John  K.  Botts,  of 
Pittsburgh,  Pennsylvania,  and  evidently  a 
person  of  much  wealth  and  no  small  impor 
tance  in  his  home  city,  said  things  had  come 
to  a  pretty  pass  when  a  freeborn  American 
citizen  who  had  been  coming  to  Europe 
every  summer  for  years,  always  spending 
his  money  like  water  and  never  asking  the 
price  of  anything  in  advance,  but  just  plank 
ing  down  whatever  the  grafters  wanted  for 
it,  should  have  his  motor  car  confiscated  and 
his  trunks  held  up  on  him  and  his  plans  all 


Elsewhere  in  France  167 

disarranged,  just  because  a  lot  of  these  for 
eigners  thought  they  wanted  to  fight  one 
another  over  something.  He  said  that  he 
had  actually  been  threatened  with  arrest  by 
a  measly  army  captain  whom  he,  Mr.  Botts, 
could  buy  and  sell  a  hundred  times  over 
without  ever  feeling  it.  He  was  strongly  in 
favour  of  wiring  our  Government  to  order 
the  warring  nations  to  suspend  hostilities 
until  all  the  Americans  in  Europe  could  get 
back  home,  and  mentioned  thirty  days  as 
a  suitable  time  for  this  purpose. 

With  regard  to  this  last  suggestion  I 
heartily  concurred;  and  my  second  cable 
gram  to  Mr.  Bryan,  filed  while  en  route, 
embodied  the  thought,  for  which  I  now 
wish  to  give  Mr.  John  K.  Botts  due  credit 
as  its  creator.  To  insure  prompt  delivery 
into  Mr.  Bryan's  hands,  I  sent  the  message 
in  duplicate,  one  copy  being  addressed  to 
him  at  the  State  Department,  in  Washing 
ton,  and  the  other  in  care  of  the  Silvery 
Bells  Lecture  and  Chautauqua  Bureau,  in 
the  event  that  he  might  be  on  the  platform 
rather  than  at  his  desk. 

I  should  have  asked  Mr.  Botts  to  sign  the 


168         Fibble,  D.  D. 

cablegrams  with  me  jointly  but  for  the  fact 
that  after  the  first  two  hours  of  travel  he 
was  no  longer  with  us.  He  left  the  train  at 
a  way  station  a  few  miles  from  Paris,  with 
a  view,  as  he  announced,  to  chartering  a  spe 
cial  train  from  the  military  forces  to  con 
vey  him,  regardless  of  expense,  to  his  des 
tination,  and  failed  to  return.  Days  elapsed 
before  I  learned  through  roundabout 
sources  that  he  had  been  detained  in  quasi 
custody  because  of  a  groundless  suspicion 
on  the  part  of  the  native  authorities  that  he 
was  mildly  demented,  though  how  such  a 
theory  could  have  been  harboured  by  any 
one  is,  I  admit,  entirely  beyond  my  com 
prehension. 

Nightfall  loomed  imminent  when  we 
reached  the  town  of  Abbevilliers,  a  place  of 
approximately  twenty  thousand  inhabitants. 
In  happier  and  less  chaotic  times  one  might 
have  spent  a  pleasant  and  profitable  day,  or 
perhaps  two  days,  in  Abbevilliers,  for  here, 
so  the  guidebook  informed  me,  was  to  be 
found  a  Gothic  cathedral  of  the  fifteenth 
and  sixteenth  centuries,  an  ancient  fortress, 
and  a  natural  history  collection;  but  now 


Elsewhere  in  France  169 

my  ambition  was  to  pass  Abbevilliers  by 
with  the  greatest  possible  despatch. 

Yet,  what  was  one  to  do  when  soldiers 
in  uniform  and  led  by  officers  entered  the 
train  and  required  the  passengers  to  vacate 
forthwith,  on  the  excuse  that  the  coaches 
were  required  for  the  transportation  of 
troops?  Protests  were  presented,  but  all  to 
no  avail,  the  officers  remaining  obdurate 
in  the  face  of  entreaties,  objurgations,  and 
even  offers  of  money  by  a  number  of  in 
dividuals  hailing  from  various  sections  of 
the  United  States  and  elsewhere.  We  de 
trained  ;  there  was,  in  fact,  no  other  course 
left  to  us. 

Pausing  at  the  station  long  enough  to 
indite  and  leave  behind  a  cablegram  ac 
quainting  Mr.  Bryan  with  this  newest  out 
rage,  I  set  forth,  with  my  eight  clustering 
wards,  to  find  suitable  quarters  for  the  night. 
We  visited  hotel  after  hotel,  to  be  met  every 
where  with  the  statement  that  each  already 
was  full  to  overflowing  with  refugees.  At 
last,  spent  and  discouraged,  I  obtained  shel 
ter  for  my  little  expedition  beneath  the 
roof  of  a  small  and  emphatically  untidy 


170         Fibble,  D.  D. 

establishment  on  the  shores  of  that  turbid 
stream,  the  River  Somme.  For  the  accom 
modation  of  the  young  ladies  two  small 
rooms  were  available,  but  to  my  profound 
distaste  I  was  informed  that  I  must  sleep 
through  the  night  on — hear  this,  Mister 
President! — on  a  billiard  table! 

I  had  never  slept  on  a  billiard  table  be 
fore.  Willingly,  I  shall  never  do  so  again. 
Moreover,  I  was  not  permitted  to  have  an 
entire  billiard  table  to  myself.  I  was  com 
pelled  to  share  it  with  two  other  persons, 
both  total  strangers  to  me. 

I  must  qualify  that  last  assertion;  for  one 
of  my  bedfellows — or  table-fellows,  to  em 
ploy  exact  language — lost  no  time  in  in 
forming  me  regarding  himself  and  his  his 
tory.  Despite  the  hardness  of  my  impro 
vised  couch,  I  fain  would  have  relinquished 
myself  to  Nature's  sweet  restorer — that  is, 
slumber — for  I  was  greatly  awearied  by  the 
exertions  of  the  day;  but  this  gentleman, 
who  was  of  enormous  physical  proportions, 
evinced  so  strong  an  inclination  to  have  con 
verse  with  me  that  I  felt  it  the  part  of  dis- 


Elsewhere  in  France  111 

cretion,  and  of  politeness  as  well,  to  give 
ear. 

Speaking  in  a  quaint  and  at  times  almost 
incomprehensible  vernacular,  he  began  by 
telling  me  as  we  reclined  side  by  side  be 
neath  the  same  coverlid  that  he  was  no  other 
than  Zeno  the  Great.  He  then  paused,  as 
though  to  allow  me  time  in  which  to  recover 
from  any  astonishment  I  might  feel.  In 
sooth,  I  had  never  before  heard  of  any  per 
son  wearing  so  singular  an  appellation ;  but, 
realising  instinctively  that  some  response 
from  me  was  expected,  I  murmured,  "Ah, 
indeed !  How  very  interesting  I"  and  begged 
him  to  proceed. 

This  he  straightway  did,  paying  no  heed 
to  the  muttered  complaints  of  our  third 
companion,  who  reclined  on  the  other  side 
from  me,  I  being  in  the  middle.  Since  our 
fortunes  were  thereafter  to  be  so  strangely 
intertwined,  I  deem  it  best  to  detail  in  effect 
the  disclosures  then  and  there  made  to  me 
by  this  gentleman,  Zeno  the  Great. 

His  name,  it  developed,  was  not  Zeno, 
but  Finnigan,  the  more  sonorous  cogno 
men  having  been  adopted  for  professional 


172         Fibble,  D.  D. 

purposes.  He  had  begun  life  humbly,  as  a 
blacksmith's  assistant  in  a  hamlet  in  Michi 
gan,  later  attaching  himself  to  a  trav 
elling  circus.  Here  his  duties  mainly  con 
sisted  in  lending  assistance  in  the  elevating 
and  lowering  of  the  tent.  Possessing  great 
bodily  strength  and  activity,  however,  he 
had  in  spare  time  perfected  himself  in  the 
art  of  lifting,  balancing  and  juggling  ob 
jects  of  enormous  weight,  such  as  steel  bars, 
iron  balls,  and  so  on,  with  the  gratifying 
result  that  he  presently  became  a  duly  quali 
fied  performer,  appearing  for  a  term  of 
years  before  large  and  enthusiastic  audi 
ences,  and  everywhere  with  the  most  marked 
success  imaginable;  in  fact,  he  was  now 
without  a  peer  in  his  chosen  vocation,  as 
he  himself  freely  conceded.  He  expressed 
himself  as  being  exceedingly  sorry  not  to 
have  with  him  a  scrapbook  containing  a 
great  number  of  press  clippings  laudatory 
of  his  achievements,  adding  that  he  would 
have  been  glad  to  lend  me  the  book  in  order 
that  I  might  read  its  entire  contents  at  my 
leisure. 

At  length  his  fame,  having  first  spread 


Elsewhere  in  France  173 

the  length  and  breadth  of  our  own  country, 
reached  foreign  shores.  After  spirited  bid 
ding  on  the  part  of  practically  all  the  lead 
ing  Continental  managers  he  accepted  an 
engagement  at  a  princely  salary  to  perform 
before  the  crowned  heads  of  Europe,  and 
others,  as  the  principal  attraction  of  a  vaude 
ville  company  contemplating  a  tour  of 
Europe.  I  recall  that  he  specifically  men 
tioned  crowned  heads.  Feeling  that  the  im 
portance  of  the  event  justified  a  lavishness 
in  the  matter  of  personal  garb,  he  said  that 
before  sailing  he  had  visited  the  establish 
ment  of  a  famous  costumer  located  on  the 
Bowery,  in  the  city  of  New  York,  and  there 
had  purchased  attire  suitable  to  be  worn 
on  the  occasion  of  his  public  appearances 
abroad. 

This  apparel,  he  admitted,  had  under 
gone  some  wear,  as  the  property  of  a  pre 
vious  owner,  being,  in  fact,  what  is  known 
as  second-handed;  but,  because  of  its  effec 
tiveness  of  design  and  the  fortunate  circum 
stance  of  its  being  a  perfect  fit,  he  had  not 
hesitated  to  purchase  it.  I  ask  you,  Mister 
President,  to  mark  well  this  detail,  for  it, 


174          Fibble,  D.  D. 

too,  has  a  profoundly  significant  bearing  on 
future  events. 

Continuing,  my  new  acquaintance  stated 
that  he  had  reached  France  but  a  day  or 
two  before  the  mobilisation  and,  like  myself, 
had  been  hurled  unexpectedly  into  a  very 
vortex  of  chaos  and  confusion.  He  had  lost 
a  collection  of  photographs  of  himself,  and 
his  treasured  scrapbook — losses  that  he  re 
gretted  exceedingly;  but  he  had  clung  fast 
to  his  stage  attire  and  to  his  juggling  appli 
ances,  bearing  them  away  with  him  by  hand 
from  Paris.  He  was  now  endeavouring  to 
make  his  way  back  to  England,  intending 
to  return  thence  to  America  without  loss 
of  time. 

This  narration  consumed,  I  presume,  the 
greater  part  of  two  hours,  I,  meantime,  en 
deavouring  to  conceal  any  signs  of  increas 
ing  drowsiness.  He  was,  I  think,  nearing 
the  conclusion  of  his  tale  when  the  porter 
of  the  hotel  appeared  before  us  in  the  semi- 
gloom  in  which  the  billiard  room  was 
shrouded.  Observing  that  we  were  yet 
awake,  he  gave  vent  to  an  extended  state 
ment,  ejaculating  with  great  volubility  and 


Elsewhere  in  France  175 

many  gesticulations  of  eyebrow,  hand  and 
shoulder.  The  French  in  which  he  de 
claimed  was  of  so  corrupted  a  form  that 
one  could  not  understand  him;  and,  since 
one  of  my  neighbours  was  now  soundly 
asleep  and  the  other  knew  no  French,  we 
were  at  a  loss  to  get  on  until  the  porter  had 
recourse  to  an  improvised  sign  language. 

Producing  a  watch  he  pointed  to  the  Ro 
man  numeral  VII  on  its  face  and  then,  emit 
ting  a  hissing  sound  from  between  his  front 
teeth,  he  imparted  to  his  hands  a  rapid  cir 
cular  motion,  as  though  imitating  the  stir 
ring  of  some  mixture.  At  once  we  agreed 
between  our  two  selves  that  this  strange 
demonstration  had  reference,  firstly  to  the 
hour  when  breakfast  would  be  served  on 
the  following  morning,  and,  secondly,  to  the 
articles  of  drink  and  food  which  would  be 
available  for  our  consumption  at  that  time. 

Accordingly  I  nodded,  saying:  "Out, 
out;  }e  comprends."  And  at  that,  seemingly 
satisfied,  the  worthy  fellow  withdrew,  all 
smiles.  Shortly  thereafter  we  drifted  off 
to  sleep  and  I  knew  no  more  until  I  was 
roused  by  the  brilliant  rays  of  the  August 


176         Fibble,  D.  D. 

sun  shining  in  my  face  and  rose  to  a  sitting 
attitude,  to  find  that  the  third  man  had  al 
ready  departed,  leaving  to  Zeno  the  Great 
and  myself  the  complete  occupancy  of  the 
billiard  table. 

As  I  straightened  to  my  full  stature,  with 
my  limbs  aching  and  my  whole  corporeal 
frame  much  stiffened  by  enforced  contact 
during  a  period  of  hours  with  the  compara 
tively  unyielding  surface  of  the  billiard  ta 
ble,  I  made  another  discovery,  highly  dis 
concerting  in  its  nature.  Ere  retiring  to 
rest  I  had  placed  my  shoes  side  by  side  be 
neath  the  table.  It  was  now  evident  that 
while  I  slept  some  person  or  persons  un 
known  to  me  had  removed  them.  I  hy 
pothesised  this  deduction  from  the  fact  that 
they  were  quite  utterly  gone.  A  thorough 
scrutiny  of  my  surroundings,  which  I  con 
ducted  with  the  aid  of  my  late  sleeping  com 
panion,  merely  served  to  confirm  this  be 
lief,  the  search  being  bootless.  I  have  no 
intention  of  making  a  pun  here.  Puns  are 
to  me  vulgar,  and  hence  odious.  I  mean 
bootless  in  the  proper  sense  of  the  word. 

Balancing  myself  on  the  marge  or  verge 


FROM  ITS  DEPTHS  I  EXTRACTED  THE  PARTING  QIFTS  BE 
STOWED  UPON  ME  BY  MY  GREAT-AUNT  PAULINA 


Elsewhere  in  France  177 

of  the  billiard  table — for  the  tiled  surface 
of  the  floor  had  imparted  a  sense  of  chill  to 
my  half-soled  feet  and  already  I  was  begin 
ning  to  repress  incipient  sneezes — I  called 
aloud,  and  yet  again  I  called.  There  was 
no  response.  A  sense  of  the  undignifiedness 
of  my  attitude  came  to  me.  I  opened  my 
remaining  portmanteau,  which  had  served 
me  as  a  pillow — and  such  a  pillow!  From 
its  depths  I  extracted  the  parting  gifts  be 
stowed  upon  me  by  my  Great- Aunt  Paulina 
and  adjusted  them  to  my  chilled  extremities. 
Ah,  little  had  she  recked,  as  her  deft  fingers 
wove  the  several  skeins  of  wool  into  the  fin 
ished  fabric,  that  under  such  circumstances 
as  these,  in  such  a  place  as  this,  and  almost 
within  sound  of  war's  dread  alarums,  I 
should  now  wear  them ! 

I  was  reminded  that  I  craved  food  and 
I  mentioned  the  thought  to  Mr.  Finnigan — 
or,  as  I  shall  call  him,  Zeno  the  Great.  It 
appeared  that  he,  too,  was  experiencing  a 
similar  natural  longing,  for  his  manner  in 
stantly  became  exuberantly  cordial.  For  all 
his  massiveness  of  contour  and  boisterous 
manner  of  speech,  I  felt  that  this  new-made 


178         Fibble,  D.  D. 

friend  of  mine  had  a  warm  heart.  He  dealt 
me  an  unnecessarily  violent  but  affectionate 
blow  between  the  shoulders,  and  as  I  reeled 
from  the  shock,  gasping  for  breath,  he  cried 
out  in  his  uncouth  but  kindly  way: 

"Little  one,  that's  a  swell  idea — let's  you 
and  me  go  to  it!"  Note — By  it,  he  un 
doubtedly  meant  breakfast. 

With  these  words  he  lifted  his  luggage 
consisting  of  a  large  black  box  securely 
bound  with  straps  and  padlocked  as  to  the 
hasp,  telling  me  at  the  same  time  that  he 
doubted  whether  any  human  being  in  the 
world  save  himself  could  stir  it  from  the 
floor;  for,  as  he  vouchsafed,  it  contained  not 
only  his  costume  but  also  a  set  of  juggling 
devices  of  solid  iron,  weighing  in  the  aggre 
gate  an  incredible  number  of  pounds.  I 
have  forgotten  the  exact  figures,  but  my 
recollection  is  that  he  said  upward  of  a 
thousand  pounds  net.  As  he  shouldered  this 
mighty  burden  he  remarked  to  me  over  his 
shoulder: 

"I  guess  I'm  bad— eh?" 

However,  as  I  have  just  explained  and 
now  reiterate,  I  am  convinced  he  was  not 


Elsewhere  in  France  179 

bad  at  all,  but  good  at  bottom;  so  I  con 
tented  myself  by  saying: 

"No,  no;  quite  the  contrary,  I  am  sure." 
As  we  emerged  from  the  billiard  room 
into  the  small  entrance  hall  or  lobby  that 
adjoined  it,  I  was  struck  with  the  air  of 
silence  which  prevailed.  The  proprietor 
was  not  visible;  no  other  person  was  visible. 
Once  more  I  called  out,  saying:  "Hello, 
my  good  man!  Where  are  you?"  or  words 
to  that  effect;  but  only  echo  answered.  I 
fared  to  the  dining  room,  but  not  a  living 
soul  was  in  sight  there.  Beset  by  a  sudden 
dread  suspicion  I  hastily  ascended  the  stairs 
to  the  upper  floor  and  sped  through  an 
empty  corridor  to  the  two  rooms  wherein 
my  eight  wards  had  been  lodged.  The 
doors  of  both  chambers  stood  open;  but  the 
interiors,  though  showing  signs  of  recent 
occupancy,  were  deserted.  I  even  explored 
the  closets — no  one  there,  either!  Conjec 
ture  was  succeeded  by  alarm  and  alarm  by 
outright  distress. 

Where  had  they  gone?  Where  had  every 
body  gone?  Unbidden  and  unanswered, 
these  questions  leaped  to  my  bewildered 


180          Fibble,  D.  D. 

brain,  firing  it  with  horrible  forebodings. 

Sounds  of  loud  and  excited  outcry  came 
reverberatively  to  me  from  below.  With 
all  possible  speed  I  retraced  my  steps  to 
the  entrance  hall.  There  I  beheld  the  pro 
prietor  in  close  physical  contact  with  Zeno 
the  Great,  striving  with  all  his  powers  to 
restrain  the  infuriated  latter  from  com 
mitting  a  bodily  assault  on  the  frightened 
porter,  who  apparently  had  just  entered  by 
the  street  door  and  was  cowering  in  a  corner 
in  an  attitude  of  supplication,  loudly  ap 
pealing  for  mercy,  while  the  landlord  in 
broken  English  was  all  the  time  pleading 
with  the  giant  to  remain  tranquil. 

Into  the  midst  of  the  struggle  I  inter 
posed  myself,  and  when  a  measure  of  calm 
had  been  re-established  I  learned  the  lamen 
table  and  stunning  truth.  Stupefied,  dazed 
and,  for  the  nonce,  speechless,  I  stared  from 
one  to  the  other,  unwilling  to  credit  my  own 
sense  of  hearing. 

At  seven  of  the  clock  a  special  train  had 
steamed  away  for  Calais,  bearing  the  refu 
gees.  The  proprietor  and  his  minion  had 
but  just  returned  from  the  station,  whence 


Elsewhere  in  France  181 

the  train  had  departed  a  short  half  hour 
before.  Aboard  it  were  the  Americans  who 
had  been  stranded  in  Abbevilliers  on  the 
evening  previous.  My  eight  young  lady 
seniors  were  aboard  it,  doubtlessly  assum 
ing,  in  the  haste  and  confusion  of  the  start, 
that  I  had  found  lodgment  in  some  other 
compartment  than  the  one  occupied  by 
them. 

All  the  recent  guests  of  this  hotel  were 
aboard  it — with  two  exceptions.  One  was 
Zeno  the  Great;  the  other  the  author  of  this 
distressing  narrative. 

With  one  voice  we  demanded  to  know 
why  we,  too,  had  not  been  advised  in  ad 
vance.  The  proprietor  excitedly  declared 
that  he  had  sent  the  porter  to  make  the 
rounds  of  the  house  during  the  night  and 
that  the  porter  returning  to  him,  reported 
that,  either  by  word  of  mouth  or  by  signs, 
he  had  duly  informed  all  of  the  plans  afoot 
for  the  ensuing  morning. 

"He  tell  me  zat  ze  billiard-table  gentle- 
mans  do  not  understand  ze  French,"  pro 
claimed  the  landlord ;  "and  zat  zen  he  make 
wit'  'is  mouth  and  'is  hands  ze  representa- 


182        Ftbble,  D.  D. 

tion  of  ze  chemin  de  fer — what  you  call  ze 
locomoteef ;  and  zen  you  say  to  him:  'Yes, 
yes — all  is  well;  we  comprehend  fully.' ' 

With  a  low,  poignant  moan  I  pressed  my 
hands,  palms  inward,  to  my  throbbing  tem 
ples  and  staggered  for  support  against  the 
nearermost  wall.  I  saw  it  all  now.  When 
the  porter  had  emitted  those  hissing  sounds 
from  between  his  teeth  we  very  naturally 
interpreted  them  as  an  effort  on  his  part  to 
simulate  the  sound  produced  by  steaming- 
hot  breakfast  coffee.  When,  in  a  circular 
fashion,  he  rotated  his  hand  we  thought 
he  meant  scrambled  eggs.  Between  wonder 
at  the  incredible  stupidity  of  the  porter  and 
horror  at  the  situation  of  my  eight  unpro 
tected  and  defenceless  young  lady  seniors, 
now  separated  from  me  by  intervening  and 
rapidly  increasing  miles,  I  was  rent  by  con 
flicting  emotions  until  reason  tottered  on  her 
throne. 

Anon  I  recovered  myself,  and  the  intel 
lectual  activity  habitual  to  the  trained  mind 
succeeded  the  coma  of  shock.  I  asked  this: 
"When  will  there  be  another  train  for  the 
coast?"  With  many  shrugs  the  landlord 


Elsewhere  in  France  183 

answered  that  conditions  were  unsettled — 
as  we  knew;  schedules  were  disarranged. 
There  might  be  a  train  to-night,  to-mor 
row,  or  the  day  after — who  could  say? 
Meantime  he  felt  that  it  was  his  duty  to 
warn  us  to  prepare  for  a  visit  by  a  joint 
representation  of  the  civic  and  military  au 
thorities.  Rumours  of  the  presence  of  spies 
in  the  employ  of  the  Germans  filled  the 
town.  It  was  believed  that  one  miscreant 
was  even  then  in  the  place  seeking  an  op 
portunity  to  destroy  the  public  buildings 
and  the  railroad  terminal  with  bombs  or 
other  devilish  machines.  Excitement  was 
intense.  Aliens  were  to  be  put  under  sur 
veillance  and  domiciliary  search  had  been 
ordered.  It  was  even  possible  that  all 
strangers  might  be  arrested  on  suspicion  and 
detained  for  further  investigation. 

Arrested!  Detained!  His  words  sent  a 
cold  chill  into  the  very  marrow  of  my  being. 
Innocent  of  all  evil  intent  though  I  was,  I 
now  recalled  that  on  the  day  before,  while 
in  mixed  company,  I  had  spoken  openly — 
perhaps  bitterly — of  the  temperamental 
shortcomings  of  the  French.  What  if  my 


184        Fibble,  D.  D. 

language  should  be  distorted,  my  motives 
misconstrued?  In  the  present  roused  and 
frenzied  state  of  a  proverbially  excitable 
race  the  most  frightful  mistakes  were  pos 
sible. 

There  was  but  one  thing  to  do :  I  must 
wire  our  Secretary  of  State,  apprising  him 
of  the  exact  situation  in  Abbevilliers  with 
particular  reference  to  my  own  plight,  and 
strongly  urging  on  him  the  advisability  of 
instantly  ordering  a  fleet  of  American  bat 
tleships  to  the  coast  of  France,  there  to  make 
a  demonstration  in  force.  With  me,  to  think 
has  ever  been  to  act.  I  begged  the  landlord 
for  pen  and  ink  and  cable  blanks  and,  sit 
ting  down  at  a  convenient  table,  I  began. 
However,  I  cannot  ask  that  Mr.  Bryan  be 
called  to  account  for  his  failure  to  respond 
to  this  particular  recommendation  from  me, 
inasmuch  as  the  cablegram  was  never  de 
spatched;  in  fact,  it  was  never  completed, 
owing  to  a  succession  of  circumstances  I 
shall  next  describe. 

Because  of  an  agitation  that  I  ascribe  to 
the  intense  earnestness  now  dominating  me 
I  encountered  some  slight  difficulty  in  f  ram- 


Elsewhere  in  France  185 

ing  the  message  in  intelligible  language  and 
a  legible  chirography.  I  had  torn  up  the 
first  half-completed  draft  and  was  engaged 
on  the  opening  paragraph  of  the  second 
when  the  clamour  of  a  fresh  altercation  fell 
on  my  ear,  causing  me  to  glance  up  from  my 
task.  The  porter,  it  appeared,  had  laid 
hands  on  Zeno  the  Great's  black  box,  pos 
sibly  with  a  view  to  shifting  it  from  where 
it  lay  on  the  floor  directly  in  the  doorway; 
whereupon  its  owner  became  seized  with  a 
veritable  berserk  rage.  Uttering  loud  cries 
and  denunciations  he  fell  on  the  porter  and 
wrested  the  box  from  his  grasp ;  following 
which  the  porter  fled  into  the  street,  being 
immediately  lost  from  view  in  the  distance. 
Turning  to  me,  Zeno  the  Great  was  in  the 
midst  of  saying  that,  though  bereft  of  his 
scrapbook  of  clippings  and  his  set  of  photo 
graphs,  he  hoped  to  be  eternally  consigned 
to  perdition — his  meaning  if  not  his  exact 
phraseology — if  anybody  got  away  with  the 
even  more  precious  belongings  yet  remain 
ing  to  him,  when  nearing  sounds  of  hurry 
ing  feet  and  many  shrill  voices  from  with 
out  caused  him  to  break  off. 


186        Fibble,  D.  D. 

In  apprehension,  more  or  less  success 
fully  concealed  from  casual  scrutiny,  I  rose 
to  my  feet.  At  the  same  instant  the  porter 
precipitately  re-entered,  closely  followed  by 
six  gendarmes,  eight  foot  soldiers,  a  per 
sonage  in  a  high  hat,  whom  I  afterward  as 
certained  to  be  the  mayor,  and  a  mixed  as 
semblage  of  citizens  of  both  sexes  and  all 
ages,  amounting  in  the  aggregate  to  a  multi 
tude  of  not  inconsiderable  proportions. 
Agitating  his  arms  with  inconceivable  ac 
tivity  and  crying  out  words  of  unknown  pur 
port  at  the  top  of  his  lungs,  the  porter 
pointed  accusingly  at  Zeno,  at  the  locked 
box,  at  me ! 

For  the  moment  I  was  left  unmolested. 
With  loud  and  infuriated  cries  the  gen 
darmes  threw  themselves  on  the  black  box. 
The  foot  soldiers  hurled  themselves  on  Zeno 
the  Great,  precipitating  him  to  the  floor, 
and  quite  covering  him  up  beneath  a  quiv 
ering  and  straining  mass  of  human  forms. 
The  mayor  tripped  over  a  stool  and  fell 
prone.  The  populace  gave  vent  to  shrill 
outcries.  In  short  and  in  fine,  I  may  affirm, 


Elsewhere  in  France  187 

without  fear  of  successful  contradiction, 
that  chaos  reigned  supreme. 

One  felt  that  the  time  had  come  to  assert 
one's  sovereign  position  as  an  American 
citizen  and,  if  need  be,  as  a  member  of  a 
family  able  to  trace  its  genealogy  in  an  un 
broken  line  to  the  landing  of  the  Pilgrim 
Fathers  at  or  near  Plymouth  Rock,  Massa 
chusetts.  I  drew  forth  from  my  pocket  the 
small  translating  manual,  previously  de 
scribed  as  containing  English  and  French 
sentences  of  similar  purport  arranged  in 
parallel  columns,  and,  holding  it  in  one 
hand,  I  endeavoured  to  advance  to  the  cen 
tre  of  the  turmoil,  with  my  free  arm  mean 
time  uplifted  in  a  gesture  calling  for  silence 
and  attention;  but  a  variety  of  causes  coin- 
cidentally  transpired  to  impede  seriously 
my  efforts  to  be  heard. 

To  begin  with,  the  uproar  was  positively 
deafening  in  volume,  and  my  voice  is  one 
which  in  moments  of  declamation  is  inclined 
to  verge  on  the  tenor.  In  addition  to  this, 
the  complete  freedom  of  my  movements 
was  considerably  impaired  by  a  burly 
whiskered  creature,  in  a  long  blouse  such  as 


188        Fibble,  D.  D. 

is  worn  in  these  parts  by  butchers  and  other 
tradespeople,  who,  coming  on  me  from  be 
hind,  fixed  a  firm  grasp  in  the  back  of  my 
garments  at  the  same  instant  when  one  of  his 
fellows  possessed  himself  of  my  umbrella 
and  my  small  portmanteau. 

Finally,  I  could  not  locate  in  the  book  the 
exact  phrases  I  meant  to  utter.  Beneath 
my  eyes,  as  the  printed  leaves  fluttered 
back  and  forth,  there  flashed  paragraphs 
dealing  with  food,  with  prices  of  various 
articles,  with  the  state  of  the  weather,  with 
cab  fares,  with  conjectures  touching  on  the 
whereabouts  of  imaginary  relatives,  with 
questions  and  answers  in  regard  to  the 
arrival  and  departure  of  trains,  but  nothing 
at  all  concerning  unfounded  suspicions 
directed  against  private  individuals;  noth 
ing  at  all  concerning  the  inherent  rights 
of  strangers  travelling  abrpad;  nothing  at 
all  concerning  the  procedure  presumed  to 
obtain  among  civilised  peoples  as  to  the 
inviolate  sacredness  of  one's  personal  prop 
erty  from  sumptuary  and  violent  search 
at  the  hands  of  unauthorised  persons — in 
short,  nothing  at  all  that  would  have  the 


Elsewhere  in  France  189 

slightest  bearing  on,  or  be  of  the  slightest 
value  in  explaining,  the  present  acute  sit 
uation.  Given  a  modicum  of  leisure  for 
painstaking  search  among  the  pages  and  a 
lessening  of  tensity  in  the  state  of  the  popu 
lar  excitement,  I  should  undoubtedly  have 
succeeded  in  finding  that  which  I  sought; 
but  such  was  destined  not  to  be. 

Of  a  sudden  a  chorus  of  exultant  shrieks, 
louder  than  any  of  the  cries  that  until  then 
had  arisen,  caused  all  and  sundry  to  face 
a  spot  near  the  door.  The  gendarmes  had 
forced  open  the  black  box  so  highly  prized 
by  Zeno  the  Great  and  now  bared  its  con 
tents  to  the  common  gaze. 

Mister  President,  think  of  the  result  on 
the  minds  of  the  mob  already  inflamed  by 
stories  of  spies  and  infernal  devices.  The 
box  contained  six  cannon  balls  and  a  Ger 
man  captain's  uniform! 

Ah,  sir,  how  many  times  since  then, 
dreaming  in  my  peaceful  bed  of  the  things 
that  immediately  ensued,  have  I  wakened 
to  find  my  extremities  icy  cold  and  my  body 
bathed  in  an  icy  moisture!  Yet,  in  my  wak 
ing  hours,  whene'er  I  seek  mentally  to  re- 


190        Fibble,  D.  D. 

construct  those  hideous  scenes  I  marvel  that 
I  should  preserve  so  confused,  so  inchoate 
a  recollection  of  it  all,  though  from  the 
picture  certain  episodes  stand  out  in  all  their 
original  and  terrifying  vividness. 

Again  do  I  hear  the  maledictions  of  the 
frenzied  populace;  again  do  I  behold  their 
menacing  faces,  their  threatening  gestures. 
Again,  with  pitying  and  sympathetic  eyes, 
do  I  see  myself  hurried  through  the  streets, 
a  breathless  prisoner,  hatless,  coatless — for 
my  coat  came  away  in  the  hands  of  the 
whiskered  wretch  in  the  blouse — deprived 
through  forcible  confiscation  of  my  trans 
lating  manual,  by  means  of  which  I  might 
yet  have  made  all  clear  to  my  accusers,  and 
still  wearing  on  my  sorely  trampled  feet  the 
parting  gift  of  Great- Aunt  Paulina.  Again 
am  I  carried  for  arraignment  before  a 
mixed  tribunal  in  a  crowded  room  of  some 
large  building  devoted  in  ordinary  times,  I 
presume,  to  civic  purposes. 

The  trial  scene — how  clearly  do  I  envis 
age  that!  Come  with  me,  Your  Excellency, 
and  look  on  it:  Zeno  the  Great  is  there, 
writhing  impotently  in  the  grasp  of  his 


Elsewhere  in  France  191 

captors  and,  at  such  intervals  as  his  voice 
can  be  heard,  hoarsely  importuning  me  to 
make  all  clear.  The  gendarmes  are  there. 
The  troopers  are  there  in  full  panoply  of 
lethal  equipment  and  carnage-dealing  im 
plements  of  war.  The  mayor  is  there,  as 
before,  but  has  lost  his  high  hat.  Hundreds 
of  the  vociferating  citizens  are  there.  And 
finally  I — Roscoe  T.  Fibble — am  there  also, 
still  preserving,  I  may  fondly  trust,  such 
dignity,  such  poise,  such  an  air  of  conscious 
rectitude  as  is  possible,  considering  gyves 
on  one's  wrists,  no  covering  for  one's  head, 
and  a  pair  of  embroidered  bedroom  slippers 
on  one's  feet. 

The  porter,  with  circumstantial  particu 
larity,  re-enacts  his  attempt  to  remove  the 
damning  black  box  and  his  encounter  with 
my  hapless  companion.  The  mayor  publicly 
embraces  him.  The  chief  of  the  gendarmes 
proves  by  actual  demonstration  that  the 
German  captain's  uniform  is  a  perfect  fit  for 
Zeno  the  Great.  The  mayor  kisses  him  on 
both  cheeks.  The  commanding  officer  of 
the  military  squad  makes  the  discovery  that 
the  six  cannon  balls  are  but  thin  hollow 


192        Fibble,  D.  D. 

metal  shells  containing  cavities  or  recesses, 
into  which  presumably  fulminating  explo 
sives  might  be  introduced.  The  mayor 
kisses  him  on  both  cheeks  and  on  the  fore 
head. 

It  is  one's  own  turn;  at  the  prospect  one 
involuntarily  shudders!  One's  self  is 
hedged  about  by  impassioned  inquisitionists. 
On  every  side  one  is  confronted  by  waving 
beards,  condemning  eyes,  denouncing  faces, 
clenched  hands  and  pointing  fingers.  From 
full  twenty  throats  at  once  one  is  beset  by 
shrill  interrogations ;  but,  owing  to  the  uni 
versal  rapidity  of  utterance  and  the  shrill 
ness  of  enunciation,  one  is  quite  unable,  in 
the  present  state  of  one's  mind,  to  distinguish 
a  single  intelligible  syllable. 

Lacking  my  translating  manual  to  aid  me 
in  framing  suitable  responses,  I  had  resort 
to  an  expedient  which  at  the  moment  seemed 
little  short  of  an  inspiration,  but  which  I 
have  since  ascertained  to  have  been  tech 
nically  an  error,  inasmuch  as  thereby  I  was 
put  in  the  attitude  of  pleading  guilty  to 
being  a  spy  in  the  employ  of  the  enemy,  of 
being  an  accomplice  of  Zeno  the  Great  in 


Elsewhere  in  France  193 

nefarious  plots  against  the  lives  and  prop 
erty  of  the  French  people,  and  of  having 
conspired  with  him  to  wreck  all  public  and 
many  private  edifices  in  the  town  by  means 
of  deadly  agencies. 

The  mistake  I  made,  Mr.  President,  was 
this :  To  all  questions  of  whatsoever  nature, 
I  answered  by  saying,  "Out,  oui" 

Almost  instantaneously — so  it  seemed — 
I  found  myself  transported  to  a  place  of 
durance  vile,  deep  down  in  the  intricate 
confines  of  the  noisome  cellars  beneath  the 
building  where  the  inquisition  had  taken 
place.  There  in  lonely  solitude  did  I 
languish ;  and  at  intervals  I  heard  through 
the  thick  walls,  from  the  adjoining  keep, 
the  dismal,  despairing  accents  of  my  ill- 
starred  fellow  countryman  bewailingly  up 
lifted.  True,  he  had  wilfully  deceived  me. 
Most  certainly  he  told  me  those  cannon 
balls  were  solid  iron. 

Yet  this  was  neither  the  time  nor  the 
place  for  vain  recriminations;  for,  indeed, 
all  seemed  lost.  Doom  impended — earthly 
destruction;  mundane  annihilation!  One 
pictured  a  gallows  tree;  and,  turning  from 


194        Fibble,  D.  D. 

that  image,  one  pictured  a  firing  squad  at 
sunrise.  I  was  only  deterred  from  com 
mitting  to  writing  my  expiring  message  to 
Mr.  Bryan  and  the  world  at  large  by  two 
insurmountable  considerations:  One  was 
that  I  had  no  writing  materials  of  whatso 
ever  nature,  and  the  other  was  that  my  men 
tal  perturbation  precluded  all  possibility 
of  inducing  a  consecutive  and  lucid  train 
of  thought. 

Constantly  there  recurred  to  me  the  words 
of  a  popular  yet  melancholy  ballad  I  had 
once  heard  reproduced  on  a  talking  ma 
chine  which  dealt  with  the  tragic  and  un 
timely  fate  of  a  noble  youth  who,  through 
misapprehension  and  no  discernible  fault 
of  his  own,  perished  at  the  hands  of  a  drum 
head  court-martial  in  time  of  hostilities,  the 
refrain  being:  "The  pardon  came  too 
late!" 

Nevermore  should  I  see  my  peaceful 
study  at  Fernbridge  Seminary  for  Young 
Ladies,  with  its  cozy  armchair,  its  com 
forting  stool,  or  rest,  for  the  slippered  feet, 
its  neatly  arranged  tea  table!  Nevermore 
should  I  spend  the  tranquil  evening  hours 


Elsewhere  in  France  195 

with  Wordsworth  and  with  Tennyson! 
Nevermore  should  my  eyes  rest  on  my  port 
folio  of  pressed  autumn  leaves,  my  care 
fully  preserved  wild  flowers,  my  complete 
collection  of  the  flora  of  Western  New  Jer 
sey! 

In  such  despairing  contemplations  very 
many  hours  passed — or  at  least,  so  I  be 
lieved  at  the  time.  Eventually  footsteps 
sounded  without  in  the  paved  corridor;  the 
lock  of  my  cell  turned;  the  hinges  grated; 
metal  clanged.  Had  another  day  dawned? 
Had  the  executioners  come  to  lead  me 
forth?  Nay;  not  so!  The  sickly  light  that 
streamed  into  my  dungeon  cell  was  not  the 
beaming  of  another  sunrise  but  the  suffused 
radiance  of  the  present  afternoon;  in  fact, 
the  hour  was  approximately  one  o'clock 
P.  M.,  as  I  learned  later. 

Enframed  in  the  door  opening  stood  the 
form  of  my  gaoler,  and  beside  him  was  one 
of  the  cousins  of  my  charge,  Miss  Canbee. 
It  was  the  tall  brunette  cousin — not  the 
slight  blonde  one.  I  was  saved!  I  was 
saved! 

He — the  cousin  in  question — had  been  one 


196        Fibble,  D.  D. 

of  the  officers  in  charge  of  the  train  which 
bore  my  charges  away  that  morning.  Meet 
ing  him  on  board  soon  after  discovering  that 
I  was  not  included  among  the  passengers, 
Miss  Canbee  begged  him  to  hasten  back  to 
Abbevilliers  to  make  search  for  me.  He 
had  consented;  he  had  returned  posthaste. 
He  knew  me  for  what  I  was,  not  for  what, 
to  the  misguided  perceptions  of  these  ex 
cited  citizens,  I  seemed,  in  sooth,  to  be. 

And  in  this  same  connection  I  wish  to 
add  that  I  have  ever  refused  to  credit  the 
malicious  rumours  originating  among  some 
of  Miss  Canbee's  seminary  mates,  and  com 
ing  to  my 'ears  after  my  safe  arrival  at  Fern* 
bridge,  to  the  effect  that  this  young  gen* 
tleman  was  not  Miss  Canbee's  cousin  and 
nowise  related  to  her;  for,  as  I  clearly 
pointed  out  to  Miss  Waddleton  on  the  occa 
sion  when  she  recounted  the  story  to  me,  if 
he  were  not  her  cousin,  how  could  she  have 
known  him  when  they  met  in  Paris  and  why 
should  he  have  been  willing  to  act  on  her 
intercessions?  He  was  her  cousin — I  re 
affirm  it! 

He  had  come.    He  was  now  here.    I  re- 


Elsewhere  in  France  197 

peat  the  former  declaratory  exclamation — 
I  was  saved  I 

Mister  President,  the  story  is  done.  You 
now  know  all — or  nearly  all.  With  a  line 
I  dispose  of  the  release  from  custody  of  the 
writer  and  of  Zeno  the  Great,  following 
suitable  explanations  carried  on  with  the 
aid  of  Miss  Canbee's  cousin.  With  another 
line — to  wit,  this  one — I  pass  over  my 
affecting  reunion  that  night  at  Calais  with 
my  eight  young-lady  charges;  as  also  the 
details  of  our  return  to  England's  friendly 
shores,  of  our  meeting  with  Miss  Primleigh, 
of  our  immediate  departure  by  steamer  for 
our  own  dear  land,  and  finally  of  our  recep 
tion  at  Fernbridge,  in  which  I  was  unable 
to  participate  in  person  by  reason  of  the 
shattered  state  of  my  nerves. 

And  now,  sir,  having  placed  before  you 
the  facts,  with  all  the  determination  of 
which  I  am  capable  I  reiterate  my  earlier 
expressed  demand  for  condign  official  ret 
ribution  on  the  heads  of  the  persons 
culpably  blamable  for  my  harrowing  mis 
adventures,  whoever  and  wherever  those 
persons  may  be.  If  you  feel  moved,  also,  to 


198        Fibble,  D.  D. 

take  up  the  matter  with  Mr.  Bryan  per 
sonally,  you  have  my  permission  to  do  so. 

Before  concluding,  I  might  add  that  a 
day  or  two  since,  as  I  casually  perused  the 
editorial  columns  of  a  daily  journal  pub 
lished  at  Philadelphia,  Pennsylvania,  I 
chanced  on  a  delineation  of  Mr.  Bryan, 
depicting  him  in  sweeping  white  robes,  with 
a  broad  smile  on  his  face,  and  holding  in 
one  outstretched  hand  a  brimming  cup, 
flagon  or  beaker,  labelled  as  containing  a 
purely  nonalcoholic  beverage;  while  on  his 
shoulder  nestled  a  dove,  signifying  Peace. 
I  have  taken  the  liberty  of  forwarding  a 
copy  of  this  communication  to  the  artist 
responsible  for  that  pictured  tribute,  in 
order  that  he,  too,  may  know  our  former 
Secretary  of  State  in  his  true  light,  and  in 
the  hope  that  he — the  artist — shall  in  fu 
ture  cease  to  employ  his  talents  in  extolling 
one  who  so  signally  failed  to  give  heed  to 
one's  appeals  in  the  most  critical  period  of 
one's  existence. 

I  remain,  sir, 

Your  most  obedient  servant, 

ROSCOE  T.  FIBBLE,  D.D. 


Elsewhere  in  France  199 

P.  S. :  Since  penning  the  above,  my  at 
tention  has  been  directed  to  the  fact  that 
the  picture  in  the  aforesaid  Philadelphia 
paper  was  intended  for  a  caricature — or,  as 
the  cant  phrase  goes,  a  cartoon — its  intent 
being  to  cast  gentle  ridicule  on  the  policies 
of  the  man  Bryan.  I  have,  therefore,  ad 
dressed  a  supplementary  line  to  the  artist, 
complimenting  and  commending  him  in 
the  highest  terms.  FlBBLE. 


Fibblc,  D.D. 


PART  THREE 


Being  a  Series  of  Extracts  Culled  from  the  Diary 
of  Dr.  Fibble. 


Fibble,  D.  D. 


Lover's  Leap 

APRIL  THE  THIRD.  -  -  Good 
morning,  Friend  Quarto!  The 
foregoing  line,  which  I  have  but 
this  moment  inscribed  in  a  fair  hand  upon 
the  first  ruled  page  immediately  succeed 
ing  the  flyleaf  of  this  neat  russet-clad  vol 
ume,  marks  the  beginning  of  a  new  and — 
what  I  trust  me  shall  prove — a  congenial 
enterprise.  This,  therefore,  is  in  the  nature 
of  a  dedication,  none  the  less  significant  be 
cause  privately  conducted.  I  am  to-day 
inaugurating  a  diary  or,  as  some  would  say, 
a  journal  of  my  daily  life. 

For  long  I  have  contemplated  such  an 
undertaking,  but  in  the  press  of  other  mat 
ters  delayed  making  a  start,  as  so  often  one 
will.  Procrastination — ah,  what  a  grace 
less  rogue  are  you!  But  upon  the  eve  of 


204        Ftbble,  D.  D. 

yesterday,  shortly  before  evensong,  as  I  was 
passing  adown  the  main  street  of  this  quaint 
and  quiet  village  of  Lover's  Leap,  situate 
in  the  western  part  of  the  state  of  New 
Jersey,  I  chanced  to  pause  before  the  shop 
of  the  Messrs.  Bumpass  Brothers,  a  mer 
chandising  establishment  for  the  purveying 
of  stationery,  sweetmeats,  souvenirs  and  such 
like  commodities  and  much  in  favour  among 
the  student  body  of  our  beloved  Fernbridge 
Seminary  for  Young  Ladies.  In  the  show 
window,  displayed  in  company  with  other 
articles  of  varied  character  and  descrip 
tion,  I  beheld  this  book,  which  seemed  so 
exactly  suited  and  devised  to  my  purposes. 
Without  delay,  therefore,  I  entered  in  and 
from  Mr.  Selim  Bumpass,  the  younger 
member  of  this  firm  of  tradeworthy  trades 
men,  I  procured  it  at  a  cost  of  ninety  cents, 
and  here  and  now  I  devote  you,  little  book- 
ling,  to  your  future  usages. 

I  count  this  an  auspicious  occasion,  usher 
ing,  as  it  does,  into  the  placid  currents  of 
my  existence  what  at  once  shall  be  a  new 
pleasure  and  a  new  duty.  Nightly  when 
the  toils  of  the  hour  are  done  and  darkness 


Lover's  Leap        205 

has  drawn  her  curtains  about  the  world  I, 
seated  in  the  cloistered  seclusion  of  my 
rooms,  shall  enter  herein  a  more  or  less 
complete  summary  of  the  principal  events 
of  the  day  that  is  done. 

When  this  volume  is  quite  filled  up  I  shall 
purchase  yet  another,  and  thus  it  shall  be 
in  the  years  to  come  that  in  leisure  moments 
I  may  take  down  from  my  shelves  one  of 
my  accumulated  store  of  diaries  and,  open 
ing  it  at  random,  refresh  the  wearied  facul 
ties  with  memories  of  bygone  events,  past 
trials,  half-forgotten  triumphs,  et  cetera, 
et  cetera.  In  fancy  I  behold  myself,  with 
the  light  of  retrospection  beaming  in  my 
eye,  glancing  up  from  the  written  leaf  and 
to  myself  murmuring:  "Fibble,  upon  such 
a  date  in  the  long  ago  you  did  thus  and  so, 
you  visited  this  or  that  spot  of  interest,  you 
had  profitable  converse  with  such  and  such 
a  person."  How  inspiring  the  prospect; 
how  profitable  may  be  the  outcome  of  the 
labour  required! 

With  this  brief  foreword  I  now  put  you 
aside,  little  diary,  meaning  to  seek  your 
company  again  ere  the  hour  of  retiring  has 


206        Fibble,  D.  D. 

arrived.  So  be  of  good  cheer  and  grow  not 
impatient  through  the  long  hours,  for  anon 
I  shall  return. 

Ten-forty-five  P.  M.  of  even  date;  to  wit, 
April  the  third. — True  to  my  promise,  here 
I  am,  pen  in  hand  and  finger  at  brow.  It 
augurs  well  that  I  should  have  launched 
this  undertaking  upon  this  particular  day. 
For  scarce  had  I  left  my  study  this  morn 
ing  when  an  occurrence  came  to  pass  which 
I  deem  to  have  been  of  more  than  passing 
interest  and  proper,  therefore,  to  be  set  forth 
in  some  amplitude  of  detail.  At  faculty 
meeting,  following  chapel,  our  principal 
and  president,  Miss  Waddleton,  announced 
to  us  that  a  new  member  had  been  added  to 
our  little  band.  Continuing  in  this  strain, 
she  explained  that  a  young  person,  until 
now  a  stranger  to  us  all,  had  been  engaged 
for  the  position  of  athletic  instructor  made 
vacant  by  the  recent  and  regrettable  resigna 
tion  of  Miss  Eleanor  Scuppers.  With  these 
words  she  presented  Miss  Scuppers'  suc 
cessor  in  the  person  of  a  Miss  Hildegarde 
Hamm.  Mutual  introductions  followed. 

During  the  ceremonial  I  had  abundant 


Lover's  Leap        207 

opportunity  to  observe  this  Miss  Hamm 
with  a  polite  but  searching  scrutiny.  I  can 
not  deny  that  she  is  rather  of  a  personable 
aspect,  but,  in  all  charity  and  forbearance 
of  final  judgment,  I  foresee  she  may  prove 
a  discordant  factor,  a  disturbing  element  in 
our  little  circle.  I  go  further  than  that.  If 
I  may  permit  myself  to  indulge  in  language 
verging  almost  upon  the  indelicate,  when 
employed  with  reference  to  the  other  or  gen 
tler  sex,  she  has  about  her  a  certain  air  of 
hoydenish  and  robustious  buoyancy  which, 
I  fear  me,  will  but  ill  conform  to  the  tra 
ditions  of  dear  Fernbridge  and  the  soothed 
and  refining  spirit  ever  maintained  by  the 
instructor  body  of  our  beloved  seminary. 

Subconsciously  I  felt  wincingly  the  grasp 
of  her  hand  as  I  exchanged  with  her  the  cus 
tomary  salutations  the  while  I  murmured  a 
few  words  of  perfunctory  welcome.  Her 
clasp  was  almost  masculine  in  its  firmness 
and  pressure — much  more  vehement  than 
the  one  which  I  myself  exert  upon  occasions 
of  greeting.  But  since  I,  as  occupant  of  the 
chair  of  astronomy  and  ancient  and  modern 
history,  shall  probably  be  thrown  in  direct 


208        Ftbble,  D.  D. 

contact  with  our  new  coworker  but  little^ 
I  anticipate  no  personal  embarrassments, 
albeit  I  shall  endeavour  to  hold  her  at  a  dis 
tance,  ever  and  always  maintaining  between 
us  a  barrier  of  courteous  aloofness.  It  is 
the  effect  upon  our  institution  as  a  whole 
that  I  regard  with  forebodings. 

In  a  brief  period  of  speech  with  Miss 
primleigh,  our  mathematics  teacher,  which 
ensued  in  a  corridor  subsequent  to  Miss 
HamnVs  induction  into  the  faculty,  I  gath 
ered  that  Miss  Primleigh,  who  is  of  a  most 
discerning  turn  of  mind,  shared  with  me 
these  apprehensions.  Also  I  gleaned  from 
Miss  Primleigh  certain  salient  facts  con 
cerning  our  youthful  confrere.  It  would 
seem  Miss  Hamm  is  a  person  of  independ 
ent  means.  Being  quite  completely  or 
phaned  as  a  direct  consequence  of  the  death 
of  both  of  her  immediate  parents,  she  re 
sides  in  the  household  of  her  uncle,  a  Mr. 
Hector  Hamm,  who  recently  moved  into 
the  community  from  the  state  of  Maryland. 
Likewise  being  addicted  to  physical  exer 
tions  in  their  more  ardent  form,  she  has  asso 
ciated  herself  with  us  rather  for  the  oppor- 


Lover's  Leap         209 

tunity  of  exercising  her  tastes  in  this  direc 
tion  than  for  the  sake  of  any  financial  hon 
orarium  or,  as  some  would  put  it,  remunera 
tion  of  salary.  At  least  such  was  Miss 
Primleigh's  information,  she  volunteering 
the  added  statement  that  in  her  opinion 
Miss  Hamm  was  a  forward  piece.  From 
the  inflection  of  Miss  Primleigh's  voice  at 
this  juncture,  coupled  with  her  manner,  I 
am  constrained  to  believe  this  term  of  desig 
nation  is  not  to  be  taken  as  implying  a  com 
pliment,  but,  on  the  contrary,  the  approxi 
mate  reverse. 

Good  night,  diary.    I  shall  now  retire. 

APRIL  THE  SEVENTH.— A  certain  salu- 
briousness  was  to-day  manifest  in  the  air, 
indicative  of  the  passing  of  winter  and  the 
on-coming  of  spring.  After  some  cogita 
tion  of  the  subject,  I  decided  this  morning 
upon  arising  to  doff  my  heavier  undervest- 
ments — that  is,  union  suitings — for  gar 
ments  of  less  irksome  weight  and  texture. 
This  I  did. 

I  recall  nothing  else  of  importance  tran 
spiring  upon  this  date  which  is  worthy  of 


210        Fibble,  D.  D. 

being  recorded,  except  that,  in  the  course 
of  a  short  walk  this  afternoon,  I  came  upon 
a  half  unfolded  specimen  of  Viola  cucullata 
— or,  to  use  the  vulgar  appellation,  common 
blue  violet — pushing  its  way  through  the 
leafy  mould  and  mildew  of  the  winter's  ac 
cumulation.  I  made  this  discovery  in  a 
spinney,  or  copse,  near  a  small  tarn  some 
half  mile  to  the  eastward  of  Fernbridge's 
precincts.  I  am  aware  that  the  resident 
populace  hereabout  customarily  refer  to  this 
spot  as  the  wet  woods  back  of  Whitney's 
Bog,  but  I  infinitely  prefer  the  English 
phraseology  as  more  euphonious  and  at  the 
same  time  more  poetic.  With  all  due  gen 
tleness  I  uprooted  Viola  cucullata  from  its 
place  in  the  boscage  and,  after  it  has  been 
suitably  pressed,  I  mean  to  add  it  to  my  col 
lection  of  the  fauna  indigenous  to  the  soil  of 
Western  New  Jersey,  not  because  of  its  rar 
ity,  for  it  is,  poor  thing,  but  a  common 
enough  growth,  but  because  of  its  having 
been  the  first  tender  harbinger  of  the  bud 
ding  year  which  has  come  directly  to  my 
attention.  I  shall  botanize  extensively  this 
year.  For  with  me  to  botanize  is  one  of  the 


Lover's  Leap         211 

dearest  of  pursuits,  amounting  to  a  veritable 
passion. 

APRIL  THE  EIGHTH. — Blank;  no  entries. 
APRIL  THE  NINTH.— Also  blank. 

APRIL  THE  TENTH.— It  is  illness  and  not 
a  disinclination  to  pursue  my  self-appointed 
task  of  preserving  this  repository  of  my 
thoughts  and  deeds  which  for  the  past  two 
days  has  kept  me  from  you,  friend  diary. 
As  a  consequence  of  venturing  abroad  upon 
the  seventh  instant  without  my  heavy  un 
dergarments  and  likewise  without  galoshes, 
having  been  deceived  into  committing  these 
indiscretions  by  a  false  and  treacherous 
mildness  of  atmospheric  conditions  lead 
ing  to  the  assumption  that  the  vernal  sea 
son  had  come  or  was  impending — a  circum 
stance  already  described  some  paragraphs 
back — I  found  myself  upon  the  morn  fol 
lowing  to  be  the  victim  of  a  severe  cold, 
complicated  with  quinsy  or  sore  throat.  I 
have  ever  since  been  confined  to  my  room,  if 
not  to  my  couch,  in  an  acutely  indisposed 


212        Fibble,  D.  D. 

state,  endeavouring  to  rid  myself  of  these 
impairments  by  recourse  to  a  great  variety  of 
panaceas  applied  both  internally  and  other 
wise.  Not  until  the  present  moment  have 
I  felt  qualified,  either  mentally  or  bodily, 
to  address  myself  to  the  labour  of  literary 
composition.  Indeed,  what  with  trying  this 
vaunted  cure  or  that — now  a  gargle,  now  a 
foot  bath  in  water  heated  well  nigh  to  boil 
ing,  now  a  hot  lemonade,  and  again  a  bolus, 
a  lotion  or  a  liniment — I  have  had  no  time 
for  writing,  even  if  so  inclined. 

I  am  struck  by  the  interesting  fact  that 
when  one  is  ill  of  a  cold  practically  every 
one  with  whom  one  comes  in  contact  has  a 
favourite  suggestion  for  relieving  one  of 
one's  symptoms.  Scarce  a  member  of  the 
faculty  these  two  days  but  has  prescribed 
this  or  that  thing,  each  in  turn  extolling  the 
virtues  of  her  own  remedy  and  at  the  same 
time  vigorously  decrying  the  merits  of  all 
others  whatsoever.  To  avoid  showing  fa 
vouritism  and  to  guard  against  giving  of 
fence  in  any  quarter,  for  such  is  my  nature, 
I  have  faithfully  endeavoured  to  accept  the 
advice  and  obey  the  injunction  of  each  and 


Lover's  Leap         213 

every  well  wisher,  with  one  exception.  I 
shall  refer  to  that  exception  in  another  mo 
ment. 

To-night  I  am  greatly  improved,  al 
though  weakened.  In  fact,  I  should  almost 
entirely  be  my  former  self  were  it  not  for 
a  blistered  condition  of  the  throat,  a  pro 
nounced  tenderness  of  the  feet,  and  an  in 
flamed  area  of  the  cutaneous  covering  of  the 
bosom — the  first  due,  I  think,  to  swallowing 
an  overhot  lemonade,  the  second  to  the  con 
stancy  with  which  I  resorted  to  foot  bathing, 
while  the  third  indubitably  may  be  ascribed 
to  the  after  effects  of  an  oil  of  great  potency 
and  pronounced  odour  which  Miss  Wad- 
dleton  with  her  own  hands  bestowed  upon 
me  and  with  which  I  anointed  that  par 
ticular  portion  of  my  anatomy  at  half- 
hourly  intervals. 

To-night  these  quarters  are  quite  oppres 
sively  redolent  of  the  commingled  scents  of 
drugs,  unguents  and  ointments.  But  in  view 
of  the  sharpness  of  the  evening  I  shall  for 
the  time  forbear  to  air  my  chambers.  Nor, 
as  I  do  now  most  solemnly  pledge  myself, 
shall  I  again  venture  forth  unless  suitably 


214        Ftbble,  D.  D. 

fortified  and  safeguarded  against  the  uncer 
tainties  of  our  northern  climate,  until  the 
springtime  is  well  advanced  and  a  reason 
able  continuation  of  balmy  conditions  is 
assured. 

The  exception  to  which  I  referred  in  a 
preceding  paragraph  was  none  other  than 
Miss  Hamm,  the  newest  member  of  our 
faculty.  Actuated,  I  hope,  by  kindly  mo 
tives,  she  called  this  afternoon,  finding  me 
in  dressing  gown  and  slippers,  prone  upon 
the  couch  in  my  study,  at  my  side  a  table 
laden  with  bottles  and  in  my  hand  an  atom 
iser,  with  which  at  every  convenient  pause 
in  the  conversation  I  assiduously  sprayed 
the  more  remote  recesses  of  the  throat  and 
the  nose.  Upon  entering  she  was  good 
enough  to  enquire  regarding  my  progress 
toward  recovery  and  I,  replying,  launched 
upon  a  somewhat  lengthy  description  of  the 
nature  of  the  malady,  meaning  in  time  to 
come  to  an  enumeration  of  the  various  suc 
ceeding  stages  of  convalescence.  In  the 
midst  of  this  she  cut  me  short  with  the 
brusque  and  abrupt  remark  that  if  I  threw 
all  the  medicines  out  of  the  window  and  put 


Lover's  Leap         215 

on  my  things  and  went  for  a  long  walk  I 
should  feel  a  lot  better  in  less  than  no  time 
at  all — such  substantially  'being  her  lan 
guage  as  I  recall  it. 

Between  inhalations  of  the  fluid  contents 
of  the  atomiser  I  replied,  stating  in  effect 
that  the  fact  of  my  having  taken  a  walk  was 
responsible  in  no  small  measure  for  my  pres 
ent  depleted  state.  Naturally  I  made  no 
mention  of  a  certain  contributory  factor — 
namely,  the  unwise  and  hasty  step  taken  by 
me  with  regard  to  undergarments.  I  went 
on  to  say  that  in  no  event,  even  though  so 
inclined — a  thing  in  itself  inconceivable — 
would  I  harbour  the  impulse,  to  cast  from 
my  casements  the  accumulation  of  vials,  pill 
boxes,  et  cetera,  with  which  I  had  been  pro 
vided  by  my  friends,  since  inevitably  the 
result  would  be  to  litter  the  lawn  without, 
thereby  detracting  from  the  kempt  and 
seemly  aspect  of  our  beloved  institution, 
of  which  we  who  have  learned  to  venerate 
and  cherish  Fernbridge  Seminary  are  justly 
so  proud.  Upon  this  point  I  spoke  with  espe 
cial  firmness.  Perhaps  it  was  the  manner  of 
my  administering  this  gentle  but  deserved 


216        Fibble,  D.  D. 

rebuke — or  possibly  the  words  in  which  I 
couched  my  chidings — at  any  rate  she  en 
deavoured  to  conceal  the  discomfiture  she 
must  have  felt  beneath  an  outburst  of 
laughter  ere  she  withdrew,  leaving  me  to 
welcome  solitude  and  my  throat  douche. 

How  different  was  the  attitude  of  Miss 
Primleigh  when  she  came  to  offer  her  min 
istrations — all  sympathy,  all  understanding, 
all  solicitude!  It  is  to  Miss  Primleigh  that 
I  stand  at  this  hour  indebted  for  the  loan  of 
the  atomiser.  She  assures  me  that  she  has 
ever  found  it  most  efficacious,  and  I,  too, 
have  found  it  so,  although  I  admit  the  use 
of  it  tends  to  produce  a  tickling  sensation 
to  membranes  already  made  sensitive  by 
other  applications. 

APRIL  THE  ELEVENTH.— Am  entirely  re 
stored  to  normal  well  being  except  for  a 
stoppage  of  the  upper  nasal  region  which  at 
times  proves  annoying — I  might  even  say 
vexatious.  The  inflammation  of  the  throat 
having  subsided,  I  derived  much  comfort 
this  afternoon  from  imbibing  tea ;  being  the 


Lover's  Leap         217 

first  time,  in  the  scope  of  half  a  week,  when 
tea  has  had  its  proper  zest  and  flavour. 

APRIL  THE  TWELFTH. — Returned  to 
class-room  duties,  taking  up,  in  the  history 
course,  the  life  and  works  of  Marcus  Au- 
relius,  a  character  for  whom  I  have  ever 
entertained  the  liveliest  sentiments  of  regard 
and  respect,  for  did  he  not,  in  an  age  of 
licentiousness  and  loose  living,  deport  him 
self  with  such  rectitude  as  to  entitle  him  to 
the  encomiums  and  the  plaudits  of  all  right- 
thinking  persons  forever  thereafter? 

Otherwise,  nothing  noteworthy  upon  this 
day  and  date. 

APRIL  THE  THIRTEENTH.— I  went  abroad 
to-day  for  the  first  time  since  my  recent 
indisposition,  taking  the  precaution  first 
to  well  muffle  myself  as  to  throat,  wrists  and 
pedal  extremities.  For  my  associate  in  the 
pleasures  of  pedestrianism  I  had  Miss 
Primleigh,  from  whose  company  I  have 
ever  derived  a  certain  calm  and  philosophic 
enjoyment.  In  a  way,  one  might  say  Miss 
Primleigh  is  almost  purely  intellect.  The 


218        Fibble,  D.  D. 

qualities  of  her  mind  shine  forth,  as  it  were, 
through  her  earthly  tenement;  rendering 
her  in  truth  a  most  admirable  companion. 

In  the  progress  of  our  peregrinations  over 
hill  and  vale,  I  gathered  several  desirable 
specimens  for  my  botanical  collection. 
Miss  Primleigh,  whose  turn  of  thought 
even  in  her  lighter  moments  is  essentially 
mathematical,  as  befitting  one  of  her  chosen 
calling  in  life,  spent  some  time  pleasantly, 
and  I  dare  say  profitably,  in  calculating  by 
mental  arithmetic  the  number  of  cubic 
yards  of  earth  in  the  hillock  known  as  Potts' 
Ridge.  A  delightful  and  congenial  outing 
was  jointly  shared. 

Sauntering  slowly  along,  we  had  wended 
our  meandering  course  homeward,  or  per 
haps  I  should  say  schoolward,  and  had 
reached  a  small  byway,  known  locally  as 
Locust  Lane,  when  there  came  to  our  ears 
a  sound  of  joyous  voices  and  a  clattering  of 
nimble  hoofs  mingling  together.  Almost 
instantly  a  merry  cavalcade  swept  into  view 
round  a  turn  in  the  path.  It  was  composed 
of  a  number,  perhaps  six  in  all,  of  our  young 
lady  students,  taking  a  lesson  in  horseback 


Lover's  Leap        219 

riding  under  the  tutelage  of  Miss  Hamm, 
the  young  person  previously  mentioned  in 
these  chronicles.  She — I  speak  now  with 
reference  to  Miss  Hamm — led  the  proces 
sion,  mounted  upon  a  mettlesome  steed  and 
attired  in  a  costume  including  a  short  coat, 
boots,  and  bifurcated  garments  of  a  close- 
fitting  nature.  Her  hair,  beneath  a  stiff 
hat  such  as  I  myself  customarily  wear,  was 
braided  in  heavy  coils.  As  might  be  ex 
pected,  she  rode,  as  the  saying  goes,  astride, 
evincing  great  adeptness  for  this  form  of 
exercise,  which  has  been  described  to  me  as 
being  healthful  in  the  extreme,  although  I 
should  denominate  it  as  bordering  upon 
the  dangerous,  unless  the  equine  one  chose 
for  one's  use  was  more  docile  than  so  fre 
quently  appears  to  be  the  case. 

As  the  party  dashed  by  us  with  appro 
priate  salutations,  to  which  I  replied  in 
kind,  I  was  suddenly  impressed  by  a  grace 
of  movement — or  shall  I  call  it  a  jaunty 
abandon? — in  Miss  Hamm's  bearing,  as 
pect  and  general  demeanour.  To  the  casual 
eye  the  effect  of  this  was  far  from  being  dis 
pleasing.  I  was  about  to  venture  as  much  to 


220        Ftbble,  D.  D. 

Miss  Primleigh  and  had,  in  fact,  cleared  my 
throat  as  a  preliminary  to  making  the  state 
ment,  when  she  broke  in,  speaking  in  a  tone 
of  severity.  I  quote  her: 

"You  needn't  say  it,  Doctor  Fibble — I 
know  exactly  how  you  feel,  before  you 
speak  a  word.  And  I  agree  with  you  per 
fectly  in  all  that  you  think.  Didn't  I  tell 
you  that  creature  was  a  forward  piece?  Did 
you  see  how  the  little  minx  was  dressed? 
Did  you  see  how  she  carried  herself?  If 
we  both  live  to  be  a  thousand  years  old 
you'll  never  catch  me  wearing  such 
clothes!" 

I  nodded  in  a  noncommittal  fashion,  not 
caring  at  the  moment  to  take  issue  with  Miss 
Primleigh.  Arguments  I  detest.  If  she 
chose  to  misinterpret  my  sentiments,  so  be  it 
then.  I  shall,  however,  add  here  that  while 
my  own  opinion  of  the  matter  was  not  ab 
solutely  in  accord  with  the  burden  of  Miss 
Primleigh's  criticisms,  there  was  one  point 
brought  out  by  her  in  her  remarks  upon 
which  I  could  not  conscientiously  take  issue 
with  her.  To  paraphrase  her  own  words, 
I  believe  I  should  not  care  ever  to  catch 


Lover's  Leap         221 

Miss  Primleigh  costumed  as  Miss  Hamm 
was.  In  confidence  I  may  confide  to  my 
diary  that  I  do  not  believe  the  former  would 
appear  to  the  best  advantage  in  such  habili 
ments  as  I  have  briefly  touched  upon,  she 
being  of  a  somewhat  angular  physical  con 
formation,  although  not  until  now  do  I  re 
call  having  been  cognisant  of  this  fact. 

To-night,  sitting  here,  the  picture  of  Miss 
Hamm  upon  horseback  persists  in  the  retina 
of  my  brain  as  a  far  from  unseemly  vision. 
One  is  moved  to  wonder  that  a  circumstance 
so  trivial  should  linger  in  one's  mind.  How 
truly  has  it  been  said  that  the  vagaries  of 
the  human  imagination  are  past  divining. 

APRIL  THE  SEVENTEENTH.— Shortly  after 
three  P.  M.  of  this  day,  following  the  dis 
missal  of  my  class  in  astronomy,  I  acci 
dentally  stepped  into  the  gymnasium  hall. 
I  cannot  account  for  so  doing,  unless  it  be 
upon  the  ground  that  my  thoughts  still 
dwelt  upon  those  heavenly  bodies  with 
whose  wonders  I  had  for  hours  been  con 
cerned  to  the  exclusion  of  all  other  consid 
erations  of  whatsoever  nature.  In  this  state 


222        Fibble,  D.  D. 

of  absent-mindedness  I  discovered  myself 
standing  outside  the  door  of  the  large  room 
devoted  to  the  physical  exercises.  My 
hand,  obeying  a  mechanical  impulse,  turned 
the  knob;  pausing  upon  the  threshold  I 
beheld  the  spectacle  of  Miss  Hamm,  direct 
ing  a  group  of  our  juniors  in  dumb-bell 
manipulation,  all  present — instructor  and 
students  alike — being  costumed  in  the  pre 
scribed  uniform  of  loose  blouses  and  those 
garments  technically  known,  I  believe,  as 
bloomers. 

The  sight  of  so  many  young  persons,  their 
faces  intent,  their  minds  engrossed  with  each 
succeeding  evolution  of  gesticulation,  their 
bodies  swaying  in  unison,  was  an  agreeable 
one.  Entirely  in  a  subconscious  way  I  ob 
served  that  Miss  Hamm's  hair  was  not 
plaited  up  and  confined  to  the  head  with 
ribands,  pins  or  other  appliances  in  vogue 
among  her  sex,  but  depended  in  loose  and 
luxuriant  masses  about  her  face ;  I  remarked 
its  colour — a  chestnut  brown — and  a  tend 
ency  upon  its  part  to  form  into  ringlets 
when  unconfmed,  the  resultant  effect  being 
somewhat  attractive.  At  the  moment  of  my 


Lover's  Leap         223 

entrance  her  side  face  was  presented  to  me; 
a  piquant  and  comely  profile  I  should  term 
it,  without  professing  in  the  least  to  have 
judgment  in  such  matters. 

Presently  discovering  that  an  intruder 
had  appeared  upon  the  scene,  she  paused 
in  her  work  of  directing  her  class  and,  turn 
ing  toward  me,  inquired  whether  there  was 
anything  I  desired.  Having  no  excuse  to 
account  for  my  presence,  I  stated  that  I  had 
mistaken  the  door  and,  briefly  begging  her 
pardon  for  having  interrupted  her,  I  with 
drew.  Later  I  found  myself  striving  with 
a  vague  and  unaccountable  desire  to  return 
and  witness  more  of  the  dumb-bell  evolu 
tions. 

APRIL  THE  EIGHTEENTH.— A  strange  las 
situde  besets  me.  I  first  discerned  it  this 
forenoon  soon  after  the  burden  of  the  school 
day  was  taken  up.  A  marked  disinclination 
for  the  prescribed  routine  of  classroom  and 
study  hall  appears  to  be  one  of  its  most 
pronounced  manifestations.  I  am  strangely 
distraught;  preoccupied  with  truant  and 


224-        Fibble,  D.  D. 

wandering  thoughts  having  no  bearing  upon 
the  task  in  hand. 

Seeking  to  throw  off  these  distractions,  I 
quite  casually  dropped  into  the  gymnasium. 
It  was  empty.  Upon  rinding  it  so,  a  small 
sense  of  disappointment  beset  me.  I  then 
went  for  a  walk,  trusting  to  the  soft  and 
gentle  influences  of  out-of-doors  to  dispel 
the  meaningless  vapourings  which  beset  my 
consciousness.  My  wandering  feet  auto 
matically  carried  me  to  Locust  Lane,  where 
for  some  time  I  lingered  in  idleness. 

The  class  in  horseback  riding  did  not  pass, 
as  once  before.  Presumably  our  young 
equestriennes,  if  abroad,  had  taken  some 
other  direction.  In  pensive  thought  not  un- 
tinctured  with  a  fleeting  depression,  I  re 
turned  at  dusk,  hoping  with  books  to  cure* 
myself  of  the  bewilderments  of  this  day. 

An  hour  agone  I  took  up  a  volume  of 
Tasso.  Than  Tasso  in  the  original  Latin, 
I  know  of  no  writer  whose  works  are  better 
fitted  for  perusal  during  an  hour  of  relaxa 
tion.  But  Tasso  was  dull  to-night.  The 
printed  page  was  before  my  eyes,  but  my 
thoughts  sped  off  in  tangents  to  dwell  upon 


Lover's  Leap         225 

the  birds,  the  trees,  the  flowers.  The 
thought  of  flowers  suggested  my  botanical 
collection  and  to  it  I  turned.  But  it,  too, 
had  lost  its  zest. 

It  must  be  that  this  mental  preoccupation 
has  a  physical  side.  Beyond  peradventure 
the  lassitude  of  spring  is  upon  me.  I  shall 
take  a  tonic  compounded  according  to  a 
formula  popular  for  many  generations  in 
my  family  and  much  favoured  by  my  sole 
surviving  relative,  Great-Aunt  Paulina, 
now  residing  at  an  advanced  age,  but  with 
faculties  unimpaired,  in  the  city  of  Hart 
ford,  Connecticut.  Haply  I  have  a  bottle 
of  this  sovereign  concoction  by  me,  Great- 
Aunt  Paulina  having  sent  it  by  parcel  post 
no  longer  ago  than  last  week.  I  shall  take 
it  as  designated  by  her  in  the  letter  accom 
panying  the  timely  gift — a  large  dessert 
spoonful  three  times  daily  before  meals. 

APRIL  THE  TWENTY-FIRST. — Have  been 
taking  my  tonic  regularly  but  apparently 
without  deriving  beneficial  results.  Its 
especial  purpose  is  for  the  thinning  of  the 
blood.  Assuredly  though,  if  my  blood  has 


226        Fibble,  D.  D. 

been  appreciably  thinned  my  mental  atti 
tude  remains  unchanged.  Perversely  I  con 
tinue  to  be  the  subject  of  contradictory  and 
conflicting  moods  impossible  to  understand 
and  difficult  to  describe.  Certainly  I  have 
never  been  in  this  state  before.  Query: 
Can  it  be  I  am  upon  the  verge  of  a  serious 
disorder?  Temporary  exaltation  succeeds 
melancholy,  and  vice  versa.  On  two  sep 
arate  occasions  to-day  I  was  aware  of  this 
phenomenon — a  passing  sense  of  exuberance 
and  cheerfulness,  shortly  afterward  fol 
lowed  by  a  morbid  and  gloom-tinged  long 
ing  for  I  know  not  what. 

This  serves  to  remind  me  that  twice  to 
day  I  had  conversations  of  brief  duration 
with  Miss  Hamm.  The  first  meeting  was 
by  chance,  we  merely  exchanging  common 
places  touching  upon  our  respective  fields 
of  activity  here  at  Fernbridge;  but  the  sec 
ond  eventuated  through  deliberate  intent 
on  my  part.  With  premeditation  I  put  my 
self  in  her  path.  My  motive  for  so  doing 
was,  I  trust,  based  upon  unselfishness  en 
tirely.  I  had  formed  an  early  and  perhaps 
a  hasty  estimate  of  this  young  woman's  na- 


Lover's  Leap         227 

ture.  I  wished  either  to  convince  myself 
absolutely  upon  these  points  or  to  disabuse 
my  mind  of  all  prejudice. 

I  am  glad  I  took  this  step.  For  I  am  con 
strained  now  to  admit  that  my  first  impres 
sion  of  Miss  Hamm's  personality  may  have 
done  her  an  injustice.  With  what  care 
should  one  guard  oneself  against  o'erready 
appraisals  of  the  characters  of  one's  fellow 
beings! 

It  is  not  to  be  gainsaid  that  Miss  Hamm 
lends  to  our  institution  a  picturesqueness  of 
outward  aspect  as  well  as  a  light-heartedness 
and  a  buoyancy  of  viewpoint  which  hereto 
fore  has  been  quite  utterly  lacking  among 
our  instructor  corps.  Despite  a  pronounced 
tendency  betrayed  by  her  to  give  to  serious 
subjects  a  perplexingly  light  and  roguish 
twist,  an  inclination,  as  it  were,  to  make 
chaff,  to  banter,  to  indulge  in  idle  whimsi 
calities,  I  think  I  discern  in  her  indubitable 
qualities  of  mind  which,  properly  guided 
and  directed  by  some  older  person  having 
her  best  interests  at  heart,  may  be  produc 
tive  in  time  of  development  and  expansion 
into  higher  realms  of  thought. 


228        Fibble,  D.  D. 

I  feel  within  me  a  desire  to  assist  in  the 
blossoming  forth  of  what  I  plainly  discover 
to  be  this  young  person's  real  self.  I  shall 
not  count  as  wasted  the  hours  I  may  devote 
to  this  altruistic  and  disinterested  endeav 
our.  My  payment  shall  be  the  conscious 
ness  of  a  duty  well  performed — that  and 
nothing  more.  Indeed,  at  this  moment,  as  I 
indite  this  pledge,  speculation  as  to  its  out 
come  engenders  in  me  an  uplifting  of  the 
spirit  which  bodes  well  for  the  future  fruit 
age  of  my  ambition. 

In  such  mood  was  I  when,  shortly  hav 
ing  quitted  the  company  of  Miss  Hamm, 
I  met  Miss  Primleigh.  She  suggested  an 
other  excursion  into  the  wildwood.  Upon 
plea  of  a  slight  indisposition,  but  without 
explaining  its  symptoms,  I  excused  myself 
and  continued  upon  my  way.  I  felt  that 
I  should  prefer  for  the  nonce  to  be  alone.  I 
shall  ever  value  my  friendship  with  Miss 
Primleigh  as  a  great  privilege,  for  in  truth 
she  is  one  of  deep  culture  and  profound 
mental  attainments,  but  during  the  last  few 
days  I  have  several  times  detected  myself 
in  the  act  of  wishing  that  she  were  not  quite 


Lover's  Leap         229 

so  statistical  in  her  point  of  view  and  that 
her  thoughts  upon  occasion  might  take  a 
lighter  trend  than  she  evinces.  I  have  even 
found  myself  desiring  that  to  the  eye  she 
might  present  a  plumper  aspect,  so  to 
speak.  For,  in  all  charity,  it  is  not  to  be 
denied  that  Miss  Primleigh  is  what  the 
world  is  pleased  to  call  angular — painfully 
angular,  I  am  afraid.  Only  to-day  I  noticed 
that  her  feet  were  large,  or  at  least  the  shoes 
she  wore  lent  a  suggestion  as  of  largeness. 
One  owes  it  to  oneself  to  make  the  best  of 
one's  personal  appearance;  this  reflection 
came  to  me  as  I  was  turning  away  from 
Miss  Primleigh.  Possibly  it  is  because  she 
has  failed  to  do  so  that  I  have  found  her 
company,  in  a  measure,  palling  upon  me 
here  of  late.  Or  can  it  be  that  spiritually  I 
am  outgrowing  Miss  Primleigh?  I  know 
not.  I  do  but  state  the  actual  fact.  Yet  al 
ways  I  shall  esteem  her  most  highly. 

To-night  a  sense  of  loneliness,  a  desire  for 
the  companionship  of  my  kind,  assails  me. 
I  can  only  opine  that  my  blood  is  not  thin 
ning  with  the  desired  celerity.  Beginning 
to-morrow  I  shall  take  a  large  tablespoon- 


230        Fibble,  D.  D. 

fill  of  the  tonic  before  meals  instead  of  a 
dessert-spoonful. 

A  telephone  was  to-day  installed  in  my 
study.  Heretofore  Fernbridge  has  been 
connected  with  the  outer  world  only  by  a 
single  telephone  placed  in  the  reception  hall 
of  our  main  building,  but  now,  by  Miss 
Waddleton's  direction,  each  member  of  the 
faculty  will  hereafter  enjoy  the  use  of  a 
separate  instrument.  Thus,  without  the 
surrender  of  any  of  its  traditions,  does  Fern- 
bridge  keep  abreast  of  the  movements  of  this 
workaday  world. 

I  think  of  nothing  else  of  moment.  I  seek 
repose. 

APRIL  THE  TWENTY-SECOND. — A  most 
annoying  incident  has  marred  the  day.  As 
I  think  back  upon  it,  adding  deduction  to 
deduction,  superimposing  surmise  upon  sus 
picion  and  suspicion  in  turn  upon  premise 
and  fact,  I  am  forced,  against  my  very  will, 
to  conclude  that,  forgetting  the  dignity  due 
one  in  my  position,  some  person  or  persons 
to  me  unknown  made  a  partially  successful 
attempt  to  enact  a  practical  joke  of  the  most 


Lover's  Leap        231 

unpardonable  character,  having  for  a  chosen 
victim  none  other  than  myself.  I  say  par 
tially  successful,  because  at  the  moment 
when  the  plot  approached  its  climax  a  sub 
tle  inner  sense  warned  me  to  have  a  care  and 
I  refused  to  proceed  farther,  thus  robbing 
the  perpetrator  or  perpetrators  of  the  antici 
pated  laugh  at  my  expense. 

I  shall  set  down  the  history  of  the  entire 
affair.  On  yesterday,  as  I  have  stated,  a 
telephone  was  duly  installed  within  the  pre 
cincts  of  my  study.  This  forenoon  I 
chanced  to  mention  the  matter  to  Miss 
Hamm  whom,  by  a  coincidence,  I  encoun 
tered  as  she  was  entering  the  seminary 
grounds.  Indeed  as  I  recall,  I  spoke  upon 
the  topic  to  a  number  of  persons,  including 
fellow  instructors  and  students,  remarking 
upon  the  added  opportunities  thus  afforded 
for  broadened  intercourse  through  the  me 
dium  of  a  device  which  has  grown  well- 
nigh  indispensable  to  the  conduct  of  our 
daily  affairs.  Some  one — Miss  Hamm  as 
I  remember,  although  it  may  have  been  an 
other — was  moved  in  this  connection  to  ask 
me  whether  the  inspection  department  of 


232        Fibble,  D.  D. 

the  local  exchange  had  made  the  customary 
tests  of  the  instrument  in  my  study,  to  which 
I  replied  in  the  negative. 

But  at  five  of  the  clock  or  thereabout,  as 
I  sat  here  enjoying  the  refreshing  solace  of 
tea  and  basking  in  the  mild  spring  air 
wafted  to  me  through  my  opened  windows, 
the  telephone  bell  rang.  Arising  promptly, 
I  went  to  where  the  instrument  is  affixed 
to  the  wall  and  responded  to  the  call  in  the 
conventional  manner  by  placing  the  re 
ceiver  to  my  ear,  applying  my  lips  to  the 
transmitter  and  uttering  the  word  "Halloa!" 
twice,  or  possibly  thrice  repeated.  Over 
the  wire  then  a  female  voice  spoke,  enquir 
ing  if  this  were  Doctor  Fibble?  Upon  my 
stating  that  such  was  the  case,  the  voice  said : 

"Doctor,  this  is  the  inspection  depart 
ment.  We  wish  to  test  your  telephone. 
Will  you  be  so  kind  as  to  help  us?" 

To  which  I  responded: 

"Willingly,  if  it  lies  within  my  power  to 
render  such  assistance." 

"Thank  you,"  said  the  other.  "Are  you 
ready  to  begin?" 

"Quite  ready,"  I  said. 


Lover's  Leap         233 

"Very  well  then,"  bade  the  voice. 
"Kindly  stand  back  two  feet  from  the 
mouthpiece  and  say  coo-coo  three  times, 
with  a  rising  inflection  on  the  final  coo." 

The  request  appeared  reasonable;  accord 
ingly  I  complied. 

"Splendid,"  praised  the  unknown  when 
I  had  concluded.  "Now  put  your  mouth 
close  up  to  the  transmitter  and  do  the  same 
thing  all  over  again,  but  slightly  louder." 

No  sooner  requested  than  done. 

"Now  stand  two  feet  to  the  left  of  the 
phone  and  repeat." 

I  repeated. 

"Now  two  feet  to  the  right,  please." 

Once  more  I  obeyed. 

Then  came  this  message: 

"Doctor,  have  you  a  chair  handy?" 

I  said  a  chair  was  at  the  moment  within 
arm's  reach  of  me. 

"Excellent,"  said  this  person  who  pro 
fessed  to  be  in  charge  of  the  test.  "Please 
draw  the  chair  close  up  to  the  wall,  climb 
upon  it  and,  standing  on  tiptoe,  say  coo-coo 
clearly  and  distinctly  and  keep  on  saying  it 
until  I  call  out  'Enough.'  " 


234        Fibble,  D.  D. 

Marvelling  that  such  a  prolonged  test 
should  be  deemed  necessary,  I  nevertheless 
obliged  by  acting  as  instructed.  I  had  re 
peated  the  word  for  what  seemed  to  me  an 
interminable  space  of  time  and  was  rap 
idly  becoming  wearied  by  the  exertion  of 
maintaining  the  position  required  when  the 
voice  said  "Enough."  I  lost  no  time  in  dis 
mounting  to  terra  firma,  or  rather  the  floor. 

"Thank  you  so  much,"  (Stated  the  un 
known.  "Just  one  more  little  test,  doctor, 
and  we'll  be  through.  Have  you  a  good 
singing  voice?" 

In  proper  modesty  but  with  a  due  regard 
for  the  truth,  I  admitted  that  although  I 
never  enjoyed  the  advantages  of  vocal  cul 
ture,  friends  had  more  than  once  commented 
upon  the  quality  of  my  voice  when  uplifted 
in  song. 

"I  sing  tenor,"  I  amplified,  for  as  yet  I 
suspected  nothing. 

"Very  well  then,"  bade  the  stranger;  "are 
you  holding  the  receiver  to  your  ear?" 

"I  am." 

"Keep  it  there.    And  now  stand  on  your 


'SAY  COO-COO  CLEARLY  AND  DISTINCTLY  AND  KEEP  ON 
SAYING  IT  UNTIL  I  CALL  OUT  'ENOUGH'" 


Lover's  Leap         235 

head  and  sing  'Just  as  I  am  Without  One 
Plea.' " 

I  started  back  astounded.  Instantly  I  di 
vined,  in  a  lightning  flash  of  intuition,  that 
apparently  an  effort  was  being  made  to  per 
petrate  a  hoax.  In  the  same  moment  I  ar 
rived  at  the  definite  conclusion  that  the 
object  of  that  hoax  could  be  none  other  than 
myself.  For  a  fleeting  period  my  natural 
indignation  was  such  that  language  almost 
failed  me. 

Simultaneously  I  became  aware  of  a 
sound  as  of  suppressed  laughter  outside  my 
study  window.  Releasing  my  hold  upon 
the  receiver  which,  until  then,  mechan 
ically  I  had  retained  in  my  grasp,  I  stepped 
to  my  casement  and  peered  out,  first  looking 
this  way,  then  that.  No  one  was  in  sight; 
I  must  have  fancied  I  heard  something. 

When  I  had  in  part  recovered  myself  I 
lost  no  time  in  calling  up  the  manager  of 
the  exchange,  my  intent  being  to  explain 
the  entire  circumstance  to  him,  with  a  view 
to  demanding  condign  punishment  of  the 
person  in  his  inspection  department,  who 
ever  she  might  be,  who  with  wilful  design 


236          Ftbble,  D.  D. 

had  sought  to  debase  the  organisation  of  his 
office  to  purposes  of  ill-timed  merrymaking. 
He  cut  me  short  to  say  he  had  no  such  test 
ing  department  whatsoever.  From  his  tone 
I  was  impelled  to  accept  his  statement  as  a 
truthful  one,  all  of  which  but  served  to  con 
firm  my  suspicions  without  in  the  least  ex 
plaining  the  mystery  which  at  this  hour 
remains  unsolved.  I  am  puzzled — nay, 
more,  I  am  nettled,  and  did  I  not  possess 
the  power  of  holding  my  emotions  under  a 
well-nigh  perfect  control,  I  would  go  so 
far  as  to  say  that  I  have  been  outright  irri 
tated. 

APRIL  THE  TWENTY-THIRD.— My  earlier 
suspicions  stand  confirmed.  To-day,  as  I 
was  passing  through  a  corridor  of  the  main 
building,  I  twice  heard  the  word  "coo-coo" 
repeated  in  a  sibilant  undertone.  Spinning 
upon  my  heel,  I  detected  a  group  of  our 
seniors  who  with  difficulty  stifled  their 
merriment;  and  I  saw,  too,  Miss  Hamm, 
her  face  illumined  by  a  smile,  with  one 
hand  upraised  as  though  in  gentle  admoni 
tion  of  them.  This  helped  to  explain  much. 


Lover's  Leap         237 

The  raillery  could  not  have  been  intended 
for  me,  since  already  I  had  passed  on. 
Moreover,  none  here  knows  of  the  experi 
ence  through  which  I  passed,  and  the  con 
tretemps  averted  by  my  own  presence  of 
mind.  Therefore,  it  is  quite  plain  that  the 
would-be  joker  has  been  playing  similar 
pranks  upon  others  at  Fernbridge. 

I  wonder  whether  Miss  Hamm  herself 
could  have  been  a  victim  of  such  outrageous 
imposition? 

Botanised  alone  this  afternoon,  feeling 
strongly  the  desire  for  congenial  companion 
ship.  Why  does  this  longing  so  frequently 
beset  me  when  I  go  forth  to  commune  with 
Nature  in  her  gentler  moods?  I  know  not, 
unless  it  be  the  influence  of  the  vernal  sea 
son. 

Secured  several  desirable  specimens.  Re 
turning  through  the  gloaming  I  felt  a  de 
sire  to  indulge  in  poetic  composition,  and 
did  in  fact  compose  several  well-balanced 
lines,  being  finally  balked  by  an  inability  to 
recall  a  word  which  would  rhyme  with  a 
certain  female  name  I  had  in  mind. 

In  its  entirety  a  disappointing  day,  al- 


238         Fibble,  D.  D. 

belt  not  without  its  moments  of  what  I  may 
term  a  softly  soothing  melancholy. 

APRIL  THE  TWENTY-SIXTH.— Word  came 
this  morning  that  Miss  Hamm  was  con 
fined  to  her  home  in  an  ailing  condition. 
As  a  member  of  the  faculty  and  because  of 
the  interest  I  take  in  the  prospective  devel 
opment  of  this  young  woman's  character,  I 
felt  it  my  bounden  duty  to  send  her  a  short 
note  expressing  my  regret  that  she  should 
be  indisposed  and  my  sincere  hope  that  she 
may  soon  be  restored  to  her  customary 
health.  Did  so.  Upon  finishing  the  note  an 
impulse  to  accompany  it  with  a  small  nose 
gay  culled  from  my  window  box  came  upon 
me.  Obeyed  the  impulse,  note  and  nosegay 
being  despatched  by  special  messenger  to 
the  home  of  her  uncle. 

APRIL  THE  TWENTY-SEVENTH. — Miss 
Hamm  still  absent  from  her  post  and  no 
answer  forthcoming  from  my  note  of  yes 
terday. 

Altogether  a  dismal  and  dispiriting  day, 
several  members  of  my  history  class  evinc- 


Lover's  Leap         239 

ing  great  stupidity  during  the  lesson  periods. 
To-night  a  threat  of  rain  in  the  firma 
ment,  with  clouds  gathering  and  a  murky 
twilight.  Being  of  a  nature  more  or  less 
sensitive  to  atmospheric  influences,  I  feel 
a  corresponding  gloominess. 

APRIL  THE  TWENTY-EIGHTH.— A  line  of 
thanks  in  Miss  Hamm's  handwriting  re 
ceived  ;  short  but  couched  attractively,  me- 
thought.  Was  particularly  struck  by  one- 
line  phrase:  "So  very  good  of  you  to  think 
of  me!" 

Weather  clearing  and  promising! 

APRIL  THE  THIRTIETH.— Miss  Hamm  re 
turned  to  her  work  betimes  to-day,  a  slight 
but  becoming  pallor  in  her  cheeks.  Took 
occasion  to  congratulate  her  upon  so  speedy 
a  recuperation,  incidentally  exchanging 
with  her  comment  upon  contemporaneous 
events,  not  only  within  the  scope  of  our 
seminary  life  but  in  the  great  world  at  large. 

Rarely,  if  ever,  do  I  recall  a  more  beauti 
ful  sunset  than  the  one  of  current  date. 
Merely  to  behold  the  orb  of  day  descend- 


240          Fibble,  D.  D. 

ing  beyond  the  western  horizon  in  all  its 
magnificence  of  prismatic  colouring  was 
sufficient  to  awaken  within  one's  bosom  the 
desire  to  burst  into  song. 

Am  reminded  that  the  morrow  will  be 
May  Day  when,  in  the  olden  days  in  Merrie 
England,  the  happy  populace  were  wont 
to  frolic  about  the  May  pole,  to  indulge  in 
morris  dances,  to  witness  mummeries  and 
mystery  plays.  How  great  the  pity  that 
such  pleasant  customs  should  have  fallen 
into  misuse!  I  would  they  were  revived 
here  at  Fernbridge!  Fain  would  I  myself 
lend  my  energies  and  talents  to  such  an  un 
dertaking.  At  least  so  do  I  feel  at  this  mo 
ment. 

Eleven-thirty-eight  P.  M. — Have  arisen 
from  my  couch  to  jot  down  several  rhyth 
mic  lines  which  came  to  me  subsequent  to 
retirement;  a  continuation  in  spirit  and 
theme  of  the  verses  which  I  began  some 
days  ago.  However,  the  work  still  remains 
incomplete,  for  after  much  pondering  I  am 
unable  to  find  a  word  rhyming  to  the  word 
with  which  I  had  intended  to  conclude  the 
composition. 


Lover's  Leap         241 

How  euphonious  to  the  ear  and  yet  how 
unusual  is  the  name  Hildegarde!  I  imag 
ine  that  the  difficulty  of  suitably  rhyming  it 
is  the  very  reason  for  my  having  chosen  it. 

MAY  THE  SEVENTH.— To-day  at  faculty 
meeting  Miss  Primleigh  evinced  toward  me 
a  marked  coolness  of  demeanour  and  short 
ness  of  speech,  for  which  I  am  totally  un 
able  to  account.  I  cannot  recall  having 
given  offence  either  by  word  or  deed.  In 
deed,  for  a  fortnight  past  I  have  been  so 
engrossed  with  other  matters  that  barely 
have  I  spoken  ten  words  to  Miss  Primleigh. 

To-night  reread  "A  Dream  of  Fair  Wo 
men,"  by  the  late  Lord  Tennyson,  finding 
everywhere  in  it  new  beauties,  new  mean 
ings,  which  upon  the  occasion  of  earlier 
readings  had  entirely  escaped  me. 

Found  opportunity  this  afternoon  to  pay 
another  of  my  little  visits  to  the  gymnasium 
hall.  Complimented  Miss  Hamm  upon  the 
indubitable  progress  made  by  her  disciples. 
I  find  these  small  casual  calls  upon  various 
departments  of  our  work  form  agreeable 
interludes  in  the  monotony  of  the  day. 


242         Fibble,  D.  D. 

Her  hair  is  not  chestnut  brown;  I  was 
wrong  there.  It  is  of  a  rich,  golden-reddish 
tint,  a  shade  to  which  I  am  quite  partial, 
especially  when  observed  in  conjunction 
with  large  hazel  eyes,  as  in  the  present  in 
stance. 

MAY  THE  EIGHTH. — To-night,  being 
minded  to  seek  relaxation  in  literature,  I 
picked  up  my  Tasso,  but,  soon  tiring  of  the 
Latin,  I  exchanged  it  for  Shakspere's  "Ro 
meo  and  Juliet."  I  am  gratified  that  I  made 
this  second  choice,  for  from  it  has  sprung 
an  inspiration  which  may  prove  fruitful. 
Hardly  had  I  opened  the  latter  volume 
when  the  idea,  darting  forth,  so  to  speak, 
from  the  typed  page,  found  congenial  lodg 
ment  in  my  intelligence. 

It  is  our  custom,  upon  the  occasion  of  our 
annual  commencement  in  June,  to  present 
a  scene  selected  from  the  realms  of  classic 
drama,  with  members  of  the  faculty  and 
of  the  student  body  enacting  the  characters. 
Last  year,  by  mine  own  suggestion,  we  pre 
sented  an  act  of  one  of  the  old  Greek  trag 
edies,  I,  as  sponsor  for  the  conception,  re- 


Lover 's  Leap        243 

hearsing  the  performers  beforehand  and  up 
on  the  final  day  personally  superintending 
the  performance;  stage  managing  it,  as  the 
cant  term  runs.  Although  I  gave  great 
pains  and  care  to  the  production,  it  did  not 
prove  in  all  essential  regards  an  unqualified 
success.  The  audience,  made  up  of  friends 
and  patrons  of  Fernbridge  and  of  towns 
people,  manifested  toward  the  last  a  re 
grettable  lack  of  interest.  Some  betrayed 
impatience,  some  fitfully  slumbered  in  their 
seats,  some  even  laughed  outright  at  periods 
fraught  with  solemn  meaning.  One  could 
but  feel  that  one's  efforts  went  unappreci 
ated.  But  scarce  an  hour  ago,  as  I  read 
sundry  immortal  passages  of  the  Bard,  I 
said  to  myself: 

"Why  not  offer  this  year,  as  our  dramatic 
piece  de  resistance,  the  balcony  scene  from 
Romeo  and  Juliet?  Happy  thought!  Why 
not  indeed?  And  now  tentatively  to  cast 
it?" 

As  one  well  qualified  for  the  part,  I  natu 
rally  pictured  myself,  as  Romeo,  clad  ap 
propriately  in  doublet,  hose  and  feathered 
cap,  but  without  my  glasses.  Casting  about 


2W         Fibble,  D.  D. 

in  my  mind  for  a  suitable  Juliet,  the  name 
of  Miss  Hamm  occurred  to  me. 

Reading  from  the  book  I  proceeded  to 
enact  this  most  touching  scene,  alternately 
speaking  in  my  own  voice  as  Romeo  and 
then  imparting  to  Juliet's  line  a  more  dul 
cet  tone  and  a  softened  inflection  such  as  my 
copartner  in  the  rendition  would  employ. 
Carried  away  by  the  beauty  of  the  thought, 
I  had  progressed  as  far  as  those  exquisite 
lines — Juliet's  lines  in  this  instance: 

O,  swear  not  by  the  moon,  th'  inconstant 

moon, 

That  monthly  changes  in  her  circled  orb, 
Lest  that  thy  love  prove  likewise  variable — 

when  I  became  cognisant  that  for  some  mo 
ments  past  an  insistent  rapping  against  the 
outer  door  of  my  rooms  had  been  in  prog 
ress,  and  then  as  I  came  to  a  pause  I  heard 
through  the  keyhole  the  voice  of  Miss  Tup- 
per,  our  matron,  inquiring  whether  any 
thing  serious  was  the  matter. 

"I  thought  I  heard  somebody  carrying 
on  in  there  as  though  they  might  be  raving 


Lover's  Leap         245 

or  something?"  she  added  in  her  inept  fash 
ion  of  speech. 

Much  annoyed,  I  answered  with  some 
acerbity,  bidding  her  kindly  to  be  gone. 
She  withdrew,  grumbling  as  she  went. 
When  I  had  assured  myself,  by  a  glance  out 
of  my  door,  that  she  had  entirely  departed, 
I  undertook  to  proceed  with  the  scene,  but 
as  a  consequence  of  this  untoward  inter 
ruption  was  quite  out  of  spirit  with  the 
thing. 

However,  I  am  still  greatly  attracted  to 
the  idea,  and  on  the  morrow  I  mean  to  take 
advantage  of  suitable  opportunity  to  ad 
dress  Miss  Hamm  upon  the  project  with  a 
view  to  enlisting  her  sympathies  and  co-op 
eration,  as  no  doubt  I  shall  succeed  in  do 
ing.  My  powers  of  persuasion  frequently 
have  been  the  subject  of  compliment. 

Finished  the  bottle  of  Great-Aunt  Paul 
ina's  blood  tonic  this  evening.  Shall  not 
have  the  prescription  renewed  as  originally 
contemplated.  Diverting  thoughts  appear 
to  be  succeeding  where  herbs  and  simples 
failed. 


246          Fibble,  D.  D. 

MAY  THE  NINTH.— This  forenoon  upon 
my  broaching  the  topic  of  our  prospective 
coappearance  in  the  annual  commence 
ment  entertainment,  subject,  of  course,  to 
Miss  Waddleton's  approval,  I  found,  as  I 
had  anticipated  would  be  the  case,  that 
Miss  Hamm  was  quite  thoroughly  in  ac 
cord  with  the  proposition.  However,  at  the 
outset  she  misunderstood  one  point.  Plainly 
it  was  her  idea  that  she,  in  mediaeval  mas 
culine  attire,  was  to  essay  the  role  of  Romeo. 
She  asked  who  was  to  be  Juliet  to  her 
Romeo.  When  I  had  corrected  her  in  this 
error,  explaining  the  proposed  bestowal  of 
the  roles — she  as  Juliet  upon  the  balcony, 
I  as  Romeo  upon  the  stage  below — she 
seemed  quite  overcome  with  gratification, 
managing,  however,  in  part  to  cloak  her 
feelings  beneath  smiles  and  laughter. 

I  then  voiced  the  suggestion  that  I  should 
be  very  glad  indeed  to  call  upon  her  some 
evening  in  the  near  future  at  her  home, 
there  to  outline  the  plans  more  fully. 
Pleased  that  she  should  so  freely  welcome 
this  advance  upon  my  part,  I  was  moved 
to  suggest  the  present  evening  as  a  suitable 


Lover's  Leap         247 

time  for  calling.  But  she,  it  appeared,  had 
an  engagement  for  this  evening,  and  we 
then  fixed  upon  to-morrow  evening  at  eight 
o'clock. 

To-night  I  find  myself  looking  forward 
with  pleasurable  anticipation,  not  unmixed 
with  impatience,  to  this  hour  twenty-four 
hours  hence.  I  shall  wear  a  new  suit  which 
this  day,  by  a  fortunate  chance,  came  from 
my  tailor.  It  is  of  a  light  grey  tone,  a  de 
viation  from  the  black  which  uniformly  I 
have  worn  for  some  years  past. 

Before  retiring  I  shall  again  rehearse  the 
balcony  scene,  but  this  time,  in  a  low  key, 
to  preclude  eavesdropping. 

I  wonder  what  the  nature  of  Miss 
Hamm's  engagement  for  the  current  eve 
ning  may  be? 

MAY  THE  TENTH.— The  hour  is  eleven 
and  I  have  but  just  returned  from  a  visit  of 
several  hours'  duration  to  the  home  of  Miss 
Hamm's  uncle,  of  which  domicile  she  seems 
to  be  the  light  and  the  joy.  Excluding  her 
self — and  this  I  would  be  the  last  to  do — 
the  only  member  of  the  household,  save 


248          Fibble,  D.  D. 

and  except  domestic  servants,  is  her  uncle 
and  guardian,  Mr.  Hector  Hamm,  a  wid 
ower  by  reason  of  death's  ravages  and  a  re 
tired  business  man  of  apparent  affluent  cir 
cumstances.  This  gentleman,  it  developed, 
is  much  given  to  the  sports  of  the  chase. 
His  study,  into  which  I  was  first  introduced 
upon  arriving  at  his  domicile  shortly  before 
seven-forty-five,  abounds  in  trophies  of  his 
marksmanship,  the  walls  upon  every  hand 
being  adorned  with  the  stuffed  forms  and 
mounted  heads  of  birds  and  animals,  testi 
fying  not  only  to  his  prowess  afield  but  to 
the  art  preservative  as  exercised  by  the 
skilled  taxidermist.  Miss  Hamm,  in  her 
quaint  way,  spoke  of  the  uncle  as  an  old 
dear,  but  accused  him  of  wasting  all  his 
money  in  the  buying  of  new  firearms.  It 
would  appear  that  no  sooner  does  he  behold 
an  advertisement  touching  upon  a  new  and 
improved  variety  of  fowling  piece  than  he 
is  actuated  by  an  overmastering  desire  to 
become  its  possessor.  Strange  fancy! 

Mr.  Hamm  is  likewise  the  owner  of  a 
number  of  members  of  the  canine  kingdom, 
all  of  them,  I  should  assume,  being  docile 


Lover's  Leap         249 

beasts  and  well  meaning  enough,  but  with 
an  unpleasant  habit  of  sniffing  at  the  calves 
of  the  legs  of  strangers  the  while  emitting 
low  ominous  growling  sounds.  Possibly  de 
tecting  in  me  some  natural  apprehension 
consequent  upon  the  stealthy  approach  of 
one  of  these  pets,  Mr.  Hamm  hastened 
to  inform  me  that  they  rarely  bit  any  one 
unless  they  took  an  instinctive  dislike  to 
him  at  the  moment  of  meeting.  As  I  drew 
my  limbs  well  under  me,  since  it  seemed  it 
was  my  legs  which  especially  aggravated 
the  creature,  meanwhile  uttering  such  sooth 
ing  remarks  as  "Good  doggie"  and  "Nice 
old  Ponto,"  I  could  scarce  refrain  from  re 
marking  that  if  one  felt  the  desire  for  the 
presence  of  dumb  creatures  about  one,  why 
did  not  one  choose  a  cat,  of  which  at  least 
it  may  be  said  that  its  habits  are  restful  and 
its  customary  mien  without  menace  to  the 
humans  with  whom  it  may  be  thrown  in 
contact? 

Presently  the  uncle  withdrew  from  our 
society,  to  my  relief  taking  with  him  his 
pack,  whereupon  Miss  Hamm  and  I  re 
paired  to  the  parlour  adjacent,  where  a 


250         Fibble,  D.  D. 

most  delightful  evening  was  had.  Miss 
Hamm's  conversation,  even  though  marked 
by  a  levity  not  at  all  times  in  keeping  with 
the  nature  of  the  subject  under  discussion, 
is,  I  find,  sprightly  and  diverting  in  the  ex 
treme.  All  in  all,  time  passed  most  swiftly. 
A  suitable  hour  of  departure  had  arrived 
before  I  remembered  that  I  had  altogether 
failed  to  bring  up  the  topic  which  was  the 
occasion  of  my  visit — to  wit,  our  prospec 
tive  part  in  the  commencement  entertain 
ment. 

Accordingly  I  arranged  to  call  again 
to-morrow  evening. 

MAY  THE  SIXTEENTH. — As  per  my  cus 
tom  of  late  I  spent  the  evening  at  the  resi 
dence  of  Mr.  Hamm;  the  time  being  de 
voted  to  the  pleasures  of  conversation,  rid 
dles,  anagrams — at  which  I  am  adept — in 
terchange  of  views  upon  current  events, 
et  cetera,  et  cetera. 

Reviewing  recent  events  here  in  my  study 
as  the  hour  of  midnight  draws  on  apace,  I 
own  frankly  to  an  ever-deepening  interest 
in  this  young  woman.  There  are  moments 


Lover's  Leap         251 

when  I  feel  strangely  drawn  to  her;  mo 
ments  when  her  society  exhilarates  me  as 
does  nothing  else. 

How  marvellous,  how  incomprehensible 
are  the  workings  of  the  manifestations  of 
the  human  imagination!  Consider  the  dif 
ferences  in  our  modes  of  life,  our  fashions 
of  speech,  our  habits!  I  refer  of  course  to 
Miss  Hamm  and  myself.  I  am  sedentary 
in  nature  and  utterly  without  sentimental 
leanings — I  use  the  word  sentimental  in 
its  most  respectful  sense — toward  members 
of  the  opposite  six;  I  am  wedded  to  my 
profession,  devoted  to  the  life  of  a  scholar, 
while  she,  upon  the  other  hand,  is  ardent 
and  exuberant  in  temperament,  frolicsome, 
blithe,  at  times  almost  frivolous  in  conver 
sation,  given  to  all  forms  of  outdoor  sport, 
filled  with  youthful  dreams.  Consider,  too, 
the  disparity  in  our  respective  ages,  she 
being,  as  I  am  informed  by  her  in  a  burst 
of  youthful  confidence,  still  in  her  twenty- 
second  year,  while  I  shall  be  forty  upon  my 
next  birthday,  come  Michaelmas. 

Yet,  despite  all  this,  the  fact  remains  that 
frequently  I  feel  a  longing,  amounting  al- 


252         Fibble,  D.  D. 

most  to  a  yearning,  for  her  company.  Un 
doubtedly  the  explanation  lies  in  my  in 
creasing  desire  to  develop,  by  precept,  by 
proverb  and  by  admonition,  the  higher  side 
of  her  nature.  Moreover,  it  is  to  me  evident 
that  this  intercourse  must  prove  mutually 
helpful.  Quite  aside  from  the  beneficial 
results  to  her,  I  myself  derive,  from  these 
friendly  and  purely  altruistic  endeavours  of 
mine,  a  glow  of  intense  satisfaction.  How 
true  it  is  that  a  worthy  deed  ofttimes  carries 
with  it  its  own  reward! 

MAY  THE  SEVENTEENTH. — I  have  de 
cided  to  take  up  horseback  riding.  Miss 
Hamm  is  fond  of  horseback  riding. 

However,  I  have  not  informed  her  of  the 
decision  at  which  I  have  arrived.  It  is  my 
intention  to  prosecute  my  lessons  in  private 
at  the  establishment  of  the  village  livery 
man  and  then,  when  I  have  fully  mastered 
the  art,  I  shall  some  day  appear  before  her, 
properly  accoutred  and  attired,  bestriding 
a  mettlesome  charger.  I  picture  her  as 
tonishment  and  her  delight  at  thus  behold 
ing  me  in  my  new  role  of  a  finished  and 


Lover's  Leap         253 

adept  equestrian.  In  order  to  confer  a 
pleasant  surprise  upon  one's  friends,  I  feel 
that  I  would  go  farther  even  than  this.  In 
deed,  a  desire  to  do  valiant  and  heroic 
deeds,  to  rescue  imperilled  ones  from  burn 
ing  buildings  or  from  floods,  to  perform 
acts  of  foolhardiness  and  daring  upon  the 
field  of  carnage,  has  often  stirred  within  me 
here  of  late.  I  struggle  with  these  im 
pulses,  which  heretofore  have  been  foreign 
to  my  being,  yet  at  the  same  time  would 
welcome  opportunity  to  vent  them.  How 
ever,  all  things  in  their  proper  order  and 
one  thing  at  a  time.  I  shall  begin  by  be 
coming  an  accomplished  horseman. 

In  anticipation  of  such  an  achievement 
I  feel,  as  it  were,  youthful — in  fact,  almost 
boyish.  After  all,  what  matters  a  few  years' 
difference  in  age  as  between  friends?  Is 
not  one  as  young  as  one  feels? 

MAY  THE  EIGHTEENTH. — Spent  the  eve 
ning  at  the  Hamm  residence  as  usual. 

A  perfect  day  and  a  perfect  evening,  bar 
ring  one  small  disappointment.  Miss  Wad- 
dleton  vetoed  my  plans  for  the  rendition  of 


254          Fibble,  D.  D. 

the  balcony  scene  at  commencement  next 
month.  Yet  I  do  not  count  as  wasted  the 
time  spent  in  private  rehearsals  of  the  role 
of  Romeo,  but  have,  on  the  contrary,  de 
rived  much  joy  from  repeated  conning  of 
the  speeches  attributed  to  him  by  the  Bard. 
At  a  time  not  far  distant  "Lear"  was  my  fa 
vourite  among  Shakespeare's  plays.  Now  I 
marvel  that  I  should  ever  have  preferred 
any  of  his  works  to  "Romeo  and  Juliet." 

MAY  THE  TWENTY- SECOND. — After  re 
flection  extending  over  a  period  of  days,  I 
have  abandoned  my  perhaps  o'erhasty  in 
tention  of  taking  up  horseback  riding,  my 
preliminary  experiences  in  that  direction 
having  been  rather  disagreeable  as  to  the 
physical  side.  Even  now,  forty-eight  hours 
after  the  initial  lesson,  I  am  still  much 
bruised  about  the  limbs  and  elsewhere  and, 
because  of  a  certain  corporeal  stiffness  due 
to  repeated  jarrings,  I  walk  with  painful 
difficulty. 

Either  I  shall  acquire  the  rudiments  of 
this  accomplishment  from  standard  works 
upon  the  subject,  or  I  shall  bide  my  time 


Lover's  Leap        255 

until  I  may  avail  myself  of  the  services  of 
an  animal  of  a  more  docile  nature  than  those 
available  at  the  local  liveryman's.  His 
horses,  it  would  appear,  are  subject  to  queer 
vagaries  of  conduct  when  under  saddle,  be 
traying  an  idiosyncrasy  as  to  movement  and 
a  pronounced  tendency  to  break  into  rapid 
gait  without  the  approval  or  indeed  the 
consent  of  the  rider. 

My  thoughts  recur  to  the  recreation  of 
botanizing,  which  for  a  period  lost  some  of 
its  savour  for  me.  At  least,  botany  is  fraught 
with  no  personal  discomforts. 

Called  as  usual  this  evening.  Nightly  our 
acquaintance  ripens  toward  a  perfect  mu 
tual  understanding. 

This  has  indeed  been  a  lovely  spring! 

MAY  THE  TWENTY-THIRD. — It  is  with  a 
sensation  of  more  than  passing  annoyance 
that  I  record  the  events  of  this  evening.  At 
seven-fifteen,  immediately  after  tea,  I  set 
forth  for  the  Hamm  residence,  carrying 
under  my  arm  a  book  of  verses  intended 
for  bestowal  upon  the  young  chatelaine  of 
that  happy  home,  and  much  buoyed  and 


256         Fibble,  D.  D. 

uplifted  by  prospects  of  a  period  of  agree 
able  divertisement  spent  in  her  society. 
But  such  was  not  to  be. 

To  begin  with,  the  uncle  consumed  much 
valuable  time  in  an  interminable  disserta 
tion  upon  the  merits  of  a  new  fowling  piece 
which  he  contemplates  purchasing.  One 
was  thoroughly  wearied  of  the  subject  be 
fore  he  had  the  good  taste  to  depart  to  his 
own  special  domain  in  the  room  adjoining 
the  parlour.  Thereafter  for  a  few  minutes 
all  passed  well.  Miss  Hamm  accepted  the 
gift  of  the  book  with  expressions  of  deep 
gratitude.  Her  mood  was  one  of  whimsi 
cality,  into  the  spirit  of  which  I  found  my 
self  entering  with  hearty  accord.  Being  a 
most  capable  mimic,  she  gave  a  spirited  and 
life-like  imitation  of  Miss  Primleigh  in  the 
act  of  reprimanding  a  delinquent  student. 
One  could  not  well  restrain  one's  laughter 
at  the  aptitude  with  which  she  reproduced 
Miss  Primleigh's  severity  of  expression  and 
somewhat  acid  quality  of  voice.  One  gath 
ered  also,  from  chance  remarks  let  fall,  that 
Miss  Primleigh  had  lately  treated  Miss 
Hamm  with  marked  aversion  bordering 


Lover's  Leap         257 

upon  actual  discourtesy.  How  any  one, 
thrown  in  contact  with  her,  could  regard 
Miss  Hamm  with  any  feelings  save  those  of 
admiration  and  respect  is  quite  beyond  my 
comprehension. 

However,  I  contented  myself  by  saying 
that  Miss  Primleigh  had  likewise  displayed 
a  coolness  to  me  for  some  weeks  past.  "I 
wonder,"  I  said,  continuing  in  this  strain, 
"why  this  should  be  and  why  she  should 
likewise  single  you  out  as  a  recipient  of  her 
disapproval — or  let  us  say  her  disfavour?" 

"Can't  you  guess?"  said  Miss  Hamm, 
with  an  arch  expression  and  a  peculiar  in 
flection  in  her  words.  Puzzled,  I  shook  my 
head. 

At  this  juncture  another  interruption 
occurred.  A  caller  in  the  person  of  a  Mr. 
Pomeroy  was  announced  by  the  maidserv 
ant.  I  had  heard  Miss  Hamm  refer  to  this 
person  on  divers  preceding  occasions  and 
from  the  outset  had  taken  a  dislike  to  the 
sound  of  his  name.  It  would  appear  that 
he  resides  in  the  city  of  Baltimore,  Mary 
land,  and  that  he  knew  Miss  Hamm  and 
her  uncle  ere  their  removal  to  these  parts. 


258         Ftbble,  D.  D. 

It  would  appear  also  that  he  arrived  here 
this  afternoon  with  the  avowed  intention 
of  remaining  several  days  in  our  peaceful 
community — why,  though,  I  know  not,  un 
less  it  be  that  perversely  he  would  inflict 
himself  upon  a  young  lady  who  conceiv 
ably  cannot  possibly  be  interested  in  his 
society  or  in  the  idle  vapourings  of  his 
mind. 

Almost  immediately  this  Mr.  Pomeroy 
was  ushered  into  our  presence.  His  appear 
ance,  his  demeanour,  his  entire  ensemble, 
were  such  as  to  confirm  in  me  the  prejudice 
engendered  against  him  e'en  before  I  beheld 
him  in  the  flesh.  His  dress  was  of  an  ex 
travagant  and  exaggerated  style,  and  his 
overly  effusive  manner  of  greeting  Miss 
Hamm  extremely  distasteful,  while  his  at 
titude  toward  me  was  one  of  flamboyant 
familiarity;  altogether  I  should  say  a  young 
man  of  forward  tendencies,  shallow,  flip 
pant,  utterly  lacking  in  the  deeper  and  finer 
sensibilities  which  ever  distinguish  those 
of  true  culture,  and  utterly  disregardful  of 
the  proper  and  ordained  conventionalities. 
In  conversation  he  is  addicted  to  vain  follies 


Lover's  Leap         259 

and  meaningless  witticisms,  and  his  laugh 
ter,  in  which  he  is  prone  to  indulge  without 
due  cause  so  far  as  I  can  note,  has  a  most 
grating  sound  upon  the  ear.  In  short,  I  do 
not  care  for  this  young  man;  freely  and 
frankly  I  confess  it  here. 

I  had  meant  to  stay  on  until  he  had  be 
taken  himself  away,  being  minded  to  have 
a  few  words  in  private  with  Miss  Hamm 
touching  upon  Miss  Primleigh's  peculiar 
and  inexplicable  attitude  toward  us,  but 
since  he  persisted  in  remaining  on  and  on,  I, 
having  a  proper  regard  for  the  proprieties, 
was  constrained  shortly  after  eleven  o'clock 
to  depart.  As  I  was  upon  the  point  of  go 
ing,  he  halted  me,  saying  in  effect: 

"Doctor,  you're  a  college  professor — I 
want  to  ask  you  a  scientific  question  and 
sec  if  you  can  give  me  a  scientific  answer.1' 

"Pray  proceed,"  I  said,  smiling  gently  in 
Miss  Hamm's  direction. 

"Why,"  he  said,  "is  a  mouse  that  spins?" 

He  then  paused  as  though  awaiting  my 
reply,  and  when  I  confessed  myself  unable 
to  hazard  an  answer,  or  even  to  understand 


260         Fibble,  D.  D. 

so  peculiar  a  problem,  with  a  great  dis 
cordant  guffaw  he  said : 

"Why,  the  higher,  the  fewer!" 

Upon  coming  here  I  cogitated  the  matter 
deeply,  but  I  am  as  yet  far  from  a  solution. 
Why  is  a  mouse  that  spins?  And  if  so,  what 
does  it  spin?  Patently  the  query  is  incom 
plete.  And  what  possible  bearing  can  com 
parative  altitude  as  contrasted  with  the  com 
parative  inf  requency  of  a  species  have  upon 
the  peculiarities  of  a  mouse  addicted  to 
spinning? 

I  shall  now  to  bed,  dismissing  all  thoughts 
of  a  certain  boorish  individual  from  my 
mind. 

MAY  THE  TWENTY-FOURTH.— He  lin 
gers  on — the  person  Pomeroy.  It  developed 
this  forenoon  that  he  had  succeeded  in  ex 
torting  from  Miss  Hamm  a  promise  to  per 
mit  him  to  call  this  evening.  I  can  only 
assume  that  through  goodness  of  heart  and 
a  desire  to  avoid  wounding  any  one  she 
again  consented  to  receive  him  at  her  home. 

This  afternoon,  in  thoughtful  mood  not 
untinged  with  vague  repinings,  my  foot- 


Lover's  Leap         261 

steps  carried  me,  unwittingly  as  it  were,  to 
that  beetling  promontory  from  which  our 
peaceful  hamlet  derives  its  name.  For  long 
I  stood  upon  the  crest  of  that  craggy  emi 
nence  wherefrom,  so  tradition  tells  us,  a 
noble  young  chieftain  of  the  aborigines  who 
once  populated  this  locality,  being  despair 
ful  of  winning  the  hand  of  a  fair  maid  of  a 
neighbouring  but  hostile  tribe,  flung  him 
self  in  suicidal  frenzy  adown  the  cliff  to  be 
dashed  into  minute  fragments  upon  the 
cruel  rocks  below.  Meditating  upon  the 
fate  of  this  ill-starred  red  man,  I  communed 
with  mine  own  inner  consciousness.  I  asked 
myself  the  question:  "Did  you,  Fibble, 
emulate  the1  example  of  that  despondent 
Indian  youth  and  leap  headlong  from  this 
peak,  who  in  all  this  careless  world  other 
than  your  Great-Aunt  Paulina  would  be 
moan  your  piteous  end?  Who  would  come 
to  place  with  reverent,  sorrowing  hands  the 
tribute  of  a  floral  design  such  as  a  Broken 
Column  or  a  Gate  Ajar  upon  your  lowly 
bier?  Ah,  who  indeed?" 

It  was  with  difficulty  that  I  tore  myself 
away  from  a  spot  whose  history  so  well 


262         Fibble,  D.  D. 

accorded  with'  the  dismal  trend  of  my 
thoughts.  Presently,  passing  through  a 
leafy  lane  leading  back  to  the  village,  I 
espied  at  some  distance  in  advance  of  me  a 
couple  walking  together  and  apparently 
engaged  in  engrossing  conversation.  A  sec 
ond  glance  served  to  inform  me  that  one  of 
the  pair  was  Miss  Hamm  and  the  other  the 
insufferable  Pomeroy.  In  a  fit  of  petulance 
for  which  I  am  unable  to  account,  unless 
it  be  due  to  my  displeasure  that  he  should 
continue  to  press  his  unwelcome  attentions 
upon  a  young  woman  so  immeasurably  his 
superior,  I  dashed  my  eyeglasses  upon  the 
earth,  thereby  breaking  the  right  lens. 
Yet  I  count  the  damage  as  naught,  nor  do  I 
regret  giving  way  to  so  violent  an  exhibi 
tion  of  temper. 

To-night,  finding  the  seclusion  of  my 
study  dispiriting,  I  went  forth  upon  a  long 
and  purposeless  walk  beneath  the  stars. 
Through  chance  I  found  myself,  at  or  about 
eleven  o'clock,  in  the  vicinity  of  Mr.  Hector 
Hamm's  place  of  residence.  Aimlessly  lin 
gering  here  in  the  shadow  of  the  trees,  I 
soon  espied  Pomeroy  issuing  from  the  gate 


Lover's  Leap        263 

of  the  residence  and  making  off,  whistling 
gaily  as  he  went.  He  disappeared  in  the 
darkness,  still  whistling  in  a  loud  and  vulgar 
manner.  I  could  almost  wish  he  might  be 
choked  by  his  own  whistling.  As  for  my 
self,  I  never  whistle. 

In  this  mood  I  have  returned  here  to  pen 
these  lines.  I  fear  me  I  shall  sleep  but  ill 
the  night,  for  distracting  and  gloomy 
thoughts  race  through  my  brain.  I  feel  my 
self  not  to  be  myself.  I  wonder  why? 

MAY  THE  TWENTY-FIFTH. — The  odious 
Pomeroy  has  betaken  himself  hence.  Quite 
by  accident  I  happened  to  drop  into  our 
local  hostelry,  the  Briggs  House,  this  morn 
ing  and  ascertained  by  a  purely  cursory 
glance  at  the  register  that  he  had  paid  his 
account  and  departed.  I  may  only  add 
that  I  trust  he  sees  his  way  clear  to  remain 
ing  away  indefinitely  or,  better  still,  perma 
nently. 

This  is  Sunday  and  I  shall  be  engaged 
with  our  services.  But  upon  to-morrow 
night,  when  it  is  my  intention  to  resume  my 
friendly  visits  to  the  Hamm  home,  I  mean 


264         Fibble,  D.  D. 

to  take  an  important  step.  For  long  I 
have  been  cogitating  it  and  my  mind  is  now 
firmly  made  up.  As  yet  I  have  not  fully 
memorised  the  language  in  which  I  shall 
frame  my  request,  but  I  have  convinced  my 
self  that  our  acquaintanceship  has  now  ad 
vanced  to  a  point  where  the  liberty  I  would 
take  is  amply  justified.  I  shall  formally 
ask  Miss  Hamm  that  in  our  hours  of  private 
communion  together,  if  not  in  public,  she 
call  me  Roscoe,  while  in  return  I  mean, 
with  her  consent,  to  address  her  as  Hilde- 
garde. 

None  need  know  of  this  excepting  our 
selves.  It  will  be,  as  I  conceive,  a  secret 
between  us,  a  bond,  a  tie,  as  it  were. 

Good  night,  small  russet-clad  confidante. 
Prithee  be  of  good  cheer!  When  next  we 
meet  perchance  I  may  have  happy  news 
for  you. 

MAY  THE  TWENTY-SIXTH. — No  entry. 
MAY  THE  TWENTY-SEVENTH.— No  entry. 

MAY  THE  TWENTY-EIGHTH. — A  terri 
ble,  a  hideous,  an  inconceivable  catastrophe 


Lover's  Leap        265 

has  descended  upon  the  devoted  head  of 
Fibble! 

With  a  fevered,  tremulous  hand,  with 
one  leg — to  wit,  the  right  one — enclosed  in 
a  plaster  cast,  with  a  soul  racked  by  re 
morse,  by  vain  regrets  and  by  direst  appre 
hensions,  I  pen  the  above  words.  My  brain 
seethes  with  incoherent  thoughts,  my  very 
frame  quivers  with  suffering  and  with 
frightful  forebodings.  'Tis  with  the  utmost 
difficulty  that  I  manage  to  inscribe  these 
piteous  lines.  Yet  inscribe  them  I  must  and 
shall.  Should  the  worst  befall,  should  the 
dread  hand  of  violence  strike  me  down  ere  I 
have  succeeded  in  fleeing  this  perilous  spot, 
this  confession  shall  remain  behind,  a  testi 
monial,  to  tell  the  world  and  her  that  I 
perished  a  martyr  upon  the  altars  of  unre 
quited  affection  and  to  explain  the  innate 
purity  of  my  motives,  however  far  I  may 
have  fallen,  in  one  rash  moment  of  uncon 
trollable  impulse,  from  the  lofty  pinnacles 
of  honour.  Though  I  lie  weltering  in  my 
gore,  my  lips  forever  closed,  my  hand  for 
ever  stilled,  the  record  shall  endure  to  show 
that  I,  the  disgraced  and  the  deceased  Fib- 


266         Fibble,  D.  D. 

ble,  would,  from  the  confines  of  the  silent 
tomb,  beg  forgiveness  for  my  criminal  in 
discretion.  I  shall  write  all!  My  tears 
descending  as  I  write  bedew  the  sheet,  and 
beneath  my  swimming  eyes  the  lines  waver, 
but  in  haste  I  write  on,  lest  the  slayer  find 
me  before  my  final  task  be  done. 

We  were  alone  together.  We  were  side 
by  side.  Upon  a  couch  we  sat  in  close  juxta 
position.  The  hour  was  approximately 
nine-thirty;  the  time  two  nights  agone.  I 
bent  toward  her,  half  whispering  my  words. 
With  all  the  fervour  of  which  I  am  capable 
I  told  her  I  had  a  request  to  make  of  her; 
told  her  that  compliance  with  this  request 
would  have  a  bearing  upon  all  our  future 
communions,  bringing  us  nearer  to  each 
other,  forming  a  link  between  us.  My  ex 
ecutors  will  understand,  after  a  perusal  of 
the  paragraphs  immediately  preceding,  that 
I  meant  to  ask  her  to  call  me  Roscoe  and 
in  return  to  vouchsafe  to  me  the  boon  and 
the  privilege  of  calling  her  Hildegarde. 

Bending  her  head,  she  said,  with  that 
simple  directness  so  characteristic  of  her, 
"Go  right  ahead."  Suddenly  I  found  her 


Lover's  Leap        267 

hand  intertwined  in  mine.  I  'do  not  attempt 
to  explain  this  phenomenon;  indeed,  I  was 
not  conscious  of  having  sought  to  encom 
pass  her  hand  within  my  own;  I  merely 
state  it  a  verity.  Her  fingers  pressed 
against  mine — or  so  to  me  it  seemed. 

"Go  right  ahead,  doctor,"  she  repeated. 
<Tm  listening." 

The  touch  of  her  hand  laid  a  spell  upon 
me.  Instantaneously  all  my  forces  of  self- 
reserve  were  swept  away.  With  the  start 
ling  abruptness  of  a  bolt  from  the  blue, 
realisation  of  a  thing  which  I  had  never  be 
fore  suspected  came  full  upon  me,  and  for 
the  first  time  I  knew  that  for  Hildegarde 
Hamm  I  entertained  a  sentiment  deeper 
than  that  of  mere  friendship — yes,  far,  far 
deeper.  I  knew  that  I  cared  for  her;  in 
short,  I  knew  that  I  loved  her. 

Madness  was  upon  me — a  delicious,  an 
all-consuming  fire  burned  within  me.  I  for 
got  that  I  was  a  guest  beneath  her  roof, 
enjoying  the  hospitality  of  her  beloved  and 
revered  relative.  I  forgot  the  meed  of  re 
spect  I  owed  to  her,  forgot  the  responsi- 
biHties  imposed  upon  me.  I  forgot  all  else 


268         Fibble,  D.  D. 

except  that  I,  Roscoe  T.  Fibble,  loved 
Hildegarde  Hamm. 

I  became  as  the  caveman,  who  by  brute 
force  would  win  his  mate.  I  obeyed  a  pri 
meval  impulse.  Without  a  word  of  warn 
ing,  without  excuse,  without  prefatory  re 
mark  of  any  nature  whatsoever,  I  acted : 

I  kissed  her.    To  be  exact,  I  kissed  at  her. 

For,  in  this  moment  fraught  with  such 
consequences  to  all  concerned,  she  averted 
her  head  at  yet  a  greater  angle.  The  im 
plant  of  the  osculation  was  destined  for  her 
cheek.  It  reached  her  nose — the  tip  of  her 
nose  only. 

I  do  not  plead  this  circumstance  in  par 
tial  extenuation.  The  intent  had  been  plain, 
the  deed  was  consummated.  I  had  prac 
tically  kissed  her. 

She  leaped  to  her  feet,  as  I  to  mine.  Her 
eyes,  alight  with  an  inscrutable  expression, 
looked  into  mine;  her  cheeks  became  dif 
fused  with  the  crimsoned  glow  of  righteous 
indignation;  her  form  was  convulsed;  she 
quivered  from  head  to  feet.  For  a  moment 
this  scene  endured.  Then  ere  my  lips,  but 
lately  contracted  for  the  chaste  but  unbid- 


TO  BE  EXACT,  I  KISSED  AT  HER 


Lover's  Leap         269 

den  salute,  could  frame  the  first  stammered 
syllable  of  an  apology,  she  buried  her  en 
sanguined  face  in  her  hands,  and  hysteria 
assailed  her — a  hysteria  so  acute  and  so  vio 
lent  that  not  tears  but  an  outburst  resem 
bling  laughter — laughter  wild,  startling  and 
most  distressing  to  hear — came  from  her. 
She  turned  and  dashed  from  the  room. 

My  heart  paused  in  its  quick  beating.  In 
one  mad  moment  of  indiscretion  I  had  de 
stroyed  her  confidence  in  me,  had  brought 
down  in  crashing  ruins  my  hopes,  my 
dreams,  my  new-found  joy. 

I  felt  that  I  must  go  hence — that  I  must 
quit  that  domicile  forever,  and  the  sooner 
the  better.  With  my  brain  in  a  whirl,  I 
looked  about  me  for  my  hat  and  my  um 
brella. 

A  loud  and  a  compelling  voice  spoke  be 
hind  me.  I  faced  about.  In  the  doorway 
through  which  she  had  just  fled  stood  a 
fearsome  apparition.  It  was  her  uncle,  that 
man  so  given  to  carnage  among  the  beasts 
and  birds  of  the  field,  that  unerring,  that 
unfailing  marksman.  He  was  in  his  shirt 
sleeves,  his  arms  bared  to  his  elbows.  Upon 


270          Fibble,  D.  D. 

his  face  was  a  fixed  grin  of  demoniac  deter 
mination — the  look  of  one  who  smiles  even 
as  he  slays  his  prey.  And  in  his  hands — ah, 
dreadful  final  detail  of  this  dreadful  pic 
ture — he  held  outstretched,  extended  and 
presented  in  my  general  direction,  a  double- 
barrelled  fowling  piece,  enormous  in  size 
and  glittering  with  metal  ornamentation. 

"Young  man,"  he  cried  out,  "have  one 
look  at  this  I" 

In  times  of  the  most  extreme  peril  the 
thoughts  clarify  with  inconceivable  rapid 
ity.  In  a  flash  I  comprehended  all.  She 
had  told  him  of  the  insult  to  her  maidenly 
modesty,  and  for  it  he  meant  to  have  my 
heart's  blood.  I  was  about  to  become  an 
extinct  and  bleeding  corse.  But  before  he 
could  raise  the  hideous  instrument  of  death 
to  his  shoulder  an  expedient  occurred  to 
me.  I  would  save  myself  from  slaughter 
and  coincidentally  save  him  from  the  crime 
of  dyeing  his  hands  with  the  gore  of  a  fel 
low  being.  A  low  window  at  the  west  side 
of  the  room,  immediately  adjacent  to  the 
couch  whereon  I  had  been  seated,  provi 
dentially  stood  open.  I  would  leap  from  it 


Lover's  Leap         271 

and  flee.  Without  a  moment's  hesitation 
I  did  so. 

In  such  emergencies  one  does  not  choose 
with  care  one's  means  of  exit.  One  departs 
by  the  egress  most  convenient  to  one.  As 
I  plunged  through  the  opening  I  remem 
bered  that  a  considerable  distance  inter 
vened  between  the  window  I  had  chosen 
and  the  sward  below.  Even  as  I  bounded 
forth  into  space  I  thought  of  this.  But 
when  one  is  in  mid-air  one  does  not  turn 
back;  a  law  of  physics  involving  the  rela 
tion  of  solid  bodies  to  the  attraction  of 
gravitation  prevents.  Nor  did  I  indeed  de 
sire  to  turn  back.  My  one  desire  was  to 
go.  I  dropped  and  dropped,  as  though  for 
miles.  I  struck  with  terrific  force  upon  a 
grass-covered  but  hard  and  unyielding 
surface.  A  pang  of  agony,  poignant  in  its 
intensity,  darted  in  an  upward  direction 
through  my  lower  right  limb  and  I  dropped 
prostrate  upon  the  earth. 

But  now  in  the  window  above  stood  my 
would-be  destroyer,  a  wild  gleam  in  his 
wide  open  eyes  and  that  awful  lethal  object 
still  in  his  grasp.  His  eyes  roved  this  way 


212         Fibble,  D.  D. 

and  that  into  the  darkness  without,  seeking 
to  find  the  victim.  The  light  from  behind 
shone  full  upon  him.  Thwarted  for  the 
moment  tho'  he  had  been,  his  purpose  was 
all  too  plainly  revealed. 

Heedless  of  the  pain,  I  leaped  to  my  feet 
and  darted  away  into  the  sheltering  night. 
Somehow,  I  know  not  how,  I  scaled  the 
fence.  There  was  a  gate,  but  what  time 
had  I  to  seek  out  gates?  I  staggered  adown 
the  street.  I  reached  the  corner  below  and 
there  I  fell,  unable  to  proceed  another  rod 
be  the  consequences  what  they  might  Mer 
ciful  unconsciousness  succeeded.  I  knew  no 
more. 

When  after  a  lapse  I  recovered  my  senses 
familiar  objects  surrounded  me,  and  faces 
well  known  to  me  yet  for  the  time  wearing  a 
strange  aspect,  bent  over  me.  I  remember 
my  first  words. 

"Where  am  I?"  I  uttered  feebly,  and 
would  have  started  up  had  not  those  close 
at  hand  restrained  me  with  gentle  force. 

I  was  in  my  own  room.  While  my  swoon 
continued  Samaritans  had  borne  me  hither. 
Gentle  hands  soothed  my  brow;  a  physician 


Lover's  Leap        273 

was  preparing  wrappings  for  the  injured 
limb,  my  right  ankle  being  in  a  severely 
sprained  state.  I  learned  that  I  had  been 
discovered  lying  mute  and  insensible  upon 
the  public  highway.  My  lineaments  had 
been  recognised;  assistance  had  been  sum 
moned;  I  had  been  removed  to  my  quar 
ters;  friends  now  ministered  to  me.  One 
and  all,  they  assumed  that,  walking  in  the 
darkness,  I  had  encountered  some  obstacle 
and,  being  thus  injured,  had  fallen  un 
conscious.  Weak  as  I  was  and  incoherent 
though  my  thoughts,  I  did  not  undeceive 
them.  Nor  have  I  yet  done  so. 

I  sought  to  know  more,  but  the  physician 
bade  me  be  silent.  His  task  completed,  he 
administered  a  sleeping  draught  and  anon 
I  sank  into  deep  slumber. 

That  was  the  night  of  the  day  before 
yesterday.  Upon  yesterday  and  again  this 
morning  I  made  fervent  inquiry  of  my 
nurse  as  to  whether  any  person  other  than 
those  connected  with  Fernbridge  had  called. 
Each  time  I  was  told  that  Mr.  Hector 
Hamm  had  come  to  enquire  regarding  my 
condition  and  to  express  a  desire  to  have 


214-         Fibble,  D.  D. 

private  conversation  with  me  at  the  very 
earliest  moment  when  I  might  receive  vis 
itors.  Therefore,  it  is  plain  that  he  has  been 
here  at  least  twice,  but  each  time — oh, 
fortunate  circumstance — has  been  turned 
away  from  the  door.  'Tis  I  and  I  alone 
who  know  his  implacable  object.  His  lust 
for  vengeance  is  not  assuaged.  He  will 
accept  no  defence,  will  pause  not  to  hearken 
to  my  prayers  for  mercy.  Even  now  he 
may  be  lurking  without  seeking  opportunity 
to  destroy  me  utterly. 

Infirmity  chains  me  to  my  couch,  but 
when  the  injured  limb  may  bear  my  weight 
I  shall  flee,  even  as  the  hind  before  the 
huntsman.  Should  I  escape  I  shall,  in  dif 
ferent  surroundings  far,  far  from  here,  take 
up  anew  the  shattered  threads  of  my  exist 
ence,  a  broken-hearted  wretch,  seeking  by 
good  deeds  done  under  an  assumed  name 
to  atone  for  this,  the  one  blot  upon  the  fair 
escutcheon  of  my  life.  Should  I  fall  before 
his  fatal  aim  this  confession,  written  dur 
ing  the  temporary  absence  of  my  nurse  from 
the  chamber  of  invalidism,  will  be  found 
among  my  belongings. 


Lover's  Leap         275 

Even  though  as  I  pen  this,  perchance  my 
last  declaration,  I  am  strangely  torn  between 
two  all-consuming  wishes.  I  desire  above 
all  things  to  be  gone  ere  it  is  too  late.  And 
yet  above  all  things,  I  desire  to  look  again 
upon  the  face  of  my  adored  one.  But  alas, 
that  may  not  be!  'Twould  be  folly  multi 
plied  upon  folly  to  dare  attempt  it.  I  can 
not  think  upon  her.  I  must  think  upon  her 
uncle. 

Hildegarde,  farewell,  a  long,  a  last,  a 
fond  farewell!  I  have  sorely  sinned,  but 
'twas  for  love  of  you!  Adieu,  adieu,  all 
that  I  hold  dear. 

THREE  HOURS  LATER.— Oh,  Little  Diary! 

0  Great  Joy! 

In  a  transport  of  delight  I  add  this  post 
script.  She  has  been  here — Hildegarde — 
my  Hildegarde.  All  is  explained,  all  is 
atoned  for. 

But  an  hour  agone  she  came.  She  burst 
in  upon  me.  Heedless  of  the  presence  of 
others,  she  threw  herself  upon  my  breast. 

1  found  her  arms  entwined  about  me,  my 
arms  entwined  about  her.    With  her  head 


276         Fibble,  D.  D. 

hidden  upon  my  bosom,  in  sweet  confusion, 
and  with  tears  of  thanksgiving  coursing 
adown  her  cheek,  she  made  it  clear  to  my 
understanding — oh,  so  sweetly  clear — that 
I,  most  woefully,  had  been  misled.  As  yet 
my  delighted  intellect  can  scarce  grasp  the 
purport  of  her  disclosures,  but  from  the  rest 
these  salient,  these  soothing,  these  beautiful 
facts  stand  out: 

I  was  deceived.  The  kiss  I  would  have 
impressed  upon  her  countenance  was  not  to 
her  displeasing.  Rather  it  was  the  circum 
stance  of  its  being  misdirected  which  caused 
her  to  be  overcome,  not  with  the  hysteria 
of  indignation  but  with  mirth.  Why  mirth 
at  such  a  moment,  I  know  not.  But  are  not 
the  ways  of  a  maiden  past  finding  out? 

Hurrying  from  my  presence  to  stifle  her 
laughter,  she  entered  the  adjoining  room, 
to  come  upon  her  uncle  engaged  in  the,  to 
him,  congenial  occupation  of  oiling  a  newly 
purchased  firearm  of  augmented  calibre.  A 
waggish  inspiration  leaped  into  her  mind. 
It  would  appear  by  her  own  admissions  that 
she  has  oft  been  given  to  the  practice  of 
practical  joking;  but  because  of  the  glo- 


Lover's  Leap        277 

rious  consequences  I  find  it  in  my  heart  to 
forgive  her. 

"Uncle,"  she  said,  "Doctor  Fibble  wants 
to  see  your  new  gun!" 

With  no  murderous  desires  in  his  heart 
and  actuated  only  by  gratification  and 
friendliness,  he  entered.  Yet  under  the  cir 
cumstances,  how  natural,  how  inevitable, 
that  I  should  misread  his  expression  and  his 
gesture,  misinterpret  his  motives.  I  saw 
the  window  near  by,  offering  a  possible  ave 
nue  of  escape.  I  leaped.  You,  diary,  and 
you  alone,  know  what  has  ensued  from  that 
moment  until  now. 

But  there  is  more  to  tell.  She  believed 
my  limb  was  shattered — in  fact,  broken. 
She  blamed  me  not  at  all ;  it  was  herself  she 
blamed.  Until  she  could  bear  the  separa 
tion  no  longei,  she  remained  away.  Then 
impetuously,  remorsefully,  lovingly  she 
came.  She  loves  me — she  herself  has  told 
me  so — Hildegarde  loves  me.  And  stranger 
still,  she  has  known  for  weeks  that  I  loved 
her,  even  though  I  myself  remained  in  com 
plete  ignorance  of  being  in  that  enraptured 


278         Fibble,  D.  D. 

state.  How  wonderful  is  woman's  intui 
tion! 

She  has  foresworn  practical  joking.  We 
have  exchanged  vows.  We  have  plighted 
our  troth.  She  is  mine  and  I  am  hers.  She 
has  gone  from  me  to  win  her  uncle's  consent 
and  to  invoke  his  blessing  upon  our  banns. 
Soon  she  will  return  to  me. 

In  her  absence  I  fondly  dwell  upon  her 
words.  "Dearest,"  she  said,  "you  need  some 
one  to  take  care  of  you.  And  I  am  going  to 
take  the  job." 

Sweet  child !  In  her  confusion  she  twisted 
her  meaning.  She  meant  of  course  that  she 
had  need  of  me  to  care  for  her. 

"And  now,"  she  said  a  moment  later, 
"and  now  I'm  going  to  teach  you  how  to 
kiss  a  girl." 

Under  this  head  I  shall  say  naught,  ex 
cept  that  she  has  taught  me.  There  are 
things  too  sacred,  too  beautiful  to  be  de 
scribed  in  detail  in  the  written  word.  Suf 
fice  it  to  say  she  has  taught  me! 

And  then  she  called  me  Fibbcy.  Oh, 
precious  diminutive!  Evermore  I  shall  be 
her  Fibbey! 


Lover's  Leap         279 

With  one  final  statement  I  close  this  re 
cital  of  the  crowning  chapter  of  my  life. 
Our  union  is  to  be  consummated  at  an  early 
date  in  this  dear  spot. 

O  well-named  town  of  Lover's  Leap,  New 
Jersey. 

For  I,  too,  have  taken  the  lover's  leap, 
not  to  death  upon  the  cruel  rocks  but  to 
happiness  everlasting. 

Her  Fibbeyl 

My  Hildegardel 


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